I was going to come up with an awesome title for this post, but in reality, this title sums it all up nicely. I don’t need a cute title for everything.
Saturday, May 2nd, 2015 is the day I officially started living full time as myself. No more ‘work/James/boy’ mode. There is now only one mode. Me.
Today, Monday, May 4th, 2015 marked my first day at work. This day was supposed to be in early winter, or late fall 2015. Then I pushed that up to late summer. Then I changed it to next month, after I’d done changing all my documents. Then on Friday it became, “this is it. Can’t do this anymore. It needs to be now.” And so it was.
I had planned on writing letters to various clients and vendors that we deal with on a regular basis. I dreaded the ‘just show up’ approach. I never wrote those letters. Apparently I’m still quite good at procrastination for some things. 🙂
I emailed the owners of our company Friday night, and told them my intention for Monday. Asking if there was anything they needed me to do, or if they needed more time. I got a reply Sunday that eased my worries about a few things, and that it was all good to go ahead with Monday.
Monday morning. This morning. I got up at 6am, about 4 hours after going to bed. I showered and shaved, then got dressed in my new work duds. Which are helping immensely with my self image. I may be in landscaping, but damnit, I want to be as cute as I can. I then ate breakfast, and tooled around on Facebook a bit. Letting everyone know how I was doing in the morning. Then I went and put a bit of makeup on, and said goodbye to Teresa.
I hadn’t told my uncle of my intention, and he’s my ride to work. So, I went outside, locked my door, and headed to his car, which was waiting for me. I put my stuff in the back seat, and then got in the front seat. I said something akin to, “I’ve decided that today is when I transition at work.” To which he responded with, “oh yeah.”
The drive was otherwise the same as every other drive in to work. I wasn’t expecting any awkwardness here. That expectation was for work. No one was around, and I got a phone call of what to do first thing. We needed to go pick a tree up at a nursery we deal with. With people that I’ve known for about 20 years. I emailed ahead the tree we needed, and a quick breakdown of me being transgender, and please use female pronouns. Then I just busied myself with getting ready, and we finally headed out in the work truck.
Making a pit stop to fuel the truck, I quickly ducked into McDonald’s to supplement my breakfast, and use the loo. No problem mentally just going into the women’s restroom. I think I got a strange look from one customer, but that was it.
Feeling nervous about the nursery. There is a tenancy for my emails to wind up in the spam folder, or just not get read. It was the latter. The office manager didn’t give me any strange looks, but I don’t think she fully realized who I was (she deals with a lot of people). I asked if she got the email, she said no. But then found it. And read it. Then just focused on the tree. In phoning the staff about the tree I needed, she misgendered me twice.
Not the best start to my first day. I figured if she’d just read the email, it would’ve been fresh in her mind, but apparently not. I was only mildly annoyed, and not dysphoric at all, so that was good. We drive to the back of the property and wait for the tree to be loaded on the truck. While we’re waiting the owner of the nursery comes up. I had no idea what to expect. He asked, “And who is this person?” in a light hearted way. And we chatted a bit. He asked, again light hearted if I was in mid life crisis. I responded that it was more of an identity crisis, but that it’s fixed. He asked if I was happy. That was NOT a question I was expecting. I said, yes, very (about transition I am very happy). And he left on business, but both of us were smiling after the brief conversation. He even offered me a job at the nursery if landscaping as too tough for frail Jess. (my words not his).
So, THAT basically made my morning. That he was so utterly accepting of the whole thing. And that’s kinda how the rest of the day went. No weird looks. Maybe the odd second glance. It didn’t feel like I was passing though, it felt more like everyone was just totally ok for there to be a man in makeup and women’s clothing. That’s possibly my negativity creeping in, but it was what it felt like.
It’s quite probable that that feeling is stemming from the two times I conversed with strangers today. I find it odd that people can just come up to me and have normal conversations. It’s happened many times. It’s like they just see a person, who is approachable, not a transwoman. Which is cool and all, but how do I know if they’re seeing me as a woman? Or if they understand it all enough to just know that’s how to treat me? Or if they don’t get any of it? ugh. It feels incredibly odd to have someone a foot away, who plainly sees I’m wearing makeup, earrings, have breasts, etc… and just doesn’t react at all to that. I’m good at reading people when I can look them in the eye, and I did that, and it just feels ‘normal’.
I guess that’s what passing feels like, but I have an incredibly hard time buying that I pass yet. I think in certain situations, I may. At a distance. And I think I may actually get there as the hormones do their work. But without a wig? Without fully covering my beard shadow? My eyebrows need work too. lol.
It was still a very good day. I just don’t know what to do about this feeling normal crap.