Trigger warnings: suicide
I get told, often, how courageous I am. I get it. How it comes across that way. Certain things I do, I agree, are courageous. I put myself out there, every time I write one of these blog posts. I disseminate everything, and withhold nothing. I’m a complete open book. I’m proud to be out, proud to be trans, and proud to be me. I’ll accept that as being labelled courageous.
Transitioning, though, is not done from courage for me. When I realized who I am, I had to make a choice. I’ve been corrected by someone very close to me, that this was indeed a choice I made. It was a very easy choice, but still… The choice was to transition, or slowly degrade into self destruction and probably suicide.
Before I allowed myself to see who I am, there was a wall of denial. That wall had been slowly crumbling since its creation. A huge crack formed when I was 23, and led to my attempt on my own life. I couldn’t deal with the fear of what I saw behind that wall. I plastered that crack up, and continued on. Turning a blind eye to what I should have been seeing. Me.
Frustration leads pretty much every major life decision I make. There have been exceptions to that, every last one of the exceptions is driven by love. But I’m talking about frustration right now. Frustration is the main reason of my self harm, the main reason I came out, the main reason I sought counselling, and the main driving force behind my transition.
It is not transformed into courageousness. It is pure and primal. I broke down and obliterated that wall of denial because I couldn’t take it anymore. There would be no rebuilding it, it was dust. So, it was like the crack that formed when I was 23, but bigger. I was flooded with all my true feelings and thoughts. Transition is a lifeline to make it through those feelings and thoughts.
I have a strong desire to live, be happy, and love myself for once. So, the path of self destruction and loss was not a very appealing choice. Besides, with me living authentically, my love for others has expanded, and become truer.
Frustration with how I fooled, lied, and denied myself, is a driving force that pretty much has me ignoring what society thinks of me (positive or negative). I see now, it is where my confidence is coming from. I HAVE to do this, or I simply won’t be.
I don’t get mad when people tell me. I stopped trying to argue about it, even. And it takes a lot for me to stop arguing.
It is not courage.
It is survival.
And I will survive.
– Jess.