While the vast majority of my personal experience with being transgender and transsexual has been phenomenally positive, there has been some negativity, and it has made an impact.
When I first came out to that one lone person at age 26, I was so absolutely terrified of being judged, and being rejected. Then thoughts of her outing me across the online game we were playing went through my head, and the hundreds of judgements and condemnations that would come from that escalated my nervousness.
There was none of that. There was her offering me a few skirts, a dress, and a nightie a few days later in her Volkswagen Beetle.
Then I came out to my closest female friend when I needed another confidant. Again, dreading the negative response, and nope, not gonna happen. Then I expanded my coterie to about a dozen people. All were still my friends, still loved me, and totally accepted my female side as it was presented back then. All those same people have re-accepted me as Jess.
Fast forward a few years, and the cross dressing has morphed into ‘confused transgender’ and I start my coming out process.
In deciding to completely out myself, I go over pretty much every possible outcome from every person I tell. I prepare in my mind for the necessity of possibly changing jobs or careers. I prepare for family rejection. I prepare for friend rejection. And I prepare for in-law family rejection.
I steady my will, and charge ahead revealing what I knew currently of myself to everyone I can possibly tell. In doing that, I missed a few people. One of those that I missed turned into a problem. Not necessarily because I missed telling them about the new me, but because they weren’t okay with the new me. They were fine with ‘Jessica’ as long as she was a private ‘thing’ not shared with the world.
I’ve tried explaining how this is me, not something I’m doing, it’s who I am. With little to no effect. They still seem to view this as a choice I’m making. And I’m being selfish for making the choice. I’m being selfish because now people will know about me, and this person will be judged for being associated with me. They don’t care whether I’ll be judged. But I’m the selfish one.
This negativity is really affecting Teresa way more than it is affecting me. I was prepared for it, she wasn’t. There are some other issues at play as well, this isn’t all about me, but a lot is. As a result, I feel responsible for it. That’s the part that affects me. That I can’t protect Teresa from this negativity, hurts.
Teresa wrote this on the Facebook Transgender Alliance page today:
Feeling very alone. My spouse has a lot of support since she came out trans but as her spouse I’m feeling lost in her shadow. She has lots of people she can relate too but I don’t know who to look to for help coping with being the so-called super supportive brave partner. I don’t feel brave, I feel terrified and unsure of everything other than my unconditional love for her.
Spouses often get lost on the chaos. Even when the relationship is strong. The recent negativity is affecting her a lot. I already had many family and friends and her to rely on for anything coming my way, but she doesn’t have that same support system for what she’s dealing with. She gets told almost daily, “I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t.” I do my best, but she needs people in her same situation to talk with. They’re hard to find. But we’re working on it.
As for my one friend, I haven’t had a reply in over 20 days from my last email. My attempt at not pressing the issue. I’m leaving the ball in his court so to speak. I haven’t written it off, but if I have to, I have to. My pluses outweigh all my minuses greatly.
– Jess