High school was a fractured experience for me. I had my sports – basketball, ball hockey, volleyball, and other peripheral ones. I had my classes – science and math based, with electronics and art as electives. I had my friends – jocks, nerds, rockers, artsy types, goths, etc… I had very varied friends.
Sports allowed my mind to focus. I’m sure this is a testosterone based ability, evolved from hunting. All periphery thoughts fade into a fog until there’s nothing but you, and the sport. You don’t even really hear the crowd, or the squeak of running shoes on wood. You remember them later, but in the moment, there’s just the game.
For me, it was good to have that focus as much as I could. It was like a distraction, but more intense. There were no thoughts of who I was, or what I was, or why I was. I remember playing ball hockey in the school parking lot for hours and hours after school almost every day that didn’t rain. Exhausting myself, and thinking back on it, actually revelling in any hurts that I accumulated. I never wore shin guards, and got hacked on my shins constantly. I liked it. Maybe it was like a subconscious penance for all my guilt. I never even felt the pain until much later. My shins are riddled with barely noticeable scars.
Organized sports were just as distracting. School teams meant I was playing for something. I subscribed whole heartedly to the team mentality. Something I learned from playing soccer when I was 7. I think I was also viewing it as a way of making my Dad proud of me. And it definitely was something that disguised my inner turmoil. Not that I didn’t enjoy the competition, but it was definitely that focus that I craved more than anything. I was even aware of it to a certain extent, because I could see that I was using the distraction to cope (hide/bury) with other things that were bothering me.
Education wise, I was a fairly good student. I sucked at doing homework. I lucked out in my life by having several really good teachers. They could actually ‘teach’. When I was taught something, I picked it up. It seemed redundant to then do homework to me. Drove several teachers nuts with that. lol. Unfortunately, that practice did little good at preparing me for university, where there were no teachers, just professors. I could almost lose myself as easily in school work (if it was something I wanted to learn) as I could with the sports.
Reading was a big thing for me growing up as well. All escapist fantasy fiction. Losing myself in the fictitious worlds. I also played a lot of role playing games, like Dungeons and Dragons. I see a trend here. Everything I did was to escape. I’m only realizing this as I’m typing. I never even thought about it when I made my personal discovery in December.
My feminine side was also around a lot during high school. Any time I wasn’t escaping, I was probably dressed up somewhat at home. There were no ‘outfits’ or makeup, there were just various pieces of clothing. I loved pantyhose and tights. Still do, if I’m honest. I was in my bedroom a lot. That’s not so uncommon for teenage boys I don’t think. Most of my clothing was salvaged from laundry room leftovers. I did manage to buy the occasional thing from a store, but that was very rare, and very nerve racking. On one occasion, I managed to snag some clothes from a donation bag.
I never got into the wearing of girls clothes under my ‘normal’ clothes during high school, that came much later in life. Was too worried about someone seeing something – as if people looked that closely at my butt. lol.
On to friends. I think I had a decent amount of friends. Some close, some just good acquaintances, and some that I’d just say, “hi,” to everyday. Yet, I was very lonely growing up. As I just wrote, I was escaping as often as I could. Some of those friends were doing the same things as me, maybe not for the same reasons, but teammates were great friends, as were my role playing game friends.
Because I was so closed off, I can’t recall having one deep, meaningful conversation through high school at all. It’s not like we just talked about the weather, but there was never any talk of feelings. Mind you, I guess guys don’t really do that, but I had female friends too. I had no idea what was wrong with me (not that I view it as a wrongness now, but I did then) and couldn’t think of anyway that I could tell anyone and have them still talking to me after I told them.
I can’t say I hated high school. I have some really fond memories, and even if there wasn’t meaningful conversations, I miss the social aspect that we had. I was so happy when Facebook came around, and I could have all those high school friends on my friends list. I could keep in touch with them all (except for a few that I’m still missing). Having them all be part of my transition now is such an incredible turn around from those times in school. I feel connected to them all (or at least the ones that have replied, or commented, or ‘liked’) for the first time.
Love you all, high school peeps (I never say peeps)!
Jess