So, I’ve probably mentioned that I’m transitioning. I don’t think I’ve really said what that means or entails for me and us (at least not in any detail).
Granted, I’m only at the beginning of transition, so a lot of this is conjecture on my part, but based on what I’ve read from others’ journeys. It’s already gone very different from what I envisioned when I started December 24th, 2014.
Originally, I saw beginning transition as a time where I’d be presenting as male (James) most of the time, and me (Jess) the rest of the time. I thought I’d need to ease into it for those around me, to give them time to adjust. I thought I couldn’t be Jess every day, that I wasn’t ready for what that meant I’d have to do.
I was supposed to have one week of being Jess over the winter holidays. At first, this was just something I’d wanted to do for the last few years, and was planned as such. But then, I figured out who I really was, and that kind of changed everything. The week was now going to be a trial run of transition, and an introduction of the true me to everyone in my family (including friends).
Then, that plan changed. It turned into almost two weeks of being me, and quickly after that, the trial had become part of my transition. Where I had thought I could be James more often, and ease into being Jess over time, I discovered I was much more acutely aware of my dysphoria. I went from a slight feeling of resignation being male, to, at times, severe emotional discomfort. Now, James only exists in a work environment, and Jess is here at all other times.
This arrangement is the best I can do at present, and it works well enough. There are drawbacks to not being 100% full time me. As James, I slip into my old defensive shell and habits. Then, some of that carries over when I switch back to Jess in the evening, or on the weekends, and it takes a while to get out of it. Teresa is the one that suffers the most when that happens.
So, that is where I’m at now. The immediate future holds the beginning of my hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I’ll be taking androgen blockers (which are essentially hair restoration drugs that block DHT (dihydrotestosterone) and testosterone, estrogen (most likely in the form of a weekly transdermal patch of estradiol, and quite possibly a progesterone.
This is where my life starts to get really interesting. I will lose muscle mass, mostly in the upper body, and have to work hard at keeping a semblance of strength for my job. I’ll develop breasts, and fat will redistribute to a more female pattern (bust, hips, thighs, butt). There will be an emotional component as well, and I’ll likely have mood swings and periods of weeping for no reason. 🙂 I may regrow some of my thin hair (this is why I’m trying to grow it out again), and body hair should slow down, and even diminish a bit. Sexually, I’ll eventually lose male function, but that doesn’t mean I lose the ability to be intimate.
Friendships and relationships will change a bit during this process as well. Most have already changed, at least somewhat. I am already different than I was before, but I have a feeling this will be heightened once I’ve started HRT.
For the next few months, my life will be a roller coaster. The goal during this stage, is to develop enough that my body looks female even under masculine landscaping attire. There is a high likelihood that my face will change in appearance as well, helping with that. Once I’m at a point where I would not need to wear prosthetic breasts, I will finally be able to be me at work.
I’m hoping for being able to do that this year. Possibly in the fall, but probably in the winter if it happens. If things progress slower than that, or breast development falls off, I have the option of breast augmentation after 1 year of hormones, which would put me in March 2016, plus however long the wait list is for that surgery.
Once I’ve transitioned at work, there’s still more to do. I will be working on self discovery, and self awareness, and self betterment all the time, but I will be able to fully devote my self to it after I’m done presenting as male. I still have a lot of issues that need dealing with. Writing about some of them in this blog has helped, but it’s really only scratched the surface.
My work environment will be a challenge for me. As James, I’m very non-confrontational. As Jess, ehhhhhh, not so much. There’s one co-worker that will, likely, finally get told what’s wrong with him. 🙂 I’m certainly not going to take his shenanigans silently. Looking forward to that. lol. I am a bit worried about how I’ll be received by other contractors, this is an industry heavily populated by males, and a lot of them are your typical construction worker types. So, either, I’ll pass and be largely ignored, or I’ll pass really well and get wolf whistles, or I’ll not pass and get called all sorts of derogatory names, and possibly even have people get physical with me. I will need to really be prepared mentally for this.
The next stage of transition will be deciding whether or not to get bottom surgery. Also known as gender affirming surgery, or gender reassignment surgery. Originally Teresa and I had decided that I would not get the surgery. At the time, I didn’t feel it was necessary for me. My main goal was to outwardly present as a woman. For Teresa, she had wanted to hold on to heterosexuality, and viewed not having that surgery as a way of doing that. And both of us are still scared of how major a surgery it is. So, that decision was fine in both our minds.
After becoming way more intimate in the last two months than we ever have been, and predominantly without the use of my genitalia, her view has changed. Being a completionist, Teresa now says she wants the packaging to fit the interior. There are other safety issues as well, when travelling abroad (pun intended) if genitalia don’t match passport or birth certificate. I’ve changed my stance on it as well, though I still don’t feel it is a necessity. With my new awareness of my dysphoria, I can see myself having issues the further along I go.
So, we are currently planning on me having the surgery, and being physically complete. Which I am not unhappy about in the least. It’s still a scary surgery, and at least 3 and a half years off as we save first for our second wedding, and then for the time off work, flight, etc… for the surgery. There is only one surgeon in Canada doing gender affirming surgery, and he is in Montreal. Medical will cover the cost of the operation, and hospital stay, but does not cover the flight for me, or anyone I bring with me and their accommodations (we’re still looking for at least one person to accompany Teresa and I), and my time off work recuperating.
Then after I’m all healed, transition pretty much ends. The androgen blockers will not be needed anymore, and the estrogen dosage can be lowered as well. I’ll have a greatly reduced chance of prostate cancer, a smaller chance of breast cancer than a cisgendered woman, and about an equal chance of osteoporosis. It may be that I’ll still be going through my second puberty at this point, it can take up to 5 years of HRT to finish all the effects on the body. Everyone please send their support to Teresa for dealing with a mid 40ish year old teenage girl. 🙂
– Jess