I have never, ever, wanted therapy, nor will I ever. I used to say that. I used to say it a lot. During my coming out, I wanted to start therapy.
I’ve had it suggested to me many times, that I should get some therapy about the cross dressing, or whatever gender issues I may have. I (meaning James the protector in this case) was so sure I had myself all figured out, I knew why I was dressing in women’s clothing, there was no need to dig deeper.
Something had changed though when I started to use the word ‘transgender’. Not because of using the word, but the same change that made me use the word made me want counselling. Chinks in the armour were forming, and James sensed the world was not quite as he thought it was. I am still amazed though that Jessica managed to break through enough to make that ‘want’ of help felt through my whole being. Maybe he finally realized that he was not able to provide the help she needed.
My wife has had much counselling in her life, and is currently seeing a therapist about some childhood issues. I too have seen this therapist, in an effort to better communicate with the wife, and to help her with her issues. It wasn’t wholly unpleasant, but I (James is still the outward face at this point) have a tendency to be very quiet in sessions – being shy and introverted. So, I don’t talk much, and there’s lots of awkward pauses.
My plan (Jessica and James jointly) was to see this therapist first, before seeing one more able to deal with my gender issues, since I already had a bit of a rapport with her. My wife on the other hand, jumped the queue and started to see the gender therapist, since she was having a bit of a hard time with me starting to use the word ‘transgender’.
My plan failed. It almost worked, but an appointment got cancelled, and I decided to just be a big girl about it, and see the proper person about myself. I’m happy about this now, it would have just been a wasted session.
I decided that I would go to all my sessions as Jessica. I figured, I might be more talkative if I was more vulnerable. A trait of Jessica’s (as an aside, I view vulnerability as a strength not a weakness). My defences might be a bit lower.
By this point, I’d gone out a few times as Jessica where it wasn’t Hallowe’en, and was starting to feel really comfortable being female in public. It was exhilarating. I figure I was almost passing, but even when I felt I wasn’t, I was still being accepted as a woman. I could live with that I thought to myself.
So, my first session I got all dressed up, and did my makeup (I’d had a makeup lesson from a cousin’s friend by this point, and had gotten decent at not looking like a whore or a clown), and had the wife with me as I drove to the office. After the wife showed me the door, we kissed, and I walked in by myself. As myself.
That first session was mostly a derailed train wreck of a conversation as I tried to convey as much information as possible for each question while getting lost in the process and sometimes even forgetting the original question. Still, I talked the entire session. Really talked. I think there might have been one pause near the end as I was running out of steam. I felt great. Nothing was solved, no insight given, but I’d started a process.
The second session is one I will always remember. We talked a bit about how the psyche is made up of parts, and everyone has many parts. About half way through the session, the therapist asked if I’d be ok trying to have James talk to Jessica. James (in the back of my mind) was going, ‘this is stupid.’ Yet, he wasn’t in control here, I was. And I said, ‘yes, I’d give that a try.’ So, we tried to make James a bit more present in the room, by talking about how he’d feel in this situation.
I said he’d feel awkward, get really quiet, and not really want to participate. That pretty much brought him to the front of my mind. So, she asked him if he’d like to say anything to Jessica. The very first thing that popped into my head was, ‘I’m so sorry.’ It was an apology for locking Jessica away, burying her and keeping her away from the world. This is very emotional for me, and I’m tearing up even now as I write this. Jessica, in a tiny voice, after prompting from the counsellor, accepted the apology and acknowledged that it was for her protection, and was grateful for it, because she knew it was all he knew how to do, and knew how much effort and sacrifice went into it. I nearly bawled in the office, but I think my James part was a bit too present still for that. I did tear up a lot though, and cried for an hour when I got home.
Realizing I had done this to myself, the power of an apology was mind blowing. To forgive yourself for something is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Part of that apology and acceptance of the protection, was Jessica saying that she (I) would never go back to being locked away, never go back to hiding, to being a secret. She was out. I was out.