“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” – William Shakespeare
Who I am has not fundamentally changed, yet changed I am. James (the protector part) is not going away, he’s just changing. I still need protection. The world is still out there. The process I’m going through is not easy. He will probably always be a masculine part of me. Where my competitiveness resides among other things. I am not a stereotypical woman (obviously?). He’ll probably be very critical of how I look. The more natural I look, and the more confidant I am, and the more passable I will be. He’ll hopefully tell me to not wear the cocktail dress to Starbucks. lol.
It makes me sad and angry when people say they don’t know Jessica. Not at them, but at myself, or at least at James. My lies were good. Good enough to even fool me a lot of the time. I have forgiven myself, but it’s still hard at times, when things like this come up.
Most of you do know Jessica at least a little bit. I’ve been hidden, but I sneaked through in as many ways as I could. My sense of humour is the same. My interests are largely unchanged. The way that I interact with the world has changed though. I’m more touchy-feely by far. Obviously I will look different – although going full time is still a ways off, I will be dressing as a woman as often as I can.
I am WAY less introverted than I was previously. This is probably the most remarkable change. Also, the one the wife has a lot of troubles with, as she is still very much an introvert. My new outward expression is very draining for her, yet invigorating for me. I’m not a complete extrovert (yet?) but I don’t want to hide in the shadows, that’s for sure.
I will still go camping and sleep in a tent. I’ll still hike, and take photographs of BC’s great waterfalls, lakes, and general landscapes. I’ll still play computer games, and munchkin, and board games. I still love spending time with friends and having a bit of wine (still red – that ain’t changing).
I seem to write more now than I ever have. I keep a journal, and this blog. Poetry is still big for me. I want to share my experiences with people, even strangers – that’s new. I’d love to help other people going through what I’m going through. It’s so hard to find someone that can relate to the trials and tribulations of being a transgender person.
Anyway, it is now time for me to start getting ready for therapy #4 where I talk about my new sense of self. I think now that the broad story is told, I can start to focus on some of the littler details in my next few entries. I’m also planning a bit of a timeline in photos.