95 – Dodgeball

So, I’ve done it. I’ve committed myself to playing a sport again. I think it was a good decision. My teammates are all great. The league (an LGBTQ+ league) is also great.

The first night of playing was mostly getting all the teams in one place, going over rules and policy, and having a few quick, fun games. I fully exhausted myself by the end of the last game. It felt great. We went for drinks/food after and got a bit of socializing in.

I was sore for the next week. Muscles I haven’t used in years were complaining very loudly at me. “What have you done, girl!?!?” I think I was limping every day until our next game night.

I was worried about the logistics of playing in a league based in East Vancouver, considering i work in Richmond (near the airport) and live in Abbotsford. That’s a lot of commuting all over the place.

So far, it’s not that bad. Transit can get me close, and I can either walk, or catch a ride with a friend on the team.

The second night of playing, things took a bad turn. I took transit in to Vancouver, and decided I’d walk the 2.5 miles to the venue, as a warm up. I go walking all the time, I should be fine. I was wearing socks that didn’t cover my achilles tendon, and as a result my shoes rubbed my skin until I got some lovely water blisters on both ankles. The pain from that, affected how I was walking, and the walking itself was making me sore.

By the time I got to the school where we play, I was already fatigued, and my muscles, which had not recuperated from last week, were showing signs of being over worked. I was getting small muscle spasms. I tried to stretch as much as I could before playing, but I didn’t get enough in (I don’t think I could have stretched enough that night).

Within my first game, I pulled a quadriceps muscle in my right leg (near where I already have a muscle tear – from being equally stupid years ago). So, I played a LOT more conservatively that I would normally play. Not a lot of running, just being hyper aware of incoming throws, and making my shots count.

Somehow, I managed to play well enough to get voted ‘gold star’ (best player in the match) by the opposing team. I think it should have gone to another player on our team, but I did play decently.

The second match things got worse. I was trying not to push myself. Walking more than running, and just being mindful so I didn’t have to dodge much. I jogged up to the centre line to grab a ball, and as I reached for it, every muscle in my right leg said, “nope. You’re on your own lady,” and promptly gave out on me. I fell across the centre line (didn’t have much choice in the matter) and that put me out of the game. My calf was spasming, my hamstring was spasming, and my quads were spasming.

I figured I was done for the night. After resting, and more stretching, I was able to get in for the last game, and did not do too bad. But my leg was fucked. It still isn’t 100%, and we play again in 2 nights. And I will play. 🙂

Mentally, joining this team is huge for me. I have really missed playing team sports. Our team is not competitive. Some of us are self-competitive, but we only pressure ourselves to do better, not others. It feels very supportive. I’ve never been anything other than self-competitive. I’ve never blamed or shamed other players on a team, even when I was running on testosterone. I just wanted to play the best that I can.

I grew up as an athlete. I would say that role defined me more than any other. Athletics were also my favourite escape. When I play a sport, (and this still definitely happens) I focus on the game. Everything else fades to black. I poured myself into sports growing up because I could forget about everything else. It’s like meditating in that way for me. Gives my brain a break from all the damn over thinking it does.

I could ignore my dysphoria, my anxieties, my fears, my self esteem issues, my stressors, everything. It was and is pure relief. Nothing works better. Reading is still too cerebral, and I can have my other thoughts drift in. Gaming is a close second, but unless I’m raiding (team thing again) I don’t have that pinpoint focus that I do with sports.

Sports also offers the ability to completely physically exhaust myself. I find that being in that state, my emotional well being improves. The endorphins don’t hurt either. 🙂

So, I will keep playing as long as I can. I will try and not get more injured. And I will have fun. The only thing that will stop me from playing will be actually getting my surgery. Which, I should be a step closer to, after my appointment on Oct. 3.