31 – Bullying

When I was in grade 5 – I experienced being bullied. I have never really told anyone about this, as it was fairly embarrassing.
I don’t remember a whole bunch about it, I just remember that the guy was a foot shorter than me, and a year younger. Though at the time, I thought he was a year older. I remember dreading running into him. The feeling was quite strong. He always seemed to show up in the townhouse complex where I lived.
He’d basically demand protection money. I don’t remember how much, but I think it was around $2. This was when I was getting a $10/week allowance. This was also around 1982 (grade 5) so $2 would actually buy some things, unlike now.
I don’t think I ever got beaten up, or even hit for that matter. I’ve been in one fight my entire life (grade 3), and I wound up sitting on the guy’s chest and almost throwing a punch at his unprotected face, but I couldn’t do it. I just got up and walked away.
The bullying went on for several months until I finally found out he was younger than me, then I just refused to pay him, and he stopped coming around. I didn’t really stand up to him in any meaningful way, and he took more from me than just money. He took a bit of my self esteem. He took away confidence.
It was, and still is, humiliating. I’ve always been tall – not always the tallest in my class when I was younger, but still not a small person. This was protection for me for the most part. One I relied on, and it didn’t help me in this instance. I had no other means of coping with it. I was soft at this point still. He gave me the lesson that being ‘soft’ was going to get me in trouble.
In grade 9, another guy tried to bully me, physically. He tried to get me to change seats by pinching my trapezius muscles on each side of my neck as hard as he could from behind me. I just sat there and took it, not flinching, and I even kept on writing in my book. I was not soft. That was his only attempt.
Later, in grade 11 I wound up being the bully. It was not intentional, but I see now how bad it was. I thought the relationship was that we were friends. And I thought that what I was doing was just camaraderie. I’d punch him on the shoulder, or hit him on the back. Never cluing in that it was never reciprocated. Never noticing the flinch that always preceded the punch. I’ve apologized for it, years later, but still not one of my proudest moments, and I still feel really bad about having done that to another human being. Especially one, that I thought I was a friend to.
None of my bullying was directly related to being transgender. I was pretty good at hiding it. However, I really feel for anyone who has experienced bullying. Whether it’s because you’re transgender, eccentric, exceptional, nerdy, geeky, or for any other reason. Please tell someone if you are being bullied. Telling no one will never help you. Never be afraid to ask for help.
Love,
Jess