This post is mostly just for me to vent. A cathartic exercise. If you want to read it, be my guest.
Some days I really feel like my mind is split. Somewhere between the real me and the scared, timid, hiding, secretive projection of masculinity of what was.
Essentially fragmented somewhere between Jess and James. Nature and Habit. Free and Caged.
What triggers my old habits? What allows nature to to win out?
It feels like, by and large, that it is my work environment that triggers the old habits. It is such a struggle, an exhausting struggle, to fight through the mire and sludge of habit to be me when I’m at work. A struggle I often don’t win. I slip down into that muck too frequently. It fills my throat, deepening my voice. It slurps its way around my mind, holding down my spirit. I feel like I’m drowning inside my own head.
I have small victories every now and then at work, and then they’re taken away from me. Lost in that murk. That inky black and brown murk. Every time I hear, “James” it gets thicker. Every time I hear, “him” it gets darker. Every time I hear, “he” it gets harder to keep above it all.
I can see and feel it happening inside my head. I’ve been signing my name at work as Jess now, and have been giving that as my name when asked. Today, I said James. Today was not a good day. That same conversation I was asked if I had children. It was not in the usual context that it was asked, and shouldn’t have triggered me, but it did.
That conversation had so many things that I could have taken as positives. But all I did was focus on the negatives. I’m infertile. I look like a male.
The positives were, the guy thought I was in my mid 30s. He looked at my fingernails at least 8 times, without any reaction (bright red and sparkly thanks to Rain). He called me contemplative. He agreed that I should be doing something intellectual or artistic. He asked if I could be an artist or writer. The two things I most want to be. It’s like it was written on me. He asked if I had a book in me.
I’m happy that I can remember those points. But they were not given much thought at the time of the conversation. I’m trying to take them in now. Trying to get rid of the ugly mood that’s been dragging me down all day. I managed to push it aside for a few hours, but now an empty house has left me in my head again.
I think I need a spa day. I need to be pampered.