Been thinking recently about all the signs I gave myself in my life, to try and clue me in. There really were a lot of them, and I so pig-headedly ignored them all. I guess when you’re trying to come across as a guy, that’s the thing to do, isn’t it? Lol.
So, the biggest one of all, was something I had said to Teresa years ago when talking about therapy for me. It had been suggested to me many times to seek therapy about my transgender issues. Whether it was back when I thought I was just cross dressing, to later when I thought there was more going on. Anyway, I digress (I do that a lot don’t I?). What I had said was, “I’m not interested in going to see a counsellor because I’m afraid of what I might find out about myself.” Or close enough to that, it was about 7 years ago.
That, in a nutshell, has been my problem all along. I was afraid of finding out about myself. But how, both Teresa and I, didn’t read anything into what I had said baffles me. Were we both in denial? Were we both seeing the real me, but not able to deal with it, so looking through or around it?
Teresa had brought it up recently, as she had just remembered it, and we both thought it was very telling in hindsight.
Another prevalent sign was when I was looking at females. Not only was I looking because I was attracted to them, but I was also so envious. Envious of how they were moving, what they were wearing, their bodies. I knew it was envy at the time too. I just chose to ignore what that meant.
Then there was the whole crying myself to sleep thing that I’ve already talked about. This went on for years and years. I probably averaged 4 times a month between 8 and 42 years of age. On top of that though, there were times where I was constantly saying to myself, “I wish I was a girl. I want to be a girl.” Like a mantra in my head, almost all day sometimes.
I, for the most part, do not have an addictive personality. I don’t get addicted to things. I thought I was addicted to Coca-Cola but I haven’t had one since June/14 without any ill effect. I may admit to a caffeine addiction, but that’s about it. Yet, I seemed to be addicted to the wearing of women’s clothing.
I would throw it all away, and swear I’d never do it again, only to find myself doing it again a week later. I have incredible will power. Yet it was completely ineffectual in this regard. Obviously there was something deeper to it, something intrinsic in its nature.
Then to a lesser extent, there are the dreams. I’ve had dreams, many in fact, where I’ve been a woman. One vivid one was of me and a close high school friend window shopping. I can picture the street, the shops, the weather. It was so real. At the time of the dream this friend didn’t know anything about my gender issues. And I was much older in the dream than I was at the time. Pretty close to the age I am now.
Activities are not so much a source of clues, as I liked a lot of typically male activities. Not that females are excluded from liking these, but it’s the stereotype that all male to female transgender girls should not like hockey, soccer, volleyball, or basketball. I didn’t play with dolls, I had action figures. I do recall doing some play acting, and there was definitely dress up when I was 3-5 years old. I played Dungeons and Dragons, and if you watch Big Bang Theory at all, that’s not a female thing to do. lol.
Anyway, I think a case could be made that the signs were there. And yet, a large percentage of the transgender community (mostly talking about transsexual identified here), have all had similar signs in their lives, many even more telling than mine, and we all were able to deny what those signs meant.
Looking ahead, it seems more and more trans are coming out earlier. Transgender people and their issues are more prevalent in the news, media, and society in general. There are way more resources on the internet, that deal with coming out, transitioning, acceptance, support, and just figuring yourself out. There’s still a long way to go, but progress is progress right?
Hugs,
Jess