Greetings from 2019.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, so I thought I’d take a stab at writing. Life has been pretty good the last few months, and because of that, I haven’t felt the need to write.
Not every day was great. And not even every month. December, for example, sucked ass. I have not had that much dysphoria since early transition. Almost every day was a struggle with self image, and self esteem. Mostly hair related dysphoria. My crown hair is still quite thin, and for some reason it was very noticeable to me that month.
Before December though, things were pretty good. I had the let down after Missy and I went separate ways again for a few months, but other than that, things were good. I got an opportunity to do extra work – including some programming. I never realized how much I missed coding until November. I need to do more.
The extra work wound up getting a bit stressful though, and ultimately, I think this is why December was so bad. I was under a lot of pressure a few times during that month, and that led to me not doing enough self care. Things went down hill from there.
January has been an upswing again. I’ve been feeling better about myself, and I also had a raise at work kick in. Not that money is what’s making me happy, but not losing money every month helps.
I had a really good experience at the local hardware store last night. I decided to walk up and buy some light bulbs for the new table lamps I got for my room. They take chandelier bulbs, and because they’re from Ikea, I was having trouble finding exactly the right bulbs.
I had a store employee call me ma’am twice as he scooted by me. And then I had a fellow shopper flag another staff member down to “help this lady find the bulbs she’s looking for.”
Now, I don’t get misgendered all that often any more. It’s quite rare. But I do seem to get not-gendered a lot too. Which may be a good thing for society, but when you are craving validation, it’s sometimes a bit of a downer.
However, last night, I was getting gendered correctly repeatedly. This usually makes me happy, but in this case, it was beyond that for what it did for me. Not only did they get it right, and also the 2nd staff member also got it right, they did it repeatedly in conversation. I was wearing a bulky jacket, black leggings, running shoes, a blue toque,
my glasses, and no makeup.
I got gendered correctly while not putting any overt effort into my presentation. The toque helped, in that it hides my hairline, and the really thin hair on top of my head. I’ll take it though, considering I talked without having them change pronouns on me.
So, while I am content being visibly transgender, I definitely need times like that where I can relax and not be as ‘on guard’ as I am the rest of the time. Helps me recharge a bit, and gain some confidence back.
Cheers,
Jessica