As some of you have known, I’ve been having a great deal of trouble when I’m by myself. I would start to go into a spiral of negative thoughts, and it would take quite a bit to get me out of it. I never figured out what caused it, other than it simply being a side effect of transition somehow. It would happen from time to time before transition, but very infrequently, and in the last 5 months, it was happening every time I was alone.
Something changed, I’m not sure exactly when, or even what changed. It wasn’t wholly the being alone thing, it was some dysphoria stuff as well. Somehow, I’ve changed.
I had a very bad Friday night – trying to activate my new VISA. My voice, that I thought was halfways decent on the phone, this night, turned out to not be the case. My initial attempt ended when the CSR asked if I was phoning FOR Jessica, and then asked to speak to Jessica. I hung up at this point. Since Teresa and Rain were over, I thought maybe my voice was being compromised a bit by them being in hearing distance, so I went out to a park to be completely alone (bad idea really).
I tried the phone call again, and got passed the ‘I AM Jessica’, only to get my birthday wrong. For some reason they had my wrong day. So, then, all the other questions started about Teresa. All of which I got right, until they asked the last payment on the account. I’m in a very dark park at this time. I have no clue what Teresa paid on it last. It ends with me just asking if this would be better if I went in to the bank, to which he said yes, and I said very quickly, ok, thank you, goodbye. *click*
I started to sob uncontrollably at this point. On a bench, at 11:30pm in a dark park. I wasn’t making any effort to be quiet, and a guy walking his dog asked (twice) if I was okay. I managed to blurt out a lie of ‘yep’.
Eventually making it home, I said goodnight, and cried more in bed. I also said and did some things that night that I’m not proud of, and I’ve apologized for, and they don’t need to be shared here.
This was the worst dysphoria I have ever felt. I was basically told that I was invalid. But I think, the bad way I reacted made me realize I had to change some things. Going on like this was not going to be good for my marriage and my friendships, and I’d truly wind up alone.
It may simply have been that thought that triggered this change. It may not be that at all. I really don’t know, but I do know something intrinsic changed. A whole part of my mindset is different now. My level of dysphoria has been reduced to a quiet controlled background hum. Almost comforting, instead of the discordant crash of noise it was before. I have a new feeling of being ‘right’, of things being the way they should be.
I’ve gotten some of my patience back – my physical changes are quite slow at the moment and that was causing me additional stress, which is now gone.
I had lost a lot of my confidence Friday night with the severe misgendering. It has returned, strongly, along with a companion feeling of just knowing things are right. It’s almost a feeling of ‘screw what everyone else thinks’ but it’s not. I still care what people think, I just know that if they misgender me, they’re wrong and I’m right. 🙂
Things with Teresa have gotten better too. All because of this mindset change. I’ve been able to be alone at work, alone at home, alone while out, and no self negativity at all.
I can’t explain it. I wish I could. I am very happy it happened, and I seem to be very happy overall again. It seems more natural too. When I first started transition, I was very happy – but it was just a happiness to be transitioning. It was overlying other negative feelings, which eventually broke through. Not that I wasn’t happier with being me, but I have other issues as well, not just being transgender. But now, I feel truly happy. For the first time in a long while. And for the first time ever (in memory), I’m happy AND happy being me at the same time.
Yay for inexplicable changes in how I think!