WARNING: In this post I will be talking about my sexuality. It will be graphic. If you are family, and/or do not want to know this stuff about me, don’t read it. You will not be able to un-read it. 🙂 That being said, I have no objection to you reading it. I am open about everything, and this is just another aspect of myself.
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Quite a few posts ago, I touched on my sexuality ever so slightly, and mostly just to say Teresa was not comfortable with me posting about it. That has changed, and I have carte blanche to go ahead and write about how I experience sex. I will not talk about what we as a couple do or did. That, hopefully, will come later. This will just be about me, and from my perspective.
I think that a lot of women going through transition would like to know how others have their sexuality change or not change, and maybe what they can expect. I do not think I’m a stereotypical case, but some of what I’ve gone through may be relevant to someone else. Or it may just be fun to read about what I’m like sexually.
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Nipples. These are very prominent in my life now. My nipples have always been fairly sensitive. Even a few years ago, I got really close to orgasming solely from nipple play. Oh, so close. When I started taking estrogen, their sensitivity went through the roof. I can be stopped mid sentence, unable to continue talking, with the merest brush of a finger tip. It’s infuriatingly pleasurable.
With this new found sensitivity, I decided I wanted to finally achieve that mysterious, mythical body orgasm, with zero genital stimulation. After trying for a couple months I was finally able to achieve a completely non-genital orgasm. And it, quite literally, shook me to my core. It took about an hour to get there, with many periods of shuddering, convulsing, whimpering, and moaning along the way. I call these periods mini-o’s. They are extremely enjoyable, and even if I don’t reach full orgasm, I don’t feel I’ve missed out on anything.
But this time, after about 15 of these mini-o’s I got to that edge, and went over it. Every nerve in my body was firing and it felt like electricity was pulsing from my core outward every few milliseconds. Like someone was dragging an electrified net all over my skin, wave after wave it was washing over me. This lasted for a few minutes, but it felt like hours. Time really had no meaning.
After the waves stopped, and the nerves settled down, I was in a different place in my head. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t. I couldn’t speak either. Every now and then, a shudder or convulsion would run through me. And it was divine. I felt like I was floating. I felt like the universe had disappeared and there was only me, but it was only an internal me, there was no external anything.
When I finally came out of that, I opened my eyes and tried to assess my body and what happened. I didn’t ejaculate, I know I didn’t, but there was clear liquid that had come from me. That wasn’t entirely new, as this had been happening during arousal for a while. Essentially I was ‘getting wet’ with the anatomy I have. But there seemed to be more of it this time. I tried to recollect everything that had led to that explosion of sensation. It was almost all just pure nipple play. Fingernails, lips, tongue. The odd bit of hands roaming the body, but that seemed so secondary.
Since then, I have had 7 of these orgasms. So, almost averaging 1 a month. Considering I don’t have a lot of sex (sex drive is non-existent) that’s not bad.
Sex Drive. Pretty much at zero. Sometimes I can get into things if they’re happening, but it’s not something I’m going to initiate right now. It’s just not on my radar. I don’t even get sad about it, because I’m not missing the desire. It’s a very weird feeling, or maybe more accurately a non-feeling. My testosterone level at last check was 0.4 nmol/L which is practically zero. I can still get erections, but I don’t get spontaneous ones, or morning ones. Yay!!!!! Those are fairly dysphoric, because they’re a very male reaction. If I make myself erect, I can view that differently, as it’s in MY control. A lot of the time I don’t even get erect when I have an orgasm.
Masturbation. At first I could still do this just fine, but it was causing me dysphoria issues. Later, when my sex drive dropped off, figured it might be a good idea to just keep doing it occasionally to keep sensitivity up so things will work right after surgery. Sounds like a good plan, and my dysphoria from it had dissipated. So, a few months ago, I tried, and the ‘orgasm’ at the end was so anti-climactic it was depressing. It was like my genitals said, “Meh.” And nothing came out. I don’t seem to produce much of anything at the moment. a tiny bit of clear liquid at times, and usually before orgasm. Mind you, I’ve never had a lot of ejaculate because there was never any sperm in it.
So, I gave it a while before trying again. The next time I didn’t even get a ‘meh’. I got absolutely nothing. You know how people talking about climax describe it as building towards a cliff, or some kind of edge (hence the term edging), and then going over that edge and falling? There was no falling. The cliff was the same height as the ground on the other side. Nothing. Just the loss of sensation of the build. And every time since then has been like that. So, I try maybe once a month right now, but it’s annoying more than anything. Maybe once my estrogen gets a bit higher something will happen again.
Erogenous Zones. These are weird little creatures. I have a few permanent ones. Nipples. Prostate area. Clitoris (tip of penis). But I also have ones that move and change. This could be due to changing hormone levels. My back almost always has some. Fingernails run up my spine sometimes. Other times it’s the sides of my back. Or across my shoulder blades. My neck often hides one somewhere. Behind the ears, or at the base of the neck. The underside of my wrist every now and then gives me shivers. Certain spots on my legs, especially the inner thighs. It’s kind of fun because they do change. Sometimes I’ll find one myself, and just absent mindedly stroke it. lol.
Likes and dislikes. Still figuring these out to a large extent. I’m definitely happy enough just having my nipples played with. Sucked on, stroked, pinched, bit, vibrated, hot wax dripped on. Not into a ton of pain, but the wax thing is a huge turn on. And pretty much any kind of touch will stop me in my tracks. Yes, you all know my kryptonite now. Use this information wisely.
I don’t mind genital stuff anymore. It used to be a big problem for me. Especially after using it as a penis. I came to the realization that it is MY genitalia, no matter how it looks, so it’s not a man’s penis. That being said, I stay away from using it that way as well. But doing things with the tip can accentuate what I’m feeling from other sources. Mostly vibration is what I like in this case.
Not a fan of anal play. Tried it, and with all the fuss involved, and needing to have so many stars aligned for things to even be pleasurable, I’ve kind of let it fall to the wayside. I’d rather wait for after surgery to have things inside me.
I’m still mostly submissive in bed. Always have been, but I think I’m finding a stronger, dominant side expressing itself at times, more so than I’ve ever had before anyway.
On the fence about being tied up. Sometimes I like being restrained, and giving up all control. Other times not so much. So, it’s probably a night by night kind of thing.
I like my hair being grabbed and pulled a bit (my real hair is finally long enough for that), and I also just like fingers being run through my hair. That’s a great way to end a night, along with cuddling.
I absolutely LOVE cuddling. With my partner, and even platonically with friends. It is such a comforting feeling. Full of love and warmth.
Things that vibrate, as I’ve mentioned, are awesome. And can be used in so many ways.
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I’m still figuring myself out, anything that I thought was a like or dislike before transition had to be thrown out the window. That wasn’t the real me. That was someone that was afraid to really give in to her own desires. Someone that never would have written a blog post like this. She didn’t even know she was a she. So, of course her likes and dislikes would be different now.
Increasing hormones are going to continue to play a role in how I progress as well. My body will continue to change, and hopefully keep offering up pleasure in surprising ways.
Thanks for reading, and as things change I will keep you all updated.
– Jess (and I’m not even blushing)
PS – if anything I’ve written here brings up questions for you, please feel absolutely free to ask. No judgement from me on it.