Please read with an open mind. This is about changing relationship models, and ever changing relationships within those new models.

As in my coming out messages to everyone – I’m just going to rip that bandaid off. Teresa and I opened our marriage in April, 2015, and became polyamorous (or poly for short).

For most of you, that term won’t have any real meaning yet. So, allow me a definition.

Polyamory: Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love“) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy“,[2] and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders or sexes). 

There are other definitions, but this one, from Wikipedia, will suffice for now. It should be very much emphasized that this is not polygamy. A practice largely associated with Mormon church, and almost always misogynistic.

Part of our move away from monogamy was precipitated by my change in sexual orientation. Part of it was from marriage troubles that have been ongoing. Part of it was because we both fell in love with another person (the same person). Part of it was because of my transition. And there were probably a dozen other factors that influenced the decision.

At first, it was something that was joked about or talked about very lightly. Things like, “Now that you like guys, I suppose you’ll want a boyfriend.” Or, “I’d really like to just have that guy experience once in my life.” Or, “It’s just puberty, you want everything that moves.” Or even Teresa saying from the very beginning of our relationship, that if I ever wanted to be with someone else, I just had to be up front about it.

It became more than a joke one night in April. We had mutually fallen for a particular friend, that we wound up having over for a long weekend. She was supposed to stay in the spare bedroom. We cleaned it, put all sorts of comfy, fluffy pillows out, but it never got used. She wound up sleeping with us instead.

And life was grand. Everyone was in love with everyone else. We had no idea how to ‘poly’ properly. We were flying by the seat of our pants, and it turns out, doing so many things wrong.

This triad (as we called it) didn’t last long, as the feelings weren’t all mutual. Yes, we all loved each other, but it wasn’t the same kind of love all around. I was the odd one out. She did not have that romantic spark for me. I had a bad reaction to this, but that’s another story. Eventually things got kind of smoothed out as 2 couples: Teresa and I, and Teresa and her girlfriend.

I discovered a couple things during this time. 1, I don’t really have jealousy issues in the classical sense. 2, I don’t do well when I’m alone, most times.

I had no problem seeing Teresa with her girlfriend. Had no problem being the third wheel at times (I was used to this from other friends). But, when left alone, I was suffering pretty bad depression. In hindsight, a lot of my issues were very likely hormone related – either caused by, or accentuated by. My estrogen levels were very low early on, combined with very very low testosterone levels, combined with elevated progesterone levels. That’s not a good mix, for anyone.

We made a lot of mistakes with this set up. We had no knowledge of what we were doing, thinking that we’d just figure out as we went, and it would work because: love. But that didn’t work out. We had not set up any boundaries, any rules, and especially did not have the required levels of communication that are essential to poly working. (of note, communication is JUST as essential for monogamy to work well).

Eventually Teresa and her girlfriend ended with hurt all around. None of us were in good head spaces for this. Depression, envy, neglect, more depression. It kind of imploded. Out of it, we kind of stayed friends, more or less. As time went on, my friendship with her strengthened. Teresa’s faltered for a bit, but is still there.

On the day that Teresa’s relationship ended, I wound up with my girlfriend.

Getting a girlfriend wasn’t supposed to happen. I was trying to find a boyfriend, at the behest of Teresa and her partner, I had an online dating profile and everything. The search wasn’t (and still isn’t) going that well, but that’s, yet again, another story.

Our version of polyamory is working for us. We communicate extremely well now and openly about our needs, wants, and desires. We work very hard to respect everyone involved (and seem to be very good at that now – I had some hiccups early on. Sorry Teresa.)

Teresa and I are working at rebuilding what we had. It’s tough. I think currently I’m the biggest problem with that. Or rather my feelings are the biggest problem. I’ve been experiencing something I’m calling ‘relationship induced dysphoria’. When we get too close, it starts to come up. All my memories are of trying to be a man with/for her. When we would get close, more and more often, these memories would come to the surface and make me feel incredibly dysphoric. To the point where I would push Teresa away and say, ‘no.’

Then Teresa would feel rejected, because that’s of course what it was. Not because of her, but how I felt, yet it was still rejection. Then she’d get depressed. Eventually we decided to become non-sexual to stop the hurt all around. For my part, this has helped immensely. I no longer feel pressured, or have this dysphoria, and I can slowly let my mind rework itself.

The other issue we have is miscommunication. We do both try very hard to communicate. There is often a disconnect between us though. This is something we are both working on. I’ve been working on not saying anything while I’m reacting to what’s been said. Teresa is working on not taking my reaction as a part of the conversation. Making sure we understand what the other meant is another part of it. Sometimes we think we’re saying one thing, but that’s not how it’s being received.

Having other people in our lives, is allowing us the space to work on ourselves and rebuild. We don’t feel resentment towards each other for the things we aren’t able to provide.

Many of you will ask why I felt the need to post such information about our private lives.

The simple answer for me is, I develop feelings of shame and guilt very quickly from having to hide aspects of my life. It’s a carry over from years of self denial and the shame and guilt I felt from being myself, and not being able to be out. I *am* proud of who I am. It was still a hard decision because other people are implicated. Especially Teresa, but also our partners are at a slightly increased risk of being outed.

From the beginning, over 10 years ago, I told Jessica that if she ever wanted to be with someone else, that I was okay with it, as long as she was open and honest about it (no cheating). So it was actually my idea to open the marriage and not for the reasons a lot of people think.

Back then, when I had no idea what being open or poly meant, I just never wanted to have to go through the pain of being cheated on. Not that I thought she ever would, but just in case, I’d throw that disclaimer in the ring every once in a while.

Also, now with her transition, it wasn’t because I needed to replace my husband and had to have a guy in my life. Though I am very happy that I have one in my life. He makes me very happy and not because he’s a guy, but because he loves and respects me for me.

After Jessica started her transition, and we decided to open our marriage, it was originally because I didn’t feel it was fair of me to ask Jessica to remain in the confines of a monogamous marriage because of a vow or promise she made on our wedding day that happened before she realized who she truly was.

As time has passed, I’ve realized I was also doing it, in the beginning, to save our marriage. (note: This is not a good or healthy reason to open your marriage. It only makes things more complicated and the marriage harder to work on if at all.) My reason for being poly no longer has anything to do with saving my marriage or letting Jessica be free to explore herself.

Being poly has opened my eyes to self love, discovery, and growth. It’s made me realize I can’t be all things to each partner but I can be the real me and bring what I have to offer to the table and accepting that that is enough. It means being happy when my parter(s) are giving and receiving the love that they need with their partner(s). It’s accepting that there are all kinds of love and we don’t have to settle for just one kind. It’s about learning to be secure within myself to be myself and attract those to me that want that, respect that, and honour that.

– Teresa Reimer

Ok, so I knew there was a chance this was going to happen. Was actually kinda hoping it would happen, cuz, well, I like new things, and change. And yet, I was also thinking I might be in the 60 or so percent that it doesn’t happen to.

Then, the first time it happened, it was like, huh. Interesting. And then not much on that front for a while. Spent a while thinking about it, and what it meant, and how it made me feel. Then just kind of shrugged it off after telling a few friends about it and having a giggle.

So, last night, had it happen again.

What the hell am I talking about? Attraction to males.

So, umm, yeah. I guess I’m not strictly a lesbian anymore.

Ok, so first time was an actor in a TV show. Nick Blood who plays Lance Hunter on Agents of SHIELD. I was on our recumbent bike doing some cardio, and watching SHIELD. This is nothing new. The new part happened when I saw Hunter with his shirt off. It wasn’t like I lusted after the image, it was more subtle than that. Like a wave of nerves went off across my whole body, followed by a warm pleasant feeling.

My first thought was, that was odd. Then I was thinking was it hormone related? Then I looked at the TV again, and repeat. So, yeah, it was hormone related, but not in the way I thought it might be. lol. I still had doubts that it was in fact attraction. But it sure seemed like it.

Second time wasn’t someone on TV. Just simply the waiter we had last night at White Spot. I almost feel ridiculous saying this, but he was soooo cute. Kept thinking about him the rest of the night, and a lot of today. And what he should be doing to me, and I him. *blush* And then I had to text a few people close to me about it. *sigh*

Teresa didn’t even really notice him. Guess the two really cute women at the table with her were distracting enough.

So, how do I feel about it? I like it. I was always worried about being attracted to males prior to transition. But after accepting myself, like a lot of things, I just said, meh, let’s find out who I really am. Screw all the stuff that was there from fear, or denial, or self loathing. Throw all that away. Rediscover myself. I’m a work in progress. But I hope to always be making progress.

Welcome to being a teenage girl, Jess.

“Just want to clear something up for those who have asked and for those who are wondering. Just because my husband now identifies as a woman… this doesn’t magically make me a lesbian. It makes me a committed partner who still loves and will always love the ‘person’ I married. In this process I still need to be true to who I am and I am a heterosexual woman. I do understand that from the outside we will appear to be a loving lesbian couple, and I’m okay with that. I have pride in the love I share with Jessica, but I have no desire to take away the pride gay people have in their identity. I feel that would be untrue to myself and disprespectful to them.” – Teresa

For myself, I have long thought I was attracted to women only. To the point of actually being afraid of being perceived as being attracted to males. Since accepting myself though, I’ve realized I’m open to the idea of finding males attractive. That doesn’t necessarily mean I will, but the change in how I think of myself has opened this door. I do find myself looking now, and I really really liked it when that one guy smiled at me at the mall. And just because I might find a male attractive at some point, does not mean I forsake my monogamy. It just means I can fantasize about something different every now and then. lol.

The questions about sexual orientation, or sexuality, don’t bother me at all. They do, however, bother Teresa. It’s a by-product of what we’re going through, and an unfortunate one. Ask yourself how many times a day you get asked about your sexual orientation. I’m guessing not that much. How would you feel if you were asked once, twice, or several times a day? It’s a personal thing. And is it really that important to know? Does an answer one way or the other change how you think about Teresa or me?

I also will not going into any detail about our sexuality. Suffice to say, we are still intimate, and happy being so.

Everyone should be well aware that Teresa and I love each other. If we didn’t, we would not be committed to each other through my (and our) transition. Why does there have to be a label for it? Maybe Teresa is just a ‘Jessica-sexual’.

– Jess