Not sure how much of a breakthrough it was, but I had my first social outing where I felt absolutely normal. Normal isn’t the right word, because I don’t think of myself as normal, but situationally, it was normal. I wasn’t feeling my ‘trans-ness’ at all. I was just me, at a birthday party.
A large part of me being able to feel this way, last night, was simply the people I was surrounded by. The friend, whose birthday party it was, has an amazing group of family of friends, and it didn’t even feel like I was ‘accepted’ because that seemed like a step that wasn’t even necessary. It was beyond that. Transcendent, you could say.
Even around my closest allies, I still am very aware of being trans. These people have known me a certain way for so long, and I them, that it’s very hard not to feel it. There is a change that is palpable. I don’t hate the feeling, as I’m quite proud to be transgender, but it isn’t all of who I am. It’s a big part of me currently, and will be during my transition. Yet, after I transition, I see it fading to a background as much as my left handedness (something else I’m proud of lol).
I’d been feeling a bit of my confidence eroded lately. I believe this is largely due to going to work as ‘James’. It’s not so much that I dress like James when I go to work, it’s that I think like James there. Granted, it’s not the same as before, but I still have my defenses up so that I pass as male. So, trying to be male for 10 hours a day on weekdays definitely has its impact on me. It is still an emotionally draining thing to do, even if I’m aware I’m doing it now. And it starts to muddle up how I present as female.
I got a lot of my confidence back last night. It was the most unguarded I’ve been to date, I think. Strange how letting my defenses down builds up my inner strength.
Teresa did very well in this social arena as well. Being introverted (we think she might have some extroverted qualities now though) she finds parties draining. Apparently, last night was not draining, and we were at the party for over 5 hours. We talked to some people we knew for the first while, but then started talking to people we didn’t know previously.
My other breakthrough, was that I took zero selfies. I didn’t ask Teresa to take any photos either. I finally went a day without taking a damn photo. I’m very proud of this fact. Proud that it wasn’t particularly hard to do too. Finally, in my mind, I was just going out to a party. It was part of the whole ‘not feeling trans’ last night.
It was a karaoke party, so people were trying to get us to sing. They were unsuccessful, but I did promise to sing next year. So, now I really need to work on my voice. Screw doing it for passability, I need to learn how to sing. lol.
– Jess