I am really missing my paternal Grandmother lately. While I realize she would have had a hard time understanding what I’m going through, and possibly even accepting it, I know she would have accepted me regardless.
In my earliest memories, she is almost always there. While my Dad was at work, she was primary care giver. Well, her and Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers, The Electric Company, The Friendly Giant, and of course, Mr. Dressup. But she was a bigger part of my upbringing than all those shows combined.
I have no memories of being discouraged from doing anything. She allowed me to play with her hoop skirt which was as big as I was. She gave me free access to her wigs. She encouraged my creativity in so many ways. She was very artistic, and I believe a lot of my artistic nature comes from her. I had an incredible imagination (still do I think). I’d act out various scenarios for her, and she was always a gracious audience.
The reason I miss her, is I’m finally truly me, and I can’t show her that. I’m sure I was authentically me when I was 3, 4, 5, 6 and maybe 7 years old. But after that point, I changed. She must have seen the change in me. I don’t have the ability to ask her if I seem more like I used to, now. To ask if she thought the change was just me ‘growing up’ or if she thought something else was at play. To ask if she had hints of the girl inside. I think she must have from how I played. Not that I played like a typical girl, but I don’t think I was anywhere close to typical boy either.
Then again, maybe she didn’t see the change in my behaviour as readily as I think. They moved out of town when I was 8, so instead of seeing me every day, it changed into only a few times a year. My change may have been more pronounced to her, but she wouldn’t have seen the gradual change. If there was even a gradual change. I don’t have much memory of this time. Who knows.
I can choose to think she would have been accepting and supportive of me. She never knew she had a granddaughter. She had always wanted one, never having a daughter. I just wish I had had the chance to show her that she did. I also wish I could introduce her to Teresa. I never had a girlfriend until after she had passed away. I would love the opportunity to show her how well I did, how lucky and blessed I am to have Teresa.
Perhaps in the quantum weirdness of the universe, she can see me now, and how happy I am, and know that I still love her dearly and miss her with all my heart.
– Jess