85 – Friendships lost

This year I’ve now lost 2 friends. Both were people I truly loved. Both were people I truly hurt. Both were people that truly hurt me.

It sucks. Neither of them will be in my life anymore. The endings came about very differently for the 2 of them though.

The first friendship to die ended shortly after my blood clot diagnosis. Once again, I was in a place where I was unable to be there for someone else. I tried. As much as I could try without sacrificing myself. They probably don’t even feel like I tried at all, or nearly enough. From their perspective, that’s probably a fair take on things.

I’m not going to defend myself. I chose to end the friendship definitively – but I really think it had ended without me saying anything. They had disappeared from my Facebook, and it seemed like they had cut me out of their life. I didn’t blame them at all for that. We were toxic for each other at this point. I firmly believe ending it was for the best. What I hate about that, though, was I had promised to always be there.

Promises like that are meaningless though. It’s like promising to love someone forever. They sound good, and are meant to make people feel good, but they are meaningless. Situations change, and sometimes it’s better to break the promise than to endure a broken or hurtful situation.

The second friendship ended tonight. Or more likely several weeks ago. In my attempt to communicate and eliminate awkwardness, I wound up causing hurt, confusion, and resentment. It wasn’t going to recover from that.

I don’t take full blame for either of these friendships ending, but the lioness share is mine I believe.

To both people I humbly apologize for hurting you. I still have love for both of you.

Peace and long life.

Yours,
Jessica

Edit 2020 – Interestingly enough, both these people are back in my life. In healthy ways. Life is funny.