I wrote, last night, on Facebook that 2014 was a year of personal discovery and realization, and that I viewed 2015 as a year of growth and actualization.
I came out to everyone as a ‘transgender’ individual in a process I started September 9, 2014. That process ended (if it can ever truly end) with me telling our doctor December 18, 2014. Of course there are some people that don’t know yet, but we’ll deal with them when the time is right.
During the coming out process, I finally came to realize and accept who I am. Which kind of re-initiated a new coming out, since instead of being a confused transgender person, I was now finally accepting that I am a transgender woman. It was an amazing feeling losing that confusion, yet, it brought up fears again, because now I had to tell people I was going to transition. I was going to live life in my authentic gender.
I’ve been asked if it was hard to make that decision, to transition. Just like in a book I read, it really isn’t a decision. I didn’t understand that, when I read it in the book, but I do now. The decision that I made was to accept myself. Transitioning comes out of that. It wasn’t like I said, Okay, so you’re a woman, do you want to transition now? It was, Okay, you’re a woman, you need to tell everyone you’re transitioning.
The hardest person to tell was my wife, Teresa. I don’t think I will ever forget telling her. I had talked to a friend first, and told her about my epiphany, and together we decided it was something I needed to tell Teresa right away, instead of keeping it from her. I say this, because Teresa had requested I not add to her stress levels by unloading my stuff on top of her. Which was totally understandable, she needed to deal with what she was already going through, and not my stuff as well. Especially since most of my stuff was coming from a ‘gaining’ place, and her’s from a ‘losing’ place.
Anyway, I got home and found her upstairs in the office. I kissed her, and got down on my knees and wrapped my arms around her. ‘There’s something I need to tell you,’ I said, trying hard not to start crying right away. ‘You know that thing you were most afraid of, other than me dying?’ ‘You’re going to transition?’ she said/asked. ‘Yes,’ I said softly. And then, as we both starting weeping, I told her about my moment of clarity, and how I just ‘knew’ myself now.
I had planned a week of being ‘Jessica’ 24/7 during my two weeks off of work. This was when I was still confused, and thought it might help me figure myself out. It has turned into simply me being me for almost the entire 2 weeks. I had a few concerns going into it, mostly all physical. Previously, I have always had problems with shaving my face. I usually shaved once a week (hence Teresa’s love of my scruffy face), because shaving more than that irritated my skin. Now, here I was planning on shaving every day, and as close as a I possibly could. To my surprise, it has not been an issue. I’m going through moisturizer like crazy, but it’s been pretty good. I’ve also got body hair to worry about, but have been wearing pants and long sleeve shirts to cover the stubble from shaving (trying to grow it out long enough so Teresa can wax me – something she enjoys doing).
During this period of finally being able to just exist without any pretences has been simply wonderful. I’ve been able to meet all my family members as Jessica, or Jess. I’ve gone shopping alone and with Mom and with Teresa, gone out to dinner, picked up groceries, been to our Chiropractor, gone for coffee with a friend not seen in 15ish years, and just everyday stuff.
I’ve gotten comfortable not wearing ultra feminine clothing, even wearing guys shirts out a couple times. That’s not to say I don’t like dresses and skirts anymore. I still really do, but I also want to be comfortable. I used to equate comfort with being ultra feminine. Obviously it was an over compensation for something I’d been denying myself for a lifetime.
Things are changing. I’ve already noticed several changes in myself since starting the process of transition. I’m not 100% sure what has triggered this, but most of it has to just be a mental change in how I think of and perceive myself. The biggest change is not being shy and introverted anymore. The smaller changes are things like eating habits – I’ve now eaten mushrooms (on purpose) cooked and raw, eaten raw fish, cranberry sauce, and black olives. The thought process behind that started like this: I was at work, didn’t have a lunch, and was really wanting something warm. We were by a Tim Hortons so I thought I’d really like some chilli, but their’s has mushrooms in it. And I hate mushrooms. My mind just said, get the chilli, eat the mushrooms, screw it. That was it. And that’s pretty much been my attitude towards foods I never liked before.
Other changes have just been in self acceptance. I used to worry about being 6’5″. There is absolutely nothing I can do about being tall. So, somehow, I just shrugged it off. I just incorporated it into my self image, in a good way. My feet were also an issue, but the foot wear I’ve purchased recently looks really good on me, so again, a non-issue. I can actually look at myself in the mirror and see an attractive woman. I may still have problems believing other people see her the same way, but it’s nice to have that now.
It is now 2015. I have never started a year off (to my memory) with this much happiness, hope for the future, sense of well being, love of everything and everyone.
I should have a doctor’s appointment very soon to go over all this with her, and hopefully come out with a couple prescriptions. Worst case scenario is that I might have to wait a bit to start hormones. I have 4 more laser hair removal sessions to go for my face and neck, which will probably take me into June. Then I hope to start electrolysis to get rid of what’s left on the face.
Work will be difficult for me, back to the male role visually, but I’ll still have the nail polish to remind me of me. Work will the be the final frontier for my transition. I work in landscaping, and it can be a sweaty, dirty, hot, cold, and wet physical job. I want my body to be my own when I start living full time as a woman, no more prosthetics. I would love to have my own hair, but unfortunately testosterone has pretty much ruined that. So, I’m thinking of alternatives to wigs (too hot) and might go with a bandana or something like that.
At some point in this new year, I will begin to work more on my voice. I’ve tried a bit already, but it takes lots and lots of practice. Hopefully if I can’t do it on my own, we can find a speech therapist that isn’t too expensive.
When I’m ready to start living my life full time, is when I will get all my documents changed. Just thinking about it now, it’s quite daunting. There’s a huge list of cards to change, provincial documents, passport, etc… The first one to get done though is the birth certificate. Once that’s done, every other one is a bit easier. I’m so glad I live in British Columbia, Canada.
Have a great year everyone!
Lots of love,
Jess