As some of you know already, I’ve begun a new, long distance relationship. The way this came about is kind of interesting, and I wanted to share, because this is the first post-transition relationship where I’m actually free to discuss it.
I have known Melissa for quite a few years. We were introduced to each other in an online game (World of Warcraft). At the time, we were both still trying to pass as guys. We wound up in the same guild, and spent many weekends raiding together. I developed an actual affinity for this person, and was genuinely sad when she missed a weekend, or I had to miss a weekend.
A brief description of what ‘raiding’ is. For us, it was a mostly disorganized attempt to kill boss monsters as a group of 10 players who all got along more or less and didn’t yell at each other as we died many times. Somehow, this was fun for us. We were WAY more successful than we had any right to be. *lol*
Melissa played a character named Gnomerology – a gnome (duh) mage. I played a an elf (again duh) priest. Most of the time we were both filling damage inflicting roles. Meaning we went pew pew pew a lot.
When raiding, some semblance of communication is required, so we all used a program called Ventrillo which allowed us to speak to each other with headsets. This is where a lot of the camaraderie developed between all of us. Speaking allows you to convey more information, and at a faster speed, than typing. So you wind up getting to know people a lot better.
Gnomer and I developed a rather healthy competition each week to see who could do more damage throughout the raid, and thus claim that it was her or I (or Sunilt – rarely *lol*) that made the day successful. (as opposed to the healers or the tanks)
When she quit playing, about a year before I did, I actually missed her. And we lost contact with each other.
Fast forward a few years, and I had our Guild Mother on my friend list on Facebook, and she happened to still be in touch with Melissa. This is when I get a fairly random message from her…
“Pssst! Remember Gnomerologyyyyyyyyyy?
“Xxxxxxxx” has become Melissa, and is just starting her own journey. I was just wishing her well, as she had posted new pics and her announcement.”
What were the chances that 2 people in a tiny World of Warcraft guild (like 12 members) would both be trans and begin transition within a year of each other? I had to reestablish contact. So, when I picked my jaw up off the ground, I asked if Guild Mom could get me in touch with Melissa.
She did, and we started chatting. Of course we talked all things trans at the beginning. It usually happens because transpeople can relate to each other so well. It pretty easily establishes a bond between any of us, regardless of anything else.
We would chat for a few days here, a few days there. I liked our conversations, but didn’t want to take up too much of her time, and have her think I was needy or something. I suspect she was doing the exact same thing.
Our chats did increase in frequency as the months went on. Soon it was every day that were talking to each other. The conversations became many faceted. We could talk about anything with each other. Then we became confidants, where we were sharing more intimate things. Fears, anxieties, loves, hates, I felt like I could tell her anything.
It wasn’t too long after this point that I realized I was actually in love with her. I was actually not happy about that. I’d done a long distance relationship before, and it was SO hard. Not seeing the other person when you wanted or needed to was tough on me. Not being able to be there in person when they needed you, even tougher.
I was also, at the time, looking for a boyfriend (or at least a masculine partner – and Melissa is definitely NOT masculine). Yet, here I was thinking of her almost all of the time. Wanting to comfort her when she was having a bad day, reassure her that she was worth being loved, wanting to just cuddle with her, or do anything with her.
I’m of the mind now, where if I love someone, or have a crush on them, I need to tell them. So, I had to tell her. I was afraid it was going to scare her off. Who falls in love with someone you’ve only known from a computer game and messenger chats? I’m just some needy transwoman in Vancouver. My brain was coming up with all the Epic Fail scenarios it could. It was convinced this was not going to go well.
My gut on the other hand, was trying very hard to reassure me. It sure felt like the feeling was reciprocated. She was always so happy to chat with me. She always got cheered up if she was down, and we talked.
So, between needing to tell her, and trusting my gut, I finally wrote her this:
“You know I love you right? I know I haven’t said it. Wanted to but didn’t want to freak you out. I have alluded to it a few times. Right now, it’s a fledgling thing, but it’s real. I don’t need you to say it back or anything, it’s just been killing me not telling you.”
It’s not so fledgling anymore. It’s grown for both of us, and it’s completely beautiful. I don’t feel so far apart from her, even if she’s a 15 hour drive away. We have a connection that dwarfs the distance. We don’t know how this works going forward, only that we know it will. I’m going to visit her soon, and spend a few days in person developing our connection even further.
I love you Melissa, and I want the world (or at least my readers) to know!
