I’ve been stewing about a comment someone said to me the other day. To be honest, I have been known to stew a lot about comments this person has said to me over the years. But this time I’m going to embrace it and turn it into something good through this post.
Paraphrasing the comment: You are with James (Jess) because you are insecure.
Oh no you didn’t!!!!
Funny thing about this comment is that my relationship with Jess is one of the only places where I’ve learned to not feel insecure, and I credit her for a lot of that. She’s taught me that I can be loved for being me. That I don’t have to look a certain way or act a certain way for her to love me. Believe me, I know she loves me no matter what, because in the last 10 years my insecurities have definitely challenged that. I’ve done lots of things, that I’m not necessarily proud of, to make sure that she loves me. But we won’t go into my passive aggressive behaviours today. This post is about insecurity.
From a young age I was taught how to be insecure and how important it was to please those around you. I don’t feel that any of these comments or behaviours towards me were ever meant to hurt me. But they have unfortunately scarred me and made navigating through life, sometimes, very difficult. They’ve created a heightened sense of wariness of my surrounding and created perceived threats, that are usually, illogical but yet no less scary.
Just a couple examples because I may be a little insecure about boring you all:
I was labelled with a learning disability until I was in my teens. So, I was always insecure about my intelligence, afraid I’d be found out and people would realize how stupid I am. Insecure because I’m not the greatest speller, and I don’t always use the right words, that that must mean I’m stupid. I don’t let these things stop me much anymore. That’s what spell check and having a good editor is for – aka Jess. I’m more of a logical thinker than a book worm. I choose to work on my weaknesses but not to the detriment of my strengths. Just ask Jess. When I come along, and she’s struggling with a task, and I just say…do this…and it works and we can’t figure out why she didn’t think of that. (it’s because I’m s.m.r.t.) It’s not easy to overcome the stigma of a learning disability and some days I still catch myself withdrawing from conversations because I think I may say the wrong thing and everyone will know. How do I combat this? Sometimes I tell people, sometimes I laugh it off. It’s just one of my quirks. Unfortunately, in my line of work, I sometimes create confusion when I’m talking numbers. I’ll say thousand when I mean to say hundred and vis-versa. But, slowly, I’ve learned that this doesn’t make me stupid. It just makes me, me.
I have also, accidentally, been referred to as a boy throughout my life. Usually because I was (am) fond of having short, short hair and wearing comfy clothes. I don’t have an issue with it now, because what other people consider frumpy, I now accept, and embrace, as comfy and ME. But, there have been people in my life that have made an issue of it, because I wasn’t fitting into the social norm, I guess, and over the years I’ve grown my hair out, and then promptly chopped it all off again, and grown it out again. I’ve also dressed girly because of my learned insecurities about what a girl should look like. But even though I love long hair and girly things I’m lazy, and have more important things to do than spend several anxiety inducing hours in the bathroom trying to tame my long curly hair and in my closet trying on outfits that may look amazing on me but make me feel horribly uncomfortable. And yes, I know my hair is kind of longish right now, but that’s because I’ve learned to embrace the curls and just let my hair do whatever it wants to back there. A couple hair clips and it’s out of my face. And yes, on a rare occasion, I’ll put on a girly outfit that is form fitting and cute, but only when I want to not because it’s what I should do because I’m a girl. I will admit there was a time that I would dress to hide. My goal for years was to be invisible. I learned that being invisible was safe. Less chance of being bullied, teased and attracting unwanted attention if you went unnoticed. I will also admit that sometimes I still do hide behind my clothing like armour and I’ve learned to be okay with that, because I’d rather be comfortable and confident than uncomfortable and insecure.
Finally, I was and still am most days very concious of my body type and was taught that because I’m curvy I must be fat. The words, ‘turn around and you’ll find it’ (after mentioning losing weight) still rings in my ears to this day, from when I was much younger and happier about how I looked. Someone pointing out that because I have a big butt that I’m still fat. Now, here, is where a lot of my current insecurities still lie, like most women and girls. We tend to put our self worth into what the scale says. As if losing 10 pounds is going to magically make me happier. Unfortunately, I don’t have a witty anecdote for this one (yet). We’ll leave this one as a work in progress.
This is where I’m putting my foot down, drawing a line in the sand. Today, I choose me and embrace me and I will, from now on, learn to stand against, and walk away from, negative chatter that feeds my insecurities. I’ve learned that those comments aren’t about me. They are just a projection of other people’s insecurities, that they are trying to impose on me so that they can feel better or at least make me feel worse so that we are on the same page of self loathing.
I may not be the smartest person in the world but that doesn’t make me any less intelligent. I may not dress and act like a proper lady but I am still very much a WOMAN. And as a woman, I choose to embrace my differences, and my insecurities because they are who I am. And, as long as I learn from them and grown from them, I’m okay with them.
RAWR!!!
Nearly forgot my most important insecurity that is also my biggest strength. My vulnerability. In the last 3 months I’ve learned to embrace and accept that being vulnerable doesn’t make me weak it makes me strong and sharing this very important part of me is the only way that I’ll survive and thrive in this world. Because I need to be me the authentic me, the one of a kind me.
– Teresa
Addendum January 21, 2015:
When I was writing this blog about my insecurity, I didn’t put much thought into my fear of rejection. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life fighting for acceptance. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. But today it weighs very heavy in my heart. Thinking of the possibility of rejection and the very real rejection I’m feeling from someone that I’ve spent most of my life trying to impress is hard. Several weeks ago I chose to not let this person emotionally hijack me anymore and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and she wasn’t going to make it easy for me. So today like may days to come there will be moments like these that will test my ability to be strong, vulnerable and take care of my heart.