Today I went to work with my own hair. A different experience than when I thought I could not wear a wig, and went to work with my own hair in May. Today, my hair is about 7″ long and fairly curly in the back, it is noticeably feminine looking (I think). Probably even more feminine than my work wig. I still need to cover the top part, but I felt completely comfortable and confident in how I looked today.
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| Me myself and my hair (and a headscarf) |
I think it was fitting that today was the day this happened. I’ve been growing my hair since January. To finally go out with nothing artificial, and feel I’m presenting the way I really want to, is a very fulfilling thing.
Exactly one year ago today, I accepted that I was in fact Jessica. The day of December 8th, 2014 will forever be ingrained in my memory. More important than any other date. I accepted that she was not a small part of me, that I indulged every now and then. I accepted that I had buried her deep inside, and hurt her prolifically. I accepted that I needed to change. I accepted that I needed to be true to myself.
I threw away all my fears and doubts that I had been clinging to. Fears and doubts that had allowed me to deny who I really am. Losing those fears allowed me to finally open myself up. Discover who I really am – a process I’m still working on.
It has been quite the year for me. It went by so fast, and yet certain things seemed (and still do seem) to take forever. I’m essentially at a point, where I am fully me. Yes, there are some physical things to fix yet in the next year, but for all intents and purposes, I feel realized.
Life feels natural to me now. A feeling I never knew about until recently. Before transition, I was always making sure no one saw any outward sign of Jessica, not a natural way to live. Constantly guarded against slipping up, saying the wrong thing, like ‘Oooh, that’s pretty!’ Then in the early part of transition, it was better, but I was still worrying about how I was presenting, just in a different way. Yes, most of the time I had confidence, but it wasn’t the same as now.
Now there really is no effort in being me, I just am. I’m comfortable in my skin. I have bad days, I get misgendered. But the bad doesn’t last as long. The misgendering bothers me a bit, and then it goes away. I see myself as a fairly attractive woman. I’ve kind of accepted that I will get called sir occasionally. I just can’t see why. Maybe I’m deluding myself, but I’d rather delude myself this way, than the way I’d done it for 34+ years.
I am so thankful for all my friends and family that have supported me through this process. It is a very remarkable thing how many of you are there for me. Also remarkable is how many have joined after I started this journey. When I came out I had about 187 people on my friend list on FaceBook. I lost 2 acquaintances in the process. I now have 256 friends with only a few of those being very peripheral acquaintances.
I had zero connection to anyone in the trans community when I started this journey, and I really appreciate the friends that I now have, that share this road. To have people that I can talk to, that really understand what the hell I’m talking about it, is invaluable. And probably helped me from going completely insane, as well. You are some of my closest friends now.
In this last year I have changed a lot. Some of the changes are from throwing away my fears and doubts. Some are from hormones. Some are from life experiences. Some are from new people in my life. Some are from people that have always been there. I am no longer the shy quiet person hiding in the corner. I still lack certain social skills that I didn’t learn growing up, but I’m getting better. I’m predominately extroverted, not an introvert like I had thought my entire life. I thrive on being around people and being social.
I have learned a lot about my likes and dislikes, and how wrong and skewed they were before starting transition. Most of my likes and dislikes were based on my filters and how I thought I needed to present myself to pass as a guy. With those gone, my world opened up.
My life has complexities in it now that I never imagined even a year ago. I wind up saying this a lot, but, life really is interesting now. I’m constantly looking for new experiences, and I keep finding them. I’m not sure I’ll ever run out – and I don’t want to.
Thanks to everyone in my life, everyone that reads this blog, and everyone in the LGBTQQIP2SAA (look it up if you want to know). I love you all.
– Jessica Jaclyn Hanna Reimer