After that second therapy session, I’d had some correspondence with a few people, and was being questioned on a few things. I was getting told that these friends and family had no idea who ‘Jessica’ was. My instant reaction to that was, “how could you not know her? She’s always been here.” Every time it was coming up, I was saying to myself, “she’s always been here.”
That one little statement was changing how I thought of myself, and it was coming about because of how I was changing. That sounds a bit like a vicious circle, or like Ouroborus, but I’ll explain (or try to).
During my coming out, I was noticing a lot of my old, and very deeply seeded, fears were slipping away. Fears that James had used as foundations for my protection. Which, in turn, meant his foundations were crumbling away. My fear of going out was completely gone. My fear of not passing, pretty much gone. My fear of rejection, gone – I had resolved to deal with any rejection I got head on, but I never got a chance, since there wasn’t any rejection.
Also, during counselling, my therapist was trying to emphasize that I needed to trust in myself more, and be more aware of my feelings, rather than analyzing and rationalizing everything. This was an especially big part of therapy session number 3.
We talked about some problems I was having with my Dad. Mostly about my Dad being accepting, and ok with things in concept, but not so ok with actually seeing or meeting Jessica. We talked about what his fears would probably be, and what my fears were because of his hard time. He was one of the people saying they didn’t know Jessica.
It was a good session, and it ended with the idea that I was going to write my Dad and introduce Jessica to him. Kind of a ‘getting to know you’ type of email. I thought it was good idea – I still haven’t done it yet because of what happened 4 days ago.
What happened 4 days ago, was an internal event. I was practising being self aware, going through all my feelings, all my memories. Feeling them, not really thinking about them too much. And during this process, for the first time I can recall, I wound up with my mind, heart and soul all on the same page about myself. Obviously my defences were down during this process (or so weakened to not be an issue). It was an epiphany of sorts, the gist of which was, I am Jessica.
Yes, I had been feeling a duality the last few years, but it was being caused by something a bit different than I had thought. This was a complete moment of clarity – the kind where you say to yourself, “how could you have NOT seen it before?”
Jessica is the me that makes me, me. She’s the sensitive one, the care giver, the hugger, the lover, the writer, the artist, the vulnerable one that can ask for help and rely on people, the soft one, the one that doesn’t want to hide in the corner, the intelligent one, the humorous one that loves British comedy, the sporty one, the one that loves gaming, the nerd, the geek, and all the other things that I am. Yes, a lot of these traits made it through my protective layers, but they were filtered. That filter (James) has changed now.
All those times wishing, hoping, wanting, praying to be a girl. It was because I WAS a girl. Just thinking about it now, I think I was praying and hoping to ‘James’ not to an external entity. James had done research on transsexualism, and they always talked about ‘feeling trapped’. I never really felt ‘trapped’ because I had never really been out to begin with. I felt buried, or denied. James rationalized that because it was manifesting as a ‘want’ that it wasn’t real. Much, much safer to not be transsexual.
So, 4 days ago, I came to the self realization that I am a transsexual. I feel as if I have to come out all over again, because this is different than what I had told everyone (including myself). Hopefully this blog will help explain why I was having so much trouble being honest with myself.