It’s been pointed out to me recently, and it’s a valid point, that I seem to be blaming James for everything and not really taking any responsibility myself.
For the most part, this is inaccurate. I do take responsibility for almost everything. Where I don’t, and still don’t is with not dealing with the infertility. I was buried so deep under the piles of avoided emotions, I could not make it to the surface even to exist as weeping.
The other time where I don’t take responsibility is where James hid me away. I have come to understand the reasons for it, but I think there will always be a wound there. The guilt of it is felt by all of me.
Every other time that I blame James for something, it’s more just explaining the reasoning rather than feeling any sense of blame. The only apology I ever gave myself was for hiding myself away – which includes the infertility. And I feel it’s the only apology I need to give myself.
In the end, all the parts are ME. They all make up who I am, and how I am. It’s just semantics to differentiate them.
This post makes sense to me, hopefully it translates. If not, just chalk it up to me being weird.
– Jess