Ok, vague title. I have hope for a friendship that I thought was gone.
I need hope.
I’ve kind of been lacking in that department lately.
I got a text out of the blue today, from the friend that hadn’t replied to my emails in about 2 months. He asked if I was going to be home this afternoon. Apprehensively, I said, I’d be home around 4. I wasn’t sure if he was wanting to drop stuff off that he may have borrowed, and say goodbye or what.
The next text was, Mind some company for a bit?
Company is different than ‘talking’, so I took that as a good sign.
I got home at 3:15, and spent about half an hour redoing makeup and wardrobe. I didn’t want to go overboard and freak him completely out, but I also didn’t want much of a reminder of my old self (for my benefit and his). I settled on a pink t-shirt, and jeans. Subtle makeup. I think I looked pretty good.
Started tidying a bit in the kitchen to kill time until 4. Teresa had gone to yoga.
The doorbell went off at 4:05. My heart proceeded to pound very loudly and try desperately to get out of my chest cavity. Taking a huge deep breath, I went down the stairs to answer the door and give him a parking pass.
There was a strange look in his eyes, and we both said our, ‘hey’s. And he went off to put the pass in his car. I went upstairs so as not to cramp him at the bottom of the stairs. He came up the stairs, and the strange looks continued. I was totally expecting this. It’s a perfectly normal reaction to seeing that your best male friend is now a woman.
Then there was some awkward talk which was mostly about how weird this all was. I agreed that yes, even for me, this was weird. Which was followed by more looks, and more telling me how weird this was for him. And how he’d always just kind of shunted away thinking about anything trans whenever he came across it. So, here I was, kind of making him think about it.
The small talk eventually led to him mentioning his new car. Which I knew he had gotten, but hadn’t seen. So, we went out to look at it, and then he offered to take me for a ride. If you know what I mean. wink wink. Just Kidding!!! While out on the drive, we actually did bring up the trans stuff a bit, mostly hormone jokes to break the ice. He didn’t deflect, or shut down when the conversation went that way, so that was good.
Mentioned that my name change had gone through. And we decided that J or JJ would work for now if Jess was too much. I have a few other friends that call me JJ, and I like it just fine. It seemed like something mentally clicked when I told him the name was legally changed now. Maybe it will stick. 🙂
We got back home, and went inside and talked some more. I don’t remember every detail, but it wasn’t all trans related, there was a good mix of just all that was going on. I eventually asked if he was hungry, and we decided to go for food. Which then turned into just picking pizza up and coming back home to watch hockey. He seemed to have zero problem being seen in public with me, in fact, it didn’t even seem to register that this might be an issue.
So, over pizza and hockey, we talked for about another 5 hours. At no point did he seem like it was so weird he needed to leave. And he actually seemed to become comfortable as the night went on. My voice was all over the place as expected. I don’t think I ever totally dipped down to my male voice as I don’t use it at any time anymore, but I definitely got out of my Jess voice a LOT. Oh well. He didn’t seem to notice.
He got my pronouns right a lot of the time, not that it came up very much. And when he did get them wrong he corrected it all by himself. Every time. *happy dance*
I wish I could say I became more comfortable as the night went on. I had so much nervous energy when that doorbell went off, that I wasn’t able to dissipate it all night. It became very draining, and I was exhausted emotionally by the time he left. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it, or it didn’t make me happy that this night happened. I’m very happy it happened. It’s renewed my hope. Renewed my faith in my ability to choose good people as friends.
So, all in all, a good night I think. I’m happy.