New Years marks new beginnings for many, and a time to celebrate what was, and what is to come. Yet I found myself feeling depressed and sad, because this year marks a reality that is both amazing and terrifying. It hit me that we take a lot for granted and until several weeks ago I thought I had forever to spend with the man I married. Never again will I step out in the world surrounded by the safety blanket of his masculine appearance. Because whether we want to admit it or not we still live in a man’s world and women are treated differently.
Now you many think that this is a funny way to think of it, but I kinda feel like the day Jess told me she needed to transition is like the day I found out I had to go gluten free (Celiac Disease). I look back now and think, I should have eaten all the yummy foods that I now miss and still crave before I started my new adventure of gluten free eating. Just like I wish I could have a do over of some of my fondest memories with James. Going forward I can only look back fondly at the last 10 years with love and gratitude for the time I was given with him just like my fond memories of what some of my favourite foods tasted like. Jess wishes she had transitioned sooner but I am grateful she didn’t because having the last 10 years allowed us to create a well rooted foundation for our family tree. Her transition scares me but the thought of her transitioning before I met her (as a him) is terrifying because we wouldn’t be where we are today. I needed the time to fall in love with the man I married so that I can cherish the woman she is becoming.
Eventually, my cravings for James will lessen just like my craving for glutinous foods has lessened. Because, luckily there are a lot more gluten free alternatives out there now then there were 10 years ago. And luckily there will always be a hint of the man I married in everything that Jessica is. Though I’ll still miss my scruffy man, I appreciated the happier more passionate woman Jess is.
Also, like having to be gluten free, social situations can feel stressful. Like worrying about whether there will be something for me to eat and whether I’ll get sick, I stress about how Jess will be received in the world and if she’ll be safe. When I was first diagnosed, the thought of eating outside of my own kitchen was terrifying and any time I did, I felt ill. Just like how I feel panicky when she adventures out alone and I’m not there to keep a watchful eye and be ready to lash out at anyone that dares hurt her.
I’ll probably never, totally, get over that feeling just like I’ll probably never, totally, get over the feeling of wishing that people would just treat me normal and not worry that I can’t eat their food, and have brought my own. I appreciated the concern and care many people put into trying to feed me but sometimes the anxiety of eating outside of my own kitchen is greater then my bravery to trust those who would never do anything to intentionally poison me. I have learned to be braver with living in a world surrounded by gluten which has been helped by the increased awareness of it. Just like how I will brave this new world that transitioning will bring and have faith that awareness will grow with us around Jess being transgender. Like how we needed to educate people about what gluten free meant and the dangers of cross contamination. We will do our best to educate people about how transgender people are just like everyone else and just want to be treated with the respect and care that everyone else wants and deserves.
I love my life, and even though some days, like most people, I wish it was easier and less stressful at times, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I many not always get what I want but i have what I NEED.
– Teresa