I’ve been fighting depression for the last month. Probably a lot longer than that, but I was distracting myself with all the trans stuff that was going on. Changing physical genders is a great way to distract yourself by the way. 😛
This was something I worked on with my side blog, and it was good I did that. So, I get to post this with a resolution of sorts, and not leave you all hanging. I’m working towards the light.
The basic gist of it is, when I broke down my wall and finally accepted myself, I let everything else out at the same time. I’ve tried, with this blog, to work on some of those issues, with a modicum of success. But I wasn’t really aware of the sheer vastness of what was down there. And how that was hitting me like a tsunami (therapist was using water as a metaphor, so I’m going to run with it).
Over the last month, my trans issues have become less distracting as they’ve integrated into every day life. I’ve started hormones. I’ve changed my name. I’ve changed my gender. There’s a few more forms to fill out, but life has become routine. I don’t think about it as much.
That’s when things went downhill a bit. I was stuck between wanting to feel EVERYTHING, because that’s how I saw myself now, someone who wasn’t afraid to feel. And wanting to feel NOTHING, because the feeling was WAY too powerful and painful. Wanting to feel nothing was scaring me, because in my mind, that led to rebuilding walls, and not dealing with things. I couldn’t go back to that. Yet, feeling everything else was too much.
Therapy was incredibly helpful. It was pointed out that I didn’t have to deal with everything all at once, and didn’t have to lock everything away. There was a happy medium. I was beyond logic dealing with this myself, and everything the therapist suggested really clicked with me.
What I’m working on is to put all the ‘things’ (emotions, memories, thoughts) into wicker baskets. These baskets do not lock (and that is incredibly important to my visualization – I will not LOCK stuff away). Some people need to do that – I don’t think I do (but I reserve the right to be wrong about that). These baskets can then be closed, and put away on a shelf in the back of my mind.
I can pull a basket or two out at a time to work on them. Instead of trying (and failing) to deal with all of them.
The other thing I worked on was how to actually resolve my issues. I was asked to come up with one thing that I had resolved in my life that I knew absolutely was resolved. The answer came instantly. My accepting myself. That resolved my gender identity issue. Completely. I know with confidence that that issue is resolved. And accepting my true self was the key to that resolution.
So, I may not know how to resolve all my things. But I know there are some that I need to accept them to move on from them. Knowing that I need to do it, doesn’t make it instantly happen though. But it is something to work on. Something I can make progress with.
Everyday I’m working on my visualizations. Keeping my shelf tidy, and all the lids closed. It’s working for now. Life is enjoyable right now.
– Jess