Saturday, May 2nd, 2015 is the day I officially started living full time as myself. No more ‘work/James/boy’ mode. There is now only one mode. Me.

Today, Monday, May 4th, 2015 marked my first day at work. This day was supposed to be in early winter, or late fall 2015. Then I pushed that up to late summer. Then I changed it to next month, after I’d done changing all my documents. Then on Friday it became, “this is it. Can’t do this anymore. It needs to be now.” And so it was.

I had planned on writing letters to various clients and vendors that we deal with on a regular basis. I dreaded the ‘just show up’ approach. I never wrote those letters. Apparently I’m still quite good at procrastination for some things.

I emailed the owners of our company Friday night, and told them my intention for Monday. Asking if there was anything they needed me to do, or if they needed more time. I got a reply Sunday that eased my worries about a few things, and that it was all good to go ahead with Monday.

Monday morning. This morning. I got up at 6am, about 4 hours after going to bed. I showered and shaved, then got dressed in my new work duds. Which are helping immensely with my self image. I may be in landscaping, but damnit, I want to be as cute as I can. I then ate breakfast, and tooled around on Facebook a bit. Letting everyone know how I was doing in the morning. Then I went and put a bit of makeup on, and said goodbye to Teresa.

I hadn’t told my uncle of my intention, and he’s my ride to work. So, I went outside, locked my door, and headed to his car, which was waiting for me. I put my stuff in the back seat, and then got in the front seat. I said something akin to, “I’ve decided that today is when I transition at work.” To which he responded with, “oh yeah.”

The drive was otherwise the same as every other drive in to work. I wasn’t expecting any awkwardness here. That expectation was for work. No one was around, and I got a phone call of what to do first thing. We needed to go pick a tree up at a nursery we deal with. With people that I’ve known for about 20 years. I emailed ahead the tree we needed, and a quick breakdown of me being transgender, and please use female pronouns. Then I just busied myself with getting ready, and we finally headed out in the work truck.

Making a pit stop to fuel the truck, I quickly ducked into McDonald’s to supplement my breakfast, and use the loo. No problem mentally just going into the women’s restroom. I think I got a strange look from one customer, but that was it.

Feeling nervous about the nursery. There is a tenancy for my emails to wind up in the spam folder, or just not get read. It was the latter. The office manager didn’t give me any strange looks, but I don’t think she fully realized who I was (she deals with a lot of people). I asked if she got the email, she said no. But then found it. And read it. Then just focused on the tree. In phoning the staff about the tree I needed, she misgendered me twice.

Not the best start to my first day. I figured if she’d just read the email, it would’ve been fresh in her mind, but apparently not. I was only mildly annoyed, and not dysphoric at all, so that was good. We drive to the back of the property and wait for the tree to be loaded on the truck. While we’re waiting the owner of the nursery comes up. I had no idea what to expect. He asked, “And who is this person?” in a light hearted way. And we chatted a bit. He asked, again light hearted if I was in mid life crisis. I responded that it was more of an identity crisis, but that it’s fixed. He asked if I was happy. That was NOT a question I was expecting. I said, yes, very (about transition I am very happy). And he left on business, but both of us were smiling after the brief conversation. He even offered me a job at the nursery if landscaping as too tough for frail Jess. (my words not his).

So, THAT basically made my morning. That he was so utterly accepting of the whole thing. And that’s kinda how the rest of the day went. No weird looks. Maybe the odd second glance. It didn’t feel like I was passing though, it felt more like everyone was just totally ok for there to be a man in makeup and women’s clothing. That’s possibly my negativity creeping in, but it was what it felt like.

It’s quite probable that that feeling is stemming from the two times I conversed with strangers today. I find it odd that people can just come up to me and have normal conversations. It’s happened many times. It’s like they just see a person, who is approachable, not a transwoman. Which is cool and all, but how do I know if they’re seeing me as a woman? Or if they understand it all enough to just know that’s how to treat me? Or if they don’t get any of it? ugh. It feels incredibly odd to have someone a foot away, who plainly sees I’m wearing makeup, earrings, have breasts, etc… and just doesn’t react at all to that. I’m good at reading people when I can look them in the eye, and I did that, and it just feels ‘normal’.

I guess that’s what passing feels like, but I have an incredibly hard time buying that I pass yet. I think in certain situations, I may. At a distance. And I think I may actually get there as the hormones do their work. But without a wig? Without fully covering my beard shadow? My eyebrows need work too. lol.

It was still a very good day. I just don’t know what to do about this feeling normal crap.

Some days I really feel like my mind is split. Somewhere between the real me and the scared, timid, hiding, secretive projection of masculinity of what was.

Essentially fragmented somewhere between Jess and James. Nature and Habit. Free and Caged.

What triggers my old habits? What allows nature to to win out?

It feels like, by and large, that it is my work environment that triggers the old habits. It is such a struggle, an exhausting struggle, to fight through the mire and sludge of habit to be me when I’m at work. A struggle I often don’t win. I slip down into that muck too frequently. It fills my throat, deepening my voice. It slurps its way around my mind, holding down my spirit. I feel like I’m drowning inside my own head.

I have small victories every now and then at work, and then they’re taken away from me. Lost in that murk. That inky black and brown murk. Every time I hear, “James” it gets thicker. Every time I hear, “him” it gets darker. Every time I hear, “he” it gets harder to keep above it all.

I can see and feel it happening inside my head. I’ve been signing my name at work as Jess now, and have been giving that as my name when asked. Today, I said James. Today was not a good day. That same conversation I was asked if I had children. It was not in the usual context that it was asked, and shouldn’t have triggered me, but it did.

That conversation had so many things that I could have taken as positives. But all I did was focus on the negatives. I’m infertile. I look like a male.

The positives were, the guy thought I was in my mid 30s. He looked at my fingernails at least 8 times, without any reaction (bright red and sparkly thanks to Rain). He called me contemplative. He agreed that I should be doing something intellectual or artistic. He asked if I could be an artist or writer. The two things I most want to be. It’s like it was written on me. He asked if I had a book in me.

I’m happy that I can remember those points. But they were not given much thought at the time of the conversation. I’m trying to take them in now. Trying to get rid of the ugly mood that’s been dragging me down all day. I managed to push it aside for a few hours, but now an empty house has left me in my head again.

I think I need a spa day. I need to be pampered.

The crying continued through my life, but it was hidden better and better. Then I was eventually able to control it (stifle it) for all except the rarest of occasions.

Since accepting myself, that crying has come back. Sometimes they’re happy tears, but for the most part they help me deal with the shit that I’ve been experiencing. I’ve been dealing with a lot of new stuff, plus all the old stuff that I had buried is all bubbled up to the surface again.

You’ve seen me start to deal with some of those issues already – like suicide and self harm. Much to do on both of those. Dysphoria is also a big one lately. I’ve decided to go full time sooner than later. I’m giving myself the deadline of my birthday, but it should happen well before that. I was having too many issues at work.

The breakdown I suffered on March 20th, coupled with a discussion with a close friend really helped me to clarify what I need to do.

On March 20th I had my biggest breakdown. It was the most I’d cried in a VERY long time. I was squeezing myself so hard my fingernails broke skin on my shoulder. Poor Charlie (teddy bear) was completely compressed. The cause of it was the biggest feeling of dysphoria I’ve had to date. On the drive home from work (I wasn’t driving), I looked at myself in the mirror and saw absolutely zero signs of me. All I saw was ‘James’.

At all times prior to this, I was always able to see me poking out here and there, and always in my eyes. This day – nothing. All I saw was a male looking back at me. It was like the last 4 months had never happened. Like they were completely erased. I managed to hold it all in until I got home, but the minute I got inside home, the tears started rolling. I ran as quick as I could to the bedroom where I collapsed with Charlie, and our cat.

This was full on sobbing. The kind where you make all sorts of noises that sound like anything from a seal performing at an aquarium, to a sick elephant eating oatmeal. The cat was looking at me like I was insane, but still tried to lick my tears.

Two minutes in, I get a text message asking me how I am doing, from Rain. The timing of this inquiry was serendipitous as Teresa wasn’t home, and I wasn’t going to reach out to anybody at this point. I managed to hold a conversation amidst the body racking convulsions, and blurry eyes. I was able to get out what it was that was bothering me, and get reassurance that the last 4 months had actually happened. And I was Jess. 20-ish minutes later the feeling passed.

The feeling of wrongness at work has been progressing. I’ve wound up punching a brick wall to stop a crying spell. Really hard. My knuckle still hurts 6 days later. This is not good. When I present as James at work, the mindset goes along with that. For the illusion to work, I need to, almost instinctually, think like James. Doing this is so NOT good for me.

There are things happening at work that I need to deal with better. Coupling those things with my growing sense of being at odds with myself is compounding a bad situation. My skewed logic before deciding to go full time soon, was that I would have dysphoria being me at work due to facial hair and body hair, and not big enough breasts, and not looking female enough. Somehow, I thought presenting as male would be less dysphoric. WTF?? That is SO illogical.

How could presenting as my true self, a state in which I actually deal with shit better, be WORSE than presenting as full on male, and where I deal with shit by punching things???

So, yes, full time it is as soon as I possibly can.

And bring on the crying. I will have bad days. Probably many. I will also have good days. Crying is one of my best coping mechanisms. I have yet to not feel better after crying. Regardless of the cause. And there are many causes lately. Everything from dysphoria, to a friend having a hard time, to my wife having a hard time, to no freaking idea (yay hormones).

Hugs to all of you,
Jess

A large part of me being able to feel this way, last night, was simply the people I was surrounded by. The friend, whose birthday party it was, has an amazing group of family of friends, and it didn’t even feel like I was ‘accepted’ because that seemed like a step that wasn’t even necessary. It was beyond that. Transcendent, you could say.

Even around my closest allies, I still am very aware of being trans. These people have known me a certain way for so long, and I them, that it’s very hard not to feel it. There is a change that is palpable. I don’t hate the feeling, as I’m quite proud to be transgender, but it isn’t all of who I am. It’s a big part of me currently, and will be during my transition. Yet, after I transition, I see it fading to a background as much as my left handedness (something else I’m proud of lol).

I’d been feeling a bit of my confidence eroded lately. I believe this is largely due to going to work as ‘James’. It’s not so much that I dress like James when I go to work, it’s that I think like James there. Granted, it’s not the same as before, but I still have my defenses up so that I pass as male. So, trying to be male for 10 hours a day on weekdays definitely has its impact on me. It is still an emotionally draining thing to do, even if I’m aware I’m doing it now. And it starts to muddle up how I present as female.

I got a lot of my confidence back last night. It was the most unguarded I’ve been to date, I think. Strange how letting my defenses down builds up my inner strength.

Teresa did very well in this social arena as well. Being introverted (we think she might have some extroverted qualities now though) she finds parties draining. Apparently, last night was not draining, and we were at the party for over 5 hours. We talked to some people we knew for the first while, but then started talking to people we didn’t know previously.

My other breakthrough, was that I took zero selfies. I didn’t ask Teresa to take any photos either. I finally went a day without taking a damn photo. I’m very proud of this fact. Proud that it wasn’t particularly hard to do too. Finally, in my mind, I was just going out to a party. It was part of the whole ‘not feeling trans’ last night.

It was a karaoke party, so people were trying to get us to sing. They were unsuccessful, but I did promise to sing next year. So, now I really need to work on my voice. Screw doing it for passability, I need to learn how to sing. lol.

– Jess

Work involves me being ‘James’ for the time being. Teresa has suggested I get co-workers to start calling me Jess (as it could be seen as ambiguous). I’m a bit torn on the idea. On one hand, it’s the name I want to use for the rest of my life. On the other, do I really want to associate that name with a male/masculine presentation?

If I didn’t work in a physical job, I most likely would have just stayed in a female role. Even with all the shaving, it was so absolutely comfortable. That’s probably the best way to describe it: comfort. But I do work in a physical job, landscaping. And the thought of wearing certain prosthetics, coupled with me feeling I still need to wear makeup to cover stubble at the very least, makes that idea more horrid than the duality I chose.

Which leads me to being uncomfortable not being in a female role. There’s familiarity for sure, but it is not who I really am. I didn’t shave yesterday (first time I skipped a day in over 2 weeks) and I regretted it today. Seeing and feeling the stubble was definitely making me uncomfortable. I can’t say I’m unhappy – everything is going very well, still waiting for a date for a doctor’s appointment, but other than that I really am happy.

It’s more just coping with the day to day. I can foresee days where it will drag on me (pun intended of course) but I’ll have evenings and weekends to help me recoup. And Teresa helps a great deal. I hope I’m just as helpful in return. Even if I do still leave some clothes beside the bed on the floor.

Will continue this theme about Duality as I go through the year.

– Jess