Tech Girl Jessica

Level: 48
Class: Techno-witch
Str: 12 Int: 17 Wis: 16 Dex: 15 Con: 17 Cha: 17
Challenge Rating: 15
Locale: Left coast. The traditional territories of the Semiahmoo, Katzie, Kwikwetlem, Kwantlen, Qayqayt and Tsawwassen First Nations.

84 – Reboot

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jessicajaclyn
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Trigger Warning: Talk of suicide, blood clots, tattoos, piercing

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My blood clot treatment is over. It was over August 7th. I could have gone back on estrogen at that time. Instead I decided to get a tattoo and some more piercings. Things that I wanted for me. Things that I can’t really do while on blood thinners (the piercings maybe, but I wanted to be safe).

I’m very glad I got the tattoo and the piercings. They have helped my mood immensely. I look down at my tattoo (even in its healing phase) and am filled with senses of determination, strength, and joy. It will always be a beacon to me, keeping me going.

There’s a lot of symbolism in the image. The overall image is that of a dragon – an intelligent, beautiful and strong creature. Things I aspire to be. The design is abstract, with both the colours and the line art of the dragon itself. This was important to me for this piece, as it signifies the ways in which I think. The lines are graceful, something else I try to be.

The semi-colon has become a significant symbol for suicide survivors. In literary terms it allows an author to continue a sentence, when he could have ended it. As you readers know, I attempted suicide some 22 years ago, and I survive 3 people in my life (including my best friend) succumbing to suicide. The beautiful tail of the dragon points to the spot where I held my box cutter, just barely breaking my skin, for half an hour, as I cried kneeling on the floor.

The piercings don’t have as much meaning to me. I just have wanted them for a long time. And I love the earrings I got…

For most of my blood clot treatment I was feeling pretty good. The last couple weeks were hellish though.
My testosterone levels got very high while being off everything except for finasteride. Finasteride is good at stopping testosterone from converting to dihydrotestosterone, but it doesn’t really block testosterone. My level got to 11.8 nmol/L; about 3 times what my T level was when I started HRT (3.4 nmol/L). I was getting frustrated at every little thing, depression was getting bad, and the worst part is I just did not feel like me. My emotions felt very foreign.
When I finally got my tattoo, my mood changed for the better. I think it will always have that effect on me now, which was kind of the intent.
13.5 weeks I was without an estrogen source. I restarted my estrogen Friday, August 19th, after my piercings, along with my blood thinners. Within only a couple days, I’m noticing the effects. This initial part will be rough, like it was the first time I went through it. But it seems like it’s working quickly, so that’s good. I’m starting to feel like ‘me’ again.
In about 6 weeks I’ll have my serum levels checked again, and most likely go on bio-identical progesterone. Something that I wanted early on in my treatment. It will help suppress the testosterone, and also aid in behind the scenes ways.
I still get occasional edema (swelling) in the ankles. But since restarting estrogen, it has decreased. I seem to be on the right track again finally. Now if my boobs will just start growing again and get back to the 38C they were 3 months ago……..

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