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My blood clot treatment is over. It was over August 7th. I could have gone back on estrogen at that time. Instead I decided to get a tattoo and some more piercings. Things that I wanted for me. Things that I can’t really do while on blood thinners (the piercings maybe, but I wanted to be safe).

I’m very glad I got the tattoo and the piercings. They have helped my mood immensely. I look down at my tattoo (even in its healing phase) and am filled with senses of determination, strength, and joy. It will always be a beacon to me, keeping me going.

There’s a lot of symbolism in the image. The overall image is that of a dragon – an intelligent, beautiful and strong creature. Things I aspire to be. The design is abstract, with both the colours and the line art of the dragon itself. This was important to me for this piece, as it signifies the ways in which I think. The lines are graceful, something else I try to be.

The semi-colon has become a significant symbol for suicide survivors. In literary terms it allows an author to continue a sentence, when he could have ended it. As you readers know, I attempted suicide some 22 years ago, and I survive 3 people in my life (including my best friend) succumbing to suicide. The beautiful tail of the dragon points to the spot where I held my box cutter, just barely breaking my skin, for half an hour, as I cried kneeling on the floor.

The piercings don’t have as much meaning to me. I just have wanted them for a long time. And I love the earrings I got…

I’ve had a lot of people ask if I was, or assume I was nervous about the whole thing. I was, but not for the reason most people would think. The vast majority of my grad peers are supportive and accepting of me already. I had come out to as many of them as I had contact information for. So, that wasn’t an issue. I also was fairly certain, anyone that did not know about my transition, would have been ok with me anyway. Our grad class is just like that. 25 years on, and we almost all still stay in touch. It is awesome.

What I was nervous about, was how I would handle being misgendered, and reminiscing, and remembering times from that part of my life. After all, there were going to be people there that hadn’t interacted with me in person since I began transition, and there was going to be alcohol which would probably increase the number of slip ups.

I don’t remember how many times I got called James, or how many times I was referred to as he/him. And it doesn’t matter, because it didn’t bother me in the least. These were and are my friends. There was zero ill intent behind any of it. If anything, they were enthusiastic to talk with me, and reminisce.

And that’s where things went weird for me. It was the memories that I was most nervous about. I figured I’d be good with the misgendering because I am very forgiving of friends and family that do it. It’s when complete strangers do it to me that it’s a problem.

When people started bringing up the past, my memories were rewriting themselves in real time. I was picturing everything as if I’d been Jessica my entire life. Sometimes those memories made no sense, like seeing myself as Jessica on the boys basketball team. But that is really how I was seeing it, in my mind. I had heard from a friend that this is something that happens in transition. Our brain works to make our life seem coherent to us. It reworks memories so that we see ourselves as we view our true selves. It has to do with our self image, and the way that works in the brain. I figured it’d happen at some point, but I was not expecting to actually be witness to it happening in real time.

Besides the coolness of memory rewrites, the rest of the evening was spectacular. Of course there was not enough time to talk to everyone. There never is, but this is the first of the 3 reunions where I wanted to talk to practically everyone there. I talked almost non stop for 6 or 7 hours. By the end, my throat and my voice were shot. But I was on such an emotional high. The food was incredible as well. There was plate after plate of amuse bouches, meat platters, fruit platters, and then dessert.

I had a few drinks, but I really didn’t need anything to loosen my tongue. The conversations I had were better than I expected.

The stand-out conversations and events were:

one friend, who had no foreknowledge of my transition, chatting with me about about his niece who transitioned.

another friend chatting about seeing a friend of mine perform slam poetry.

a brilliant conversation with my LAPD friend.

one of my best friends from high school getting in cab and heading off to the casino to play poker.

that same friend earlier, saying too bad I didn’t know in high school, I would have dominated the girls’ sports teams. To which, I said, I did pretty damn good on the boys’ teams for a girl.

getting bought a drink by a guy for the first time ever.

hearing that some people were asking who the tall woman was, because they couldn’t remember any girls that tall in school.

getting a lot of hugs.

being told by one peer how much he admired me and respected me, even though he didn’t really remember me from high school. It was so genuine, I almost cried. I’m hoping to chat more with him.

and just overall the feeling of being accepted. It’s one thing to have it in writing from everyone, but to be in a room with 40-odd people and not feeling the slightest bit out of place, in fact, feeling a greater sense of belonging to this group of people than I ever have in the last 25-28 years.

Cheers to all of NSSS class of 1990. Love you all, and thank you.

Jess

So, we went and saw Inside Out tonight. Good movie, well written, well voiced. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I can say I enjoyed the event.

I have never cried that much at a movie. Ever. I’ve never been triggered by so many things all at once. Ever. Totally broke through my resolve, where I had been pretty much untriggerable for the last month. Then again, I was already weakened a bit by events over the last couple days.

The movie started, as all Pixar movies do, with a short. It was sad, but ended happy, and didn’t really trigger anything in me. Got a tiny bit weepy, but I judge that as normal based on content.

Then the feature started. Within minutes I was having a hard time holding back tears. The story begins showing us the childhood of the main character, Riley. Who is a girl growing up in Minnesota, and she plays hockey. That was what started it for me. This is the childhood I dream about.

The movie also revolves around memories. Happy, sad, disgusted, angry, and afraid. And eventually combinations of them. Core memories are what build personality. The whole concept of the memories was triggering to me. I have large chunks of my memories that are missing, between the ages of 4 to 8. To see a scene where old memories dissolve into dust hurt. A LOT.

Riley’s core memories at the start are: Friendship, Family, Hockey, Honesty, and Goofball. I can relate to that. I can also relate to losing hockey when it crumbled and fell into the pit of forgetting. Another big trigger for me. Losing hockey has been tough on me. Most times, I put it out of my mind. But it’s still there. In a wicker basket on a shelf. The lid opened during this movie.

Usually seeing 2 parents together with their child doesn’t trigger me. Today it did. Probably because I was relating to Riley so much. Another part of childhood I wish I’d had. (Not that I regret for one second the parents I have, or the way I was raised!)

I was also triggered by how sadness worked in the movie. How integral she is to a healthy emotional state, yet how quickly that can turn to unhealthy if left unchecked. When she started touching all the memories and turning them sad, it resonated with me in how in certain dark moods, I do the same thing to my own memories. Turning happy to sad. I go out of my way to do it. “I couldn’t stop myself,” – Sadness.

There were more triggers, but those were the main, big ones. I don’t think I have cried this much in one day ever. The stuff before, coupled with the movie, added to by writing this blog… So many tears.

I did LIKE the movie. I just don’t think I enjoyed it. I think it will take a few viewings to get to enjoyable, if it ever gets there. I can see myself watching this on purpose for the tears, and because of the message in it. How sadness is not the enemy. How sadness is a necessity. As are all the emotions. Letting one rule, screws everything up, even joy.

Hugs to anyone that will hug back,
Jess