Passing is the ability to present as your authentic gender, without the chance of being misgendered. Even for cisgender people this can sometimes be a challenge.
For transgender individuals, it is often a mental necessity to pass. In some areas of the world, it is a vitally important survival tactic.
It can become an unhealthy obsession, leading to multitudes of plastic surgeries that never leave the individual satisfied. It can lead to severe depression, and it can definitely impact a life greatly.
Not all of us feel a need to pass. Some don’t even want to. It’s as varied as humanity itself can be. Self image is something almost everyone struggles with every day, but couple that with dysphoria and it can become a monster. I’m constantly seeing trans people doubt themselves, get down on themselves, and seek validation. It’s why support groups are so important to us. We need to rely on our allies to help build us up as we break ourselves down.
I think I’m one of the lucky ones in that I don’t feel a ‘need’ to pass. This is partly due to where I live being very accepting as a whole, and partly because I’ve taken ownership of the things that used to own me (height, hands, feet, nose [to a lesser extent], chin).
That being said, I would still love to pass. I would love to not second guess the looks that people give me. To just accept someone looking me up and down as a normal day to day occurrence instead of seeing it as being ‘read’ (or ‘clocked’ or seeing the wrong gender coming through).
I still find myself constantly asking Teresa if my hair looks alright, or if my beard shadow is showing, or if my clothes look okay, etc… I don’t have a problem with being noticed, but I want that notice to be because of things I’m doing right, not things I’m doing wrong. 🙂 So, even with all my confidence that I present well as a woman, I still have lots of lingering self doubt. I’ve only been told by a couple people that I pass, but then I’ve never outright asked either.
My voice is one area I have a bigger issue with. For the most part it’s a personal issue, since no one I’ve actually talked to in public has reacted in any way at all to my voice. Teresa has, on occasion, suggested I really need to work on my voice though. Especially when it sounds too much like ‘James’. Currently, all I’m doing is taking the base out of my regular voice, and raising the pitch VERY slightly. It still sounds like me, but more androgynous you could say. And sometimes at home, I forget to do it. It’s still a very conscious thing to do, and takes effort.
I mentioned it to my therapist, and she said she hadn’t even thought of my voice as an issue, just thought of it as my voice. It is something I want to get right by the time I’m full time, but I also don’t want it to be so different as being unrecognizable as me.
I’m hopeful hormones (starting in March) will help with feminizing my face a bit, to get rid of some of the masculine hard edges. They can have an affect, but they work differently for everyone. Some get very little, others react to it like they were born for it. I’m hoping to be in that latter group. 🙂
– Jess