Been a while since I’ve posted anything. Not that I haven’t been meaning to. Lots of things to write about really, but just haven’t had much time.

So, lets start with some recaps from last year:

Surgery

The main thing about last year is that the final hoop for my gender affirming surgery was jumped through. And recently I got my scheduled date. May 14th. The same day that a dear friend is also getting her surgery. The chances of that were pretty astronomical, and I’m very very happy that I got this date. It makes the waiting very worth it.

Relationship

The other main thing is my relationship with Melissa is still going strong. I visited her in October for a long weekend, and while short, it was a very good and memorable visit. She is an amazing woman, and I am so happy to have found her.

Work / Validation

The other other main thing is work. School finished at the end of June, and I started work in the middle of July. As a complete surprise to me, work has become an actual place of validation. Going in to a heavily male dominated field, I expected to get misgendered a LOT. Turns out, the opposite is true.

The amount of daily validation I get at work is mind boggling to me. I understand that I am a very lucky woman to have this. I have coworkers that constantly gender me correctly when dealing with clients (the amount of misgendering has pretty much disappeared). I have clients that gender me correctly, use validating speech (eg. “Oh look, the angel has come to fix my network.”), and other women (or femme identified people) treat me as any other woman.

Work has actually become a safe space for me. I can be less guarded, and less stressed because of that. There’s still a few clients I have not interacted with yet, but even if there are a few bad apples, the rest more than makes up for that. And my boss has even said if I’m not comfortable with a certain client he can send someone else.

Work has also been validating in the sense that I am in the right field. There’s been a huge learning curve (and I’m still in that curve) but I’m getting to do things that most people right of school dream about. I’m working on live production servers, datacenter networks/routers/firewalls, internal network design and implementation, script writing and more. Plus, I still wind up doing help desk stuff (because we’re a small company). So, I’m doing almost every aspect of IT.

I’m a happy girl at work.

Living

2017 has seen a change in where I live as well. I’m further away from the big city. Which is good and bad. It’s a long commute when I go in to work (over an hour one-way) and a lot of friends are further away. Yet, the area I’m living in is nice, lots of places are easily within walking distance. I’ve been working on getting my bedroom finished – just have the closet to do. And I still don’t have my cat. *pout*

Car Accident

December 29, 2017 I was in my first ever car accident. I was driving Teresa’s car because mine had a flat tire. Conditions were bad that night, and I was in the right lane of 3. The middle lane had stopped ahead, and I slowed down expecting people to lane jump. I did not expect people to actually hit each other, and get pushed in front of me (no one was in front of me for miles). I hit the breaks, and the anti-lock kicked in (I hate anti-lock breaks) and while they slowed me down, they did not stop me in time for the left front of the car to hit the rear passenger quarter panel on the car that was all of a sudden in front of me.

Teresa’s car has been written off, and she bought a newer car that she loves.

Changes

Gaming

Another surprising source of womanly validation has come from my D&D gaming group. I’m playing with 4 cis males. 3 of which I went to school with last year, and the 4th, the DM, I’ve never met. In the last 4 months of playing, not once have I been misgendered. Which is amazing to me given we use voice chat. One of the guys is playing a female character, and when she gets misgendered, I take perverse pleasure in seeing a cis male deal with it.

Friendship

The first night of playing was mostly getting all the teams in one place, going over rules and policy, and having a few quick, fun games. I fully exhausted myself by the end of the last game. It felt great. We went for drinks/food after and got a bit of socializing in.

I was sore for the next week. Muscles I haven’t used in years were complaining very loudly at me. “What have you done, girl!?!?” I think I was limping every day until our next game night.

I was worried about the logistics of playing in a league based in East Vancouver, considering i work in Richmond (near the airport) and live in Abbotsford. That’s a lot of commuting all over the place.

So far, it’s not that bad. Transit can get me close, and I can either walk, or catch a ride with a friend on the team.

The second night of playing, things took a bad turn. I took transit in to Vancouver, and decided I’d walk the 2.5 miles to the venue, as a warm up. I go walking all the time, I should be fine. I was wearing socks that didn’t cover my achilles tendon, and as a result my shoes rubbed my skin until I got some lovely water blisters on both ankles. The pain from that, affected how I was walking, and the walking itself was making me sore.

By the time I got to the school where we play, I was already fatigued, and my muscles, which had not recuperated from last week, were showing signs of being over worked. I was getting small muscle spasms. I tried to stretch as much as I could before playing, but I didn’t get enough in (I don’t think I could have stretched enough that night).

Within my first game, I pulled a quadriceps muscle in my right leg (near where I already have a muscle tear – from being equally stupid years ago). So, I played a LOT more conservatively that I would normally play. Not a lot of running, just being hyper aware of incoming throws, and making my shots count.

Somehow, I managed to play well enough to get voted ‘gold star’ (best player in the match) by the opposing team. I think it should have gone to another player on our team, but I did play decently.

The second match things got worse. I was trying not to push myself. Walking more than running, and just being mindful so I didn’t have to dodge much. I jogged up to the centre line to grab a ball, and as I reached for it, every muscle in my right leg said, “nope. You’re on your own lady,” and promptly gave out on me. I fell across the centre line (didn’t have much choice in the matter) and that put me out of the game. My calf was spasming, my hamstring was spasming, and my quads were spasming.

I figured I was done for the night. After resting, and more stretching, I was able to get in for the last game, and did not do too bad. But my leg was fucked. It still isn’t 100%, and we play again in 2 nights. And I will play.

Mentally, joining this team is huge for me. I have really missed playing team sports. Our team is not competitive. Some of us are self-competitive, but we only pressure ourselves to do better, not others. It feels very supportive. I’ve never been anything other than self-competitive. I’ve never blamed or shamed other players on a team, even when I was running on testosterone. I just wanted to play the best that I can.

I grew up as an athlete. I would say that role defined me more than any other. Athletics were also my favourite escape. When I play a sport, (and this still definitely happens) I focus on the game. Everything else fades to black. I poured myself into sports growing up because I could forget about everything else. It’s like meditating in that way for me. Gives my brain a break from all the damn over thinking it does.

I could ignore my dysphoria, my anxieties, my fears, my self esteem issues, my stressors, everything. It was and is pure relief. Nothing works better. Reading is still too cerebral, and I can have my other thoughts drift in. Gaming is a close second, but unless I’m raiding (team thing again) I don’t have that pinpoint focus that I do with sports.

Sports also offers the ability to completely physically exhaust myself. I find that being in that state, my emotional well being improves. The endorphins don’t hurt either.

So, I will keep playing as long as I can. I will try and not get more injured. And I will have fun. The only thing that will stop me from playing will be actually getting my surgery. Which, I should be a step closer to, after my appointment on Oct. 3.

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My blood clot treatment is over. It was over August 7th. I could have gone back on estrogen at that time. Instead I decided to get a tattoo and some more piercings. Things that I wanted for me. Things that I can’t really do while on blood thinners (the piercings maybe, but I wanted to be safe).

I’m very glad I got the tattoo and the piercings. They have helped my mood immensely. I look down at my tattoo (even in its healing phase) and am filled with senses of determination, strength, and joy. It will always be a beacon to me, keeping me going.

There’s a lot of symbolism in the image. The overall image is that of a dragon – an intelligent, beautiful and strong creature. Things I aspire to be. The design is abstract, with both the colours and the line art of the dragon itself. This was important to me for this piece, as it signifies the ways in which I think. The lines are graceful, something else I try to be.

The semi-colon has become a significant symbol for suicide survivors. In literary terms it allows an author to continue a sentence, when he could have ended it. As you readers know, I attempted suicide some 22 years ago, and I survive 3 people in my life (including my best friend) succumbing to suicide. The beautiful tail of the dragon points to the spot where I held my box cutter, just barely breaking my skin, for half an hour, as I cried kneeling on the floor.

The piercings don’t have as much meaning to me. I just have wanted them for a long time. And I love the earrings I got…

I thought I was doing well. In many ways I am. In many ways I’m not.

A few bad/sad things have happened over the last couple weeks, and I’ve not been handling them well at all. I’ve been hurting quite a bit. Crying still comes really easy, but it’s not helping like it did. I’m not able to resolve anything, and I just circle around the feelings. My frustration builds really fast again, and I wound up punching Sunday night.

This is something I’m not supposed to do on blood thinners. I bruised 2 knuckles pretty bad. One of the hardest punches I’ve ever thrown at a lamppost. I couldn’t close my hand for a bit after. I’ve been trying not to beat myself up over doing this. It happened. I’m not proud of it, but I shouldn’t be ashamed of it either.

My emotional landscape is completely foreign to me right now. I’m not how I was before hormones, and definitely not like how I was on hormones. It’s some twisted set of both paradigms clashing together. And I really don’t know how to cope with anything. The thing that’s worked best is a particular friend that’s really come through for me twice with a walk along the water and conversation.

Other friends have been helpful too, very helpful. But this friend has a way of slowly changing the conversation and before I know it I’m smiling and laughing. But not so fast, that I don’t have time to talk out my problems. It works very well. It’s not a fix, but it’s a good stop gap that I will take any time I can get it.

The plus side of all this is that I’m not spiraling. I circle, but I’m not piling shit on myself trying to make myself worse. So, that’s good. I just want to go back to feeling like ‘me’. I want the comfort of emotions that I’m used to, and that were finally working properly.

I have about another 2-3 weeks without my lovely estrogen. This is now entirely my doing though. I could be back on hormones right now. I am getting my tattoo and my extra ear piercings before going back on blood thinners (and thusly, estrogen).

I will also be talking to my endocrinologist about alternate androgen blockers. What I’m taking now is not suppressing testosterone at all. Either I get something different, or I get an orchiectomy before my surgery.

This period of time off of hormones has definitely prepared me for my surgery where I’ll be off them for 3 weeks. That will be a walk in the park compared to what I’ve experienced with my blood clots. I look forward to the pain of healing, the nausea I’ll feel from the extent of the surgery. It will be nothing compared to these last 3 months.

– Jessica

Being unemployed, and trying to deal with my blood clots has left me with a fair bit of free time on my hands, so I’ve been visiting friends as much as possible. It staves off the depression I get when home alone.

Headed out to my friend Jackie’s place for lunch, and we were joined by another friend, Rachel. In our own ways, we’ve all been beaten up a bit over the last few days, weeks, months. This was a chance to just get out, chat, and try and not dwell on the shit, just shoot it.

We wound up staying for about 2 hours, enjoyed the food, and the company. Didn’t notice any strange looks from anyone. Something I still look for. Presenting as visibly transgender now, I try to gauge those around me, and their reactions. As usual, everyone just seems to accept us.

Finally deciding to head out, as Rachel has an appointment to get to, we ask for the bills and start settling up. This is where things got interesting. After we just finished paying, a gentleman comes over from another table and offers to pay for all 3 of our lunches. We’re all kind of stunned by this, but ultimately, we agree it would be rude not to accept. (a policy I have long maintained – if someone offers you something, accept it. Including compliments.).

He goes back to his table after patting me on the shoulder. He had a genuine look of remorse in his eyes as he made the offer. It was all very surreal. We ask the waitress if she knows the gentleman, but no, she’s never seen him before.

So, as we tried to figure out with the waitress, how to reverse the transactions we’d just done, Rachel went over to talk to the man. She shakes his hand after a bit, and comes back. The look on her face was a bit of shock, and a lot of emotion. She explains that he’s American, and feels really bad about what’s going on in the USA with the bathroom bills and all. Feels it isn’t right, people should just be allowed to live their lives.

Then of course, the 3 of us got weepy. I went over to ask him his name, because I wanted to mention it in this blog. He said his name was Peter, and then he came over and talked to all 3 of us again. Reiterating what Rachel had explained. Peter said that he wanted to make some gesture to apologize, essentially, for his countrymen. He said he just really supports transpeople, wasn’t gay, and just wanted to make the gesture.

We thanked him again, and he patted me on the shoulder again, as he left.

It really affected all 3 of us. In differing ways I’m sure. I won’t speak for my 2 friends, but for me, it just left me feeling optimistic about the future of society in general. Obviously with the ‘not gay’ comment, he doesn’t fully understand what it means to be transgender, but that doesn’t change the fact his heart was in the right place at all. It shows that even without understanding, you can support and accept. This is something a lot of cisgender people need to realize. Peter already has that part down.

Thank you Peter, for brightening our day, and our lives. <3

I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in the hospital being diagnosed for swelling in my right calf/ankle. After answering the same bloody 5 questions at least 10 times, 2 blood tests, 1 ultrasound, 1 ECG, 1 IV, 1 CT scan with flourescent dye added to my blood and 12 hours in emergency over those 2 days, I was diagnosed with 2 blood clots. 1 in my leg, 1 in my lung.

This is life threatening. Clots can break away and cause aneurysms or pulmonary embolisms. Both of which can be fatal. The clot in my lung is a pulmonary embolism. It may have come from a clot in my other leg.

I probably should have gone to the hospital a few days earlier. I already suspected a blood clot myself, but felt I was being a hypochondriac. It was just a pulled muscle. Even though I didn’t actually strain it. Then the swelling started. This I passed off as a side effect of physio treatment the day before. Then the swelling got worse, and the pain got worse, and I got nauseous from said pain.

Finally, I gave in to seeing someone. Teresa drove me to the physiotherapist’s office, where he promptly sent us to the ER.

I’m on rivaroxaban. 3 weeks at twice a day, then another month at a lower rate. The pain and swelling are a bit better, but still annoying. Still a bit short of breath.

I had been very stoic through this whole process, but after the CT scan I started to break down. I just wanted to curl up in a ball on my girlfriend’s lap and cry and cry and cry. Then when I got told to stop hormones, I lost it in the hospital. Then I got discharged, and bawled again in the car. Then, again, while driving home.

The girlfriend came over last night (this is a new girlfriend by the way – story later) to console me, distract me, and bring me food. We watched a horrible movie and made fun of all the various fantasy tropes that were present. Managed to laugh a lot and not cry until I went to bed. Thank you hun!