Please read with an open mind. This is about changing relationship models, and ever changing relationships within those new models.

As in my coming out messages to everyone – I’m just going to rip that bandaid off. Teresa and I opened our marriage in April, 2015, and became polyamorous (or poly for short).

For most of you, that term won’t have any real meaning yet. So, allow me a definition.

Polyamory: Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, “many, several”, and Latin amor, “love“) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy“,[2] and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders or sexes). 

There are other definitions, but this one, from Wikipedia, will suffice for now. It should be very much emphasized that this is not polygamy. A practice largely associated with Mormon church, and almost always misogynistic.

Part of our move away from monogamy was precipitated by my change in sexual orientation. Part of it was from marriage troubles that have been ongoing. Part of it was because we both fell in love with another person (the same person). Part of it was because of my transition. And there were probably a dozen other factors that influenced the decision.

At first, it was something that was joked about or talked about very lightly. Things like, “Now that you like guys, I suppose you’ll want a boyfriend.” Or, “I’d really like to just have that guy experience once in my life.” Or, “It’s just puberty, you want everything that moves.” Or even Teresa saying from the very beginning of our relationship, that if I ever wanted to be with someone else, I just had to be up front about it.

It became more than a joke one night in April. We had mutually fallen for a particular friend, that we wound up having over for a long weekend. She was supposed to stay in the spare bedroom. We cleaned it, put all sorts of comfy, fluffy pillows out, but it never got used. She wound up sleeping with us instead.

And life was grand. Everyone was in love with everyone else. We had no idea how to ‘poly’ properly. We were flying by the seat of our pants, and it turns out, doing so many things wrong.

This triad (as we called it) didn’t last long, as the feelings weren’t all mutual. Yes, we all loved each other, but it wasn’t the same kind of love all around. I was the odd one out. She did not have that romantic spark for me. I had a bad reaction to this, but that’s another story. Eventually things got kind of smoothed out as 2 couples: Teresa and I, and Teresa and her girlfriend.

I discovered a couple things during this time. 1, I don’t really have jealousy issues in the classical sense. 2, I don’t do well when I’m alone, most times.

I had no problem seeing Teresa with her girlfriend. Had no problem being the third wheel at times (I was used to this from other friends). But, when left alone, I was suffering pretty bad depression. In hindsight, a lot of my issues were very likely hormone related – either caused by, or accentuated by. My estrogen levels were very low early on, combined with very very low testosterone levels, combined with elevated progesterone levels. That’s not a good mix, for anyone.

We made a lot of mistakes with this set up. We had no knowledge of what we were doing, thinking that we’d just figure out as we went, and it would work because: love. But that didn’t work out. We had not set up any boundaries, any rules, and especially did not have the required levels of communication that are essential to poly working. (of note, communication is JUST as essential for monogamy to work well).

Eventually Teresa and her girlfriend ended with hurt all around. None of us were in good head spaces for this. Depression, envy, neglect, more depression. It kind of imploded. Out of it, we kind of stayed friends, more or less. As time went on, my friendship with her strengthened. Teresa’s faltered for a bit, but is still there.

On the day that Teresa’s relationship ended, I wound up with my girlfriend.

Getting a girlfriend wasn’t supposed to happen. I was trying to find a boyfriend, at the behest of Teresa and her partner, I had an online dating profile and everything. The search wasn’t (and still isn’t) going that well, but that’s, yet again, another story.

Our version of polyamory is working for us. We communicate extremely well now and openly about our needs, wants, and desires. We work very hard to respect everyone involved (and seem to be very good at that now – I had some hiccups early on. Sorry Teresa.)

Teresa and I are working at rebuilding what we had. It’s tough. I think currently I’m the biggest problem with that. Or rather my feelings are the biggest problem. I’ve been experiencing something I’m calling ‘relationship induced dysphoria’. When we get too close, it starts to come up. All my memories are of trying to be a man with/for her. When we would get close, more and more often, these memories would come to the surface and make me feel incredibly dysphoric. To the point where I would push Teresa away and say, ‘no.’

Then Teresa would feel rejected, because that’s of course what it was. Not because of her, but how I felt, yet it was still rejection. Then she’d get depressed. Eventually we decided to become non-sexual to stop the hurt all around. For my part, this has helped immensely. I no longer feel pressured, or have this dysphoria, and I can slowly let my mind rework itself.

The other issue we have is miscommunication. We do both try very hard to communicate. There is often a disconnect between us though. This is something we are both working on. I’ve been working on not saying anything while I’m reacting to what’s been said. Teresa is working on not taking my reaction as a part of the conversation. Making sure we understand what the other meant is another part of it. Sometimes we think we’re saying one thing, but that’s not how it’s being received.

Having other people in our lives, is allowing us the space to work on ourselves and rebuild. We don’t feel resentment towards each other for the things we aren’t able to provide.

Many of you will ask why I felt the need to post such information about our private lives.

The simple answer for me is, I develop feelings of shame and guilt very quickly from having to hide aspects of my life. It’s a carry over from years of self denial and the shame and guilt I felt from being myself, and not being able to be out. I *am* proud of who I am. It was still a hard decision because other people are implicated. Especially Teresa, but also our partners are at a slightly increased risk of being outed.

From the beginning, over 10 years ago, I told Jessica that if she ever wanted to be with someone else, that I was okay with it, as long as she was open and honest about it (no cheating). So it was actually my idea to open the marriage and not for the reasons a lot of people think.

Back then, when I had no idea what being open or poly meant, I just never wanted to have to go through the pain of being cheated on. Not that I thought she ever would, but just in case, I’d throw that disclaimer in the ring every once in a while.

Also, now with her transition, it wasn’t because I needed to replace my husband and had to have a guy in my life. Though I am very happy that I have one in my life. He makes me very happy and not because he’s a guy, but because he loves and respects me for me.

After Jessica started her transition, and we decided to open our marriage, it was originally because I didn’t feel it was fair of me to ask Jessica to remain in the confines of a monogamous marriage because of a vow or promise she made on our wedding day that happened before she realized who she truly was.

As time has passed, I’ve realized I was also doing it, in the beginning, to save our marriage. (note: This is not a good or healthy reason to open your marriage. It only makes things more complicated and the marriage harder to work on if at all.) My reason for being poly no longer has anything to do with saving my marriage or letting Jessica be free to explore herself.

Being poly has opened my eyes to self love, discovery, and growth. It’s made me realize I can’t be all things to each partner but I can be the real me and bring what I have to offer to the table and accepting that that is enough. It means being happy when my parter(s) are giving and receiving the love that they need with their partner(s). It’s accepting that there are all kinds of love and we don’t have to settle for just one kind. It’s about learning to be secure within myself to be myself and attract those to me that want that, respect that, and honour that.

– Teresa Reimer

Granted, I’m only at the beginning of transition, so a lot of this is conjecture on my part, but based on what I’ve read from others’ journeys. It’s already gone very different from what I envisioned when I started December 24th, 2014.

Originally, I saw beginning transition as a time where I’d be presenting as male (James) most of the time, and me (Jess) the rest of the time. I thought I’d need to ease into it for those around me, to give them time to adjust. I thought I couldn’t be Jess every day, that I wasn’t ready for what that meant I’d have to do.

I was supposed to have one week of being Jess over the winter holidays. At first, this was just something I’d wanted to do for the last few years, and was planned as such. But then, I figured out who I really was, and that kind of changed everything. The week was now going to be a trial run of transition, and an introduction of the true me to everyone in my family (including friends).

Then, that plan changed. It turned into almost two weeks of being me, and quickly after that, the trial had become part of my transition. Where I had thought I could be James more often, and ease into being Jess over time, I discovered I was much more acutely aware of my dysphoria. I went from a slight feeling of resignation being male, to, at times, severe emotional discomfort. Now, James only exists in a work environment, and Jess is here at all other times.

This arrangement is the best I can do at present, and it works well enough. There are drawbacks to not being 100% full time me. As James, I slip into my old defensive shell and habits. Then, some of that carries over when I switch back to Jess in the evening, or on the weekends, and it takes a while to get out of it. Teresa is the one that suffers the most when that happens.

So, that is where I’m at now. The immediate future holds the beginning of my hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I’ll be taking androgen blockers (which are essentially hair restoration drugs that block DHT (dihydrotestosterone) and testosterone, estrogen (most likely in the form of a weekly transdermal patch of estradiol, and quite possibly a progesterone.

This is where my life starts to get really interesting. I will lose muscle mass, mostly in the upper body, and have to work hard at keeping a semblance of strength for my job. I’ll develop breasts, and fat will redistribute to a more female pattern (bust, hips, thighs, butt). There will be an emotional component as well, and I’ll likely have mood swings and periods of weeping for no reason. I may regrow some of my thin hair (this is why I’m trying to grow it out again), and body hair should slow down, and even diminish a bit. Sexually, I’ll eventually lose male function, but that doesn’t mean I lose the ability to be intimate.

Friendships and relationships will change a bit during this process as well. Most have already changed, at least somewhat. I am already different than I was before, but I have a feeling this will be heightened once I’ve started HRT.

For the next few months, my life will be a roller coaster. The goal during this stage, is to develop enough that my body looks female even under masculine landscaping attire. There is a high likelihood that my face will change in appearance as well, helping with that. Once I’m at a point where I would not need to wear prosthetic breasts, I will finally be able to be me at work.

I’m hoping for being able to do that this year. Possibly in the fall, but probably in the winter if it happens. If things progress slower than that, or breast development falls off, I have the option of breast augmentation after 1 year of hormones, which would put me in March 2016, plus however long the wait list is for that surgery.

Once I’ve transitioned at work, there’s still more to do. I will be working on self discovery, and self awareness, and self betterment all the time, but I will be able to fully devote my self to it after I’m done presenting as male. I still have a lot of issues that need dealing with. Writing about some of them in this blog has helped, but it’s really only scratched the surface.

My work environment will be a challenge for me. As James, I’m very non-confrontational. As Jess, ehhhhhh, not so much. There’s one co-worker that will, likely, finally get told what’s wrong with him. I’m certainly not going to take his shenanigans silently. Looking forward to that. lol. I am a bit worried about how I’ll be received by other contractors, this is an industry heavily populated by males, and a lot of them are your typical construction worker types. So, either, I’ll pass and be largely ignored, or I’ll pass really well and get wolf whistles, or I’ll not pass and get called all sorts of derogatory names, and possibly even have people get physical with me. I will need to really be prepared mentally for this.

The next stage of transition will be deciding whether or not to get bottom surgery. Also known as gender affirming surgery, or gender reassignment surgery. Originally Teresa and I had decided that I would not get the surgery. At the time, I didn’t feel it was necessary for me. My main goal was to outwardly present as a woman. For Teresa, she had wanted to hold on to heterosexuality, and viewed not having that surgery as a way of doing that. And both of us are still scared of how major a surgery it is. So, that decision was fine in both our minds.

After becoming way more intimate in the last two months than we ever have been, and predominantly without the use of my genitalia, her view has changed. Being a completionist, Teresa now says she wants the packaging to fit the interior. There are other safety issues as well, when travelling abroad (pun intended) if genitalia don’t match passport or birth certificate. I’ve changed my stance on it as well, though I still don’t feel it is a necessity. With my new awareness of my dysphoria, I can see myself having issues the further along I go.

So, we are currently planning on me having the surgery, and being physically complete. Which I am not unhappy about in the least. It’s still a scary surgery, and at least 3 and a half years off as we save first for our second wedding, and then for the time off work, flight, etc… for the surgery. There is only one surgeon in Canada doing gender affirming surgery, and he is in Montreal. Medical will cover the cost of the operation, and hospital stay, but does not cover the flight for me, or anyone I bring with me and their accommodations (we’re still looking for at least one person to accompany Teresa and I), and my time off work recuperating.

Then after I’m all healed, transition pretty much ends. The androgen blockers will not be needed anymore, and the estrogen dosage can be lowered as well. I’ll have a greatly reduced chance of prostate cancer, a smaller chance of breast cancer than a cisgendered woman, and about an equal chance of osteoporosis. It may be that I’ll still be going through my second puberty at this point, it can take up to 5 years of HRT to finish all the effects on the body. Everyone please send their support to Teresa for dealing with a mid 40ish year old teenage girl.

– Jess

When I first came out to that one lone person at age 26, I was so absolutely terrified of being judged, and being rejected. Then thoughts of her outing me across the online game we were playing went through my head, and the hundreds of judgements and condemnations that would come from that escalated my nervousness.

There was none of that. There was her offering me a few skirts, a dress, and a nightie a few days later in her Volkswagen Beetle.

Then I came out to my closest female friend when I needed another confidant. Again, dreading the negative response, and nope, not gonna happen. Then I expanded my coterie to about a dozen people. All were still my friends, still loved me, and totally accepted my female side as it was presented back then. All those same people have re-accepted me as Jess.

Fast forward a few years, and the cross dressing has morphed into ‘confused transgender’ and I start my coming out process.

In deciding to completely out myself, I go over pretty much every possible outcome from every person I tell. I prepare in my mind for the necessity of possibly changing jobs or careers. I prepare for family rejection. I prepare for friend rejection. And I prepare for in-law family rejection.

I steady my will, and charge ahead revealing what I knew currently of myself to everyone I can possibly tell. In doing that, I missed a few people. One of those that I missed turned into a problem. Not necessarily because I missed telling them about the new me, but because they weren’t okay with the new me. They were fine with ‘Jessica’ as long as she was a private ‘thing’ not shared with the world.

I’ve tried explaining how this is me, not something I’m doing, it’s who I am. With little to no effect. They still seem to view this as a choice I’m making. And I’m being selfish for making the choice. I’m being selfish because now people will know about me, and this person will be judged for being associated with me. They don’t care whether I’ll be judged. But I’m the selfish one.

This negativity is really affecting Teresa way more than it is affecting me. I was prepared for it, she wasn’t. There are some other issues at play as well, this isn’t all about me, but a lot is. As a result, I feel responsible for it. That’s the part that affects me. That I can’t protect Teresa from this negativity, hurts.

Teresa wrote this on the Facebook Transgender Alliance page today:

Feeling very alone. My spouse has a lot of support since she came out trans but as her spouse I’m feeling lost in her shadow. She has lots of people she can relate too but I don’t know who to look to for help coping with being the so-called super supportive brave partner. I don’t feel brave, I feel terrified and unsure of everything other than my unconditional love for her.

Spouses often get lost on the chaos. Even when the relationship is strong. The recent negativity is affecting her a lot. I already had many family and friends and her to rely on for anything coming my way, but she doesn’t have that same support system for what she’s dealing with. She gets told almost daily, “I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t.” I do my best, but she needs people in her same situation to talk with. They’re hard to find. But we’re working on it.

As for my one friend, I haven’t had a reply in over 20 days from my last email. My attempt at not pressing the issue. I’m leaving the ball in his court so to speak. I haven’t written it off, but if I have to, I have to. My pluses outweigh all my minuses greatly.

– Jess

It’s interesting how, her insecurities, have led her to withdraw and close off in the past, much the same way my being transgender did for me. Being true to yourself is not something the LGBT community has exclusive rights to. Everyone can feel judged, or rejected – but likewise, those same people can feel accepted and supported.

The comment Teresa received earlier in life, when she had lost weight, and gotten healthier, totally destroyed the positive impact. That one comment has echoed in her mind for  20-odd years. It has made any efforts on her part to get healthier again, a huge uphill struggle (of which she gets no bonus calories burnt). It can turn into self-sabotage when she does make progress as well.

The comment, “Turn around and you’ll find it,” about lost weight, probably sounded very funny in the mind of the person that said it. I’m sure it wasn’t meant in a negative way. But, this is one of those cases where meaning and perception are very different.

Teresa, in turn, has had problems coping with her insecurities, and not taking them out on me. As others have done to her. Sometimes, when I’m looking for reassurance about my appearance (I’m not always very confident about how I look) she’ll throw jokes back at me. This is a hard habit to break, as she grew up having this done to her. I’m sure I’ve even done the same on some occasions.

It’d be nice, if we could all, collectively, stop putting other people down – whether it be on purpose or inadvertently. Let people be happy.

Cheers,
Jess

“Just want to clear something up for those who have asked and for those who are wondering. Just because my husband now identifies as a woman… this doesn’t magically make me a lesbian. It makes me a committed partner who still loves and will always love the ‘person’ I married. In this process I still need to be true to who I am and I am a heterosexual woman. I do understand that from the outside we will appear to be a loving lesbian couple, and I’m okay with that. I have pride in the love I share with Jessica, but I have no desire to take away the pride gay people have in their identity. I feel that would be untrue to myself and disprespectful to them.” – Teresa

For myself, I have long thought I was attracted to women only. To the point of actually being afraid of being perceived as being attracted to males. Since accepting myself though, I’ve realized I’m open to the idea of finding males attractive. That doesn’t necessarily mean I will, but the change in how I think of myself has opened this door. I do find myself looking now, and I really really liked it when that one guy smiled at me at the mall. And just because I might find a male attractive at some point, does not mean I forsake my monogamy. It just means I can fantasize about something different every now and then. lol.

The questions about sexual orientation, or sexuality, don’t bother me at all. They do, however, bother Teresa. It’s a by-product of what we’re going through, and an unfortunate one. Ask yourself how many times a day you get asked about your sexual orientation. I’m guessing not that much. How would you feel if you were asked once, twice, or several times a day? It’s a personal thing. And is it really that important to know? Does an answer one way or the other change how you think about Teresa or me?

I also will not going into any detail about our sexuality. Suffice to say, we are still intimate, and happy being so.

Everyone should be well aware that Teresa and I love each other. If we didn’t, we would not be committed to each other through my (and our) transition. Why does there have to be a label for it? Maybe Teresa is just a ‘Jessica-sexual’.

– Jess