It seemed to be triggered with some kind of emotional cycle I have now. I’ve had a cycle before, in my teens, it was a couple manic days every 28 days. This does not seem to have a mania. And the period (scientific term, not menstrual) is different this time – 21 days.

Every 21 days I seem to crash emotionally. At least since I started tracking, and it’s pretty exact. One was 22 days. but 4 in a row now. Usually it’s just being really emotional (for me this is saying something), and a bit depressed. It lasts a couple days, and I get better.

That didn’t happen this time.

On day 21, I woke up feeling crappy because I didn’t sleep well. That is normal enough for this cycle. I showered, and got dressed. Felt a bit better. I think we went and looked at an apartment open house, and went for coffee. That evening Teresa had wanted to get dressed up nice and go for dinner down by the ocean. I thought this would be a great way to get me to cheer up, I always like getting dolled up.

So, we headed home, got changed, and I put my hair up, put a flower hair clip in, did my makeup and that’s when things went south. I took a couple selfies because I thought I looked good, but none of the pics were looking flattering. I went to the kitchen for different lighting, and tried again. I sent one to Melissa who said I looked great. Teresa said I looked great. The more I looked at the photos, and then back to the mirror, the less great I thought I looked.

I began to hate how I looked. I eventually took the flower out, and let my hair down, which helped enough to get me out the door. The damage was done, a spiral had started. I was quiet on the drive, but was trying really hard to snap out of it. After all, I know I look somewhat attractive. People keep telling me this. I had been telling me this for the last 7 months or so. All that disappeared in a cloud of self doubt and even some self hate.

At one point I went to the bathroom in the restaurant and cried. After dinner we went and sat by the pier for close to an hour. Hundreds of people much have walked by, with no looks of disdain, or scorn, or hate. Just a few smiles, and mostly just people glancing over me, not singling me out for anything (even with purple hair).

It didn’t help how I felt at all. When we got home, I took my makeup off, and that actually eased the dysphoria a lot. I don’t know why. I had done it the way I usually do when I put a lot of effort in. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but it felt like it just accentuated all my masculine facial features.

The next day wasn’t much better. I put less makeup on, and that helped, but I was still only seeing ‘boy’. Talking with Melissa later, I figured it might have been from me being dehydrated a bit combined with non-uniform swelling from electrolysis. Subtle changes in skin can really affect how you look.

It took 5 more days until I finally saw me in the mirror again.

The makeup thing is still there though, I think. I feel way better about how my face looks with just mascara and lipstick and a touch of blush. If I start going overboard with eyeliner, or foundation, my brain is rejecting it. This is fine, but I’d like to know why or what changed.

On the flip side of this, is an amazing ability to go days without shaving, and not having dysphoria about that. My face, essentially, does not need shaving anymore. I don’t think I would be doing as well with it, if the stubble was on my face. But it isn’t on my face, it’s on my neck. And 99.5% white hair.

I’m a little worried about it in bright sunlight (white hairs tend to be fairly reflective), but so far, my feelings about it are pretty good. I’m ok with the stubble because it means less shaving (the act itself is dysphoria inducing) and it means the hairs are much easier to deal with at electrolysis.

So, just a wordy update that I wanted to get out there. Thanks, as always, for reading.

Hugs.

PS – I was able to hold off from any self harm even though the desire was super high.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

My blood clot treatment is over. It was over August 7th. I could have gone back on estrogen at that time. Instead I decided to get a tattoo and some more piercings. Things that I wanted for me. Things that I can’t really do while on blood thinners (the piercings maybe, but I wanted to be safe).

I’m very glad I got the tattoo and the piercings. They have helped my mood immensely. I look down at my tattoo (even in its healing phase) and am filled with senses of determination, strength, and joy. It will always be a beacon to me, keeping me going.

There’s a lot of symbolism in the image. The overall image is that of a dragon – an intelligent, beautiful and strong creature. Things I aspire to be. The design is abstract, with both the colours and the line art of the dragon itself. This was important to me for this piece, as it signifies the ways in which I think. The lines are graceful, something else I try to be.

The semi-colon has become a significant symbol for suicide survivors. In literary terms it allows an author to continue a sentence, when he could have ended it. As you readers know, I attempted suicide some 22 years ago, and I survive 3 people in my life (including my best friend) succumbing to suicide. The beautiful tail of the dragon points to the spot where I held my box cutter, just barely breaking my skin, for half an hour, as I cried kneeling on the floor.

The piercings don’t have as much meaning to me. I just have wanted them for a long time. And I love the earrings I got…

So, we went and saw Inside Out tonight. Good movie, well written, well voiced. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I can say I enjoyed the event.

I have never cried that much at a movie. Ever. I’ve never been triggered by so many things all at once. Ever. Totally broke through my resolve, where I had been pretty much untriggerable for the last month. Then again, I was already weakened a bit by events over the last couple days.

The movie started, as all Pixar movies do, with a short. It was sad, but ended happy, and didn’t really trigger anything in me. Got a tiny bit weepy, but I judge that as normal based on content.

Then the feature started. Within minutes I was having a hard time holding back tears. The story begins showing us the childhood of the main character, Riley. Who is a girl growing up in Minnesota, and she plays hockey. That was what started it for me. This is the childhood I dream about.

The movie also revolves around memories. Happy, sad, disgusted, angry, and afraid. And eventually combinations of them. Core memories are what build personality. The whole concept of the memories was triggering to me. I have large chunks of my memories that are missing, between the ages of 4 to 8. To see a scene where old memories dissolve into dust hurt. A LOT.

Riley’s core memories at the start are: Friendship, Family, Hockey, Honesty, and Goofball. I can relate to that. I can also relate to losing hockey when it crumbled and fell into the pit of forgetting. Another big trigger for me. Losing hockey has been tough on me. Most times, I put it out of my mind. But it’s still there. In a wicker basket on a shelf. The lid opened during this movie.

Usually seeing 2 parents together with their child doesn’t trigger me. Today it did. Probably because I was relating to Riley so much. Another part of childhood I wish I’d had. (Not that I regret for one second the parents I have, or the way I was raised!)

I was also triggered by how sadness worked in the movie. How integral she is to a healthy emotional state, yet how quickly that can turn to unhealthy if left unchecked. When she started touching all the memories and turning them sad, it resonated with me in how in certain dark moods, I do the same thing to my own memories. Turning happy to sad. I go out of my way to do it. “I couldn’t stop myself,” – Sadness.

There were more triggers, but those were the main, big ones. I don’t think I have cried this much in one day ever. The stuff before, coupled with the movie, added to by writing this blog… So many tears.

I did LIKE the movie. I just don’t think I enjoyed it. I think it will take a few viewings to get to enjoyable, if it ever gets there. I can see myself watching this on purpose for the tears, and because of the message in it. How sadness is not the enemy. How sadness is a necessity. As are all the emotions. Letting one rule, screws everything up, even joy.

Hugs to anyone that will hug back,
Jess

Something changed, I’m not sure exactly when, or even what changed. It wasn’t wholly the being alone thing, it was some dysphoria stuff as well. Somehow, I’ve changed.

I had a very bad Friday night – trying to activate my new VISA. My voice, that I thought was halfways decent on the phone, this night, turned out to not be the case. My initial attempt ended when the CSR asked if I was phoning FOR Jessica, and then asked to speak to Jessica. I hung up at this point. Since Teresa and Rain were over, I thought maybe my voice was being compromised a bit by them being in hearing distance, so I went out to a park to be completely alone (bad idea really).

I tried the phone call again, and got passed the ‘I AM Jessica’, only to get my birthday wrong. For some reason they had my wrong day. So, then, all the other questions started about Teresa. All of which I got right, until they asked the last payment on the account. I’m in a very dark park at this time. I have no clue what Teresa paid on it last. It ends with me just asking if this would be better if I went in to the bank, to which he said yes, and I said very quickly, ok, thank you, goodbye. *click*

I started to sob uncontrollably at this point. On a bench, at 11:30pm in a dark park. I wasn’t making any effort to be quiet, and a guy walking his dog asked (twice) if I was okay. I managed to blurt out a lie of ‘yep’.

Eventually making it home, I said goodnight, and cried more in bed. I also said and did some things that night that I’m not proud of, and I’ve apologized for, and they don’t need to be shared here.

This was the worst dysphoria I have ever felt. I was basically told that I was invalid. But I think, the bad way I reacted made me realize I had to change some things. Going on like this was not going to be good for my marriage and my friendships, and I’d truly wind up alone.

It may simply have been that thought that triggered this change. It may not be that at all. I really don’t know, but I do know something intrinsic changed. A whole part of my mindset is different now. My level of dysphoria has been reduced to a quiet controlled background hum. Almost comforting, instead of the discordant crash of noise it was before. I have a new feeling of being ‘right’, of things being the way they should be.

I’ve gotten some of my patience back – my physical changes are quite slow at the moment and that was causing me additional stress, which is now gone.

I had lost a lot of my confidence Friday night with the severe misgendering. It has returned, strongly, along with a companion feeling of just knowing things are right. It’s almost a feeling of ‘screw what everyone else thinks’ but it’s not. I still care what people think, I just know that if they misgender me, they’re wrong and I’m right.

Things with Teresa have gotten better too. All because of this mindset change. I’ve been able to be alone at work, alone at home, alone while out, and no self negativity at all.

I can’t explain it. I wish I could. I am very happy it happened, and I seem to be very happy overall again. It seems more natural too. When I first started transition, I was very happy – but it was just a happiness to be transitioning. It was overlying other negative feelings, which eventually broke through. Not that I wasn’t happier with being me, but I have other issues as well, not just being transgender. But now, I feel truly happy. For the first time in a long while. And for the first time ever (in memory), I’m happy AND happy being me at the same time.

Yay for inexplicable changes in how I think!

This was something I worked on with my side blog, and it was good I did that. So, I get to post this with a resolution of sorts, and not leave you all hanging. I’m working towards the light.

The basic gist of it is, when I broke down my wall and finally accepted myself, I let everything else out at the same time. I’ve tried, with this blog, to work on some of those issues, with a modicum of success. But I wasn’t really aware of the sheer vastness of what was down there. And how that was hitting me like a tsunami (therapist was using water as a metaphor, so I’m going to run with it).

Over the last month, my trans issues have become less distracting as they’ve integrated into every day life. I’ve started hormones. I’ve changed my name. I’ve changed my gender. There’s a few more forms to fill out, but life has become routine. I don’t think about it as much.

That’s when things went downhill a bit. I was stuck between wanting to feel EVERYTHING, because that’s how I saw myself now, someone who wasn’t afraid to feel. And wanting to feel NOTHING, because the feeling was WAY too powerful and painful. Wanting to feel nothing was scaring me, because in my mind, that led to rebuilding walls, and not dealing with things. I couldn’t go back to that. Yet, feeling everything else was too much.

Therapy was incredibly helpful. It was pointed out that I didn’t have to deal with everything all at once, and didn’t have to lock everything away. There was a happy medium. I was beyond logic dealing with this myself, and everything the therapist suggested really clicked with me.

What I’m working on is to put all the ‘things’ (emotions, memories, thoughts) into wicker baskets. These baskets do not lock (and that is incredibly important to my visualization – I will not LOCK stuff away). Some people need to do that – I don’t think I do (but I reserve the right to be wrong about that). These baskets can then be closed, and put away on a shelf in the back of my mind.

I can pull a basket or two out at a time to work on them. Instead of trying (and failing) to deal with all of them.

The other thing I worked on was how to actually resolve my issues. I was asked to come up with one thing that I had resolved in my life that I knew absolutely was resolved. The answer came instantly. My accepting myself. That resolved my gender identity issue. Completely. I know with confidence that that issue is resolved. And accepting my true self was the key to that resolution.

So, I may not know how to resolve all my things. But I know there are some that I need to accept them to move on from them. Knowing that I need to do it, doesn’t make it instantly happen though. But it is something to work on. Something I can make progress with.

Everyday I’m working on my visualizations. Keeping my shelf tidy, and all the lids closed. It’s working for now. Life is enjoyable right now.

– Jess