What was supposed to be a good year, just kept getting harder and harder. Early on, things were okay. I was looking forward to my vacation in the summer to see Melissa and actually propose to her officially.

Then COVID-19 reared its ugly infectious head. Suddenly, our plans were in jeopardy. Still months away from the end of June, we thought maybe things would settle down by then.

Then businesses began closing. Travel became more restrictive. And things just… changed. I am privileged to work in an industry that was not much affected by COVID-19. Early on, it was possible I might get laid off. Our biggest client was suffering, and they needed to cut costs, which meant we needed to cut costs to stay afloat.

But my job stayed. And we actually got busier, as our clients shifted to working from home. Many people were not set up to work well from home, so there was a lot of support in that regard, and just reworking the whole paradigm.

As travel between the US and Canada closed up, Melissa and I decided we’d do Christmas this year instead. Still hopeful that things would get better this year yet. (yeah, that didn’t work out so well).

Work wise, our head of IT was still planning on going back to Romania for the rest of the year, and that wound up happening in August or September. I can’t even remember at this point. The whole year is a… not even a blur… a smudge, a mushy miasma of events. When he left, work got a lot more stressful, as certain things now fall to me with him out of country. I’m fine with that, but an increase in pay would be nice too.

While this was going on, my car decided to die – bleeding out some kind of internal fluids in a parking garage in Vancouver. A month after I had $2700 repairs done to it. The new bill was going to be $3000 plus taxes. The car was $6000 when I got it. So, I bit the bullet and said no to the repairs.

I had some savings left (from selling the townhouse) and decided to try and get a car that was going to be good on gas, comfortable, and last me a few years. I wound up getting a 2017 Toyota Corolla XSE. For the first time ever, I had a bought a top of the line model. I still love this car. 30% cheaper on fuel than my last car, and more comfortable. More features than I’ve ever had before: adaptive cruise control, heated seats, auto high beams, heated rear view mirrors, garage door control, alloy wheels, heated windshield wipers, etc.

So, something good at least in 2020. Though, now I have debt. Not a lot, but I will be paying it off sooner than later. On top of the car dying, my landlord sold the house where I had my basement suite. The new people were going to change the layout of the suite, so essentially I got renovicted. In a pandemic. I now had to look for a place to live, 1 year after I last looked.

As a trans woman, finding a place to rent can be tough. I am positive that many of the first few places I went and looked at, had no intention of renting to me after seeing me. I just got that ‘vibe’ from them. It was palpable. On top of that, I had decided I want to get a cat. Which means I needed to find a pet friendly place – this narrowed my search drastically.

I had pretty much given up, and was going to take temporary lodgings either with my boss, or my ex, and move the rest of my stuff into storage, when I decided to try a few more places. One of which was 3 blocks from where I was living. I walked over, and had a look. It was fairly clean, vaulted ceilings, pet friendly (for a fee), but small.

The landlord told me it was mine if I wanted it, but take a day to think about it. I had pretty much convinced myself it was too small, and then, I changed my mind. I still don’t know what exactly changed it. Maybe I just really want a cat. Maybe I reconciled in my brain that I’d be able to do without a proper bedroom for a year+. Maybe it was Teresa saying I could store some things with her. In any event, I took the place.

Over the last month and a bit, I’ve been trying to make it mine. Moving in was long and arduous, as it was only Teresa and myself, and van borrowed from work. But we did it. I downsized a lot, and still have a bit to go. The place has a living room, small kitchen, insuite laundry, full bathroom, and a bedroom. However, the bedroom was not big enough for my desk and bed, and dressers.

So, I already had a sofa bed, which is now my bed sofa. The bedroom is now my office and closet and storage (the actual closet). I have enough room in here that I can use my VR headset, so that has worked out well.

My living room is full, but cozy. The kitchen is small, but adding my kitchen island, has made it quite functional. There were some small things that I’ve had to take care of. The toilet seat was broken, the stovetop elements were all warped, the blinds needed a bit of attention, and there’s a couple things with the carpet that I want to fix before getting a cat. But… it feels like home to me now.

The Christmas get together with Melissa did not happen. We don’t know when we’ll actually be allowed to visit each other. I have another friend in the US that I really want to visit as well, and they’re in Tacoma. Actually, there are some other friends as well in Washington state too.

My bubble of people have been great, and helping to keep my sane. Seeing my bf every (almost) Friday and Saturday. Teresa helping me when I needed it and always being there. Getting out of town a couple times with another close friend. The whole D&D crew as well on Friday nights.

I look forward to 2021 being a better year, with socializing again. Wishing you all the best.

We had left earlier than intended by one day, because weather in the pass (the Grapevine) was horrible due to a storm coming in off the Pacific Ocean. This resulted in the pass being closed, and it was decided to take the coastal route south from the Bay Area. The drive was LONG, but eventually we arrived at a Motel 6 to spend the night before heading on to the resort the next day.

We tried to find a place to have a thanksgiving dinner, but because of the time of night, most places had closed early because it was thanksgiving. After a few disappointments, we wound up at an IHOP, and had a serviceable dinner of turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes.

The food would get a lot better by the time the trip was done.

The first day in the park was a brief exposure of what to expect. We checked in to the Disney Grand Californian. A 2 bedroom (king size beds), 2 bathroom suite with a view of the inner courtyard where the pools were. The showers had a rain head, and a handheld head. It was quite nice.

We didn’t have a lot of things planned for the first day, because originally it was a travel day. We started with Soarin’ around the World. And then we stood in line for the Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout for 2 hours, and also did Mater’s Jingle Jamboree. Then finished at The Void: Avengers: Damage Control.

I grew up not liking rides. Kind of sad given that I live near an amusement park as it is. Soarin’ around the World was a bit of a shock to my system, the feeling of flying over the world is quite real, but eventually I got used to it. The Mission Breakout was a whole different thing. It was a ride that featured random big drops, fast vertical gain, loud noises, and mostly in the dark. And I absolutely LOVED it. I feel like I’ve let myself down for all these years by not giving rides a chance. But then, my life pre-transition is a rife with examples of this.

Mater’s Jingle Jamboree was just a spinning type ride, nothing extreme. More for younger people, but we didn’t have a lot of time, and wait times were long that night, plus we had to get to the VR place in time.

The Void VR experience is worth it if you ever get a chance to do it. We did the Marvel one as opposed to the Star Wars one (which the rest of the party had already done). The gist of the game is you have a mix of Stark and Wakanda technology in a new suit, and you have to fight off an attack by Ultron. I did alright considering it was my first time. My accuracy was around 45%, and I think I had the highest score in our group.

Dinner was at the Jazz Kitchen, and I had blackened chicken Mac and Cheese. Which was pretty good, but not as spicy as I thought it would be. Also had a very strong Irish coffee, and the chocolate bread pudding dessert.

The bed at the hotel was quite comfortable to sleep on. I was worried that it may have been too soft, but no, it was great.

Breakfast was the storyteller character breakfast in the resort. And then we got the best day for rides ever. At a cost. My group had booked a VIP tour. This is not a cheap endeavour, but if you have the money, it makes doing the rides so much better. I think the most we waiting at any ride was 10 minutes.

We did 16 rides (14 unique ones) in 7 hours that day.

• Star Tours x 2
• Hyperspace Mountain (a favourite) x 2
• Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters
• It’s a Small World
• Alice in Wonderland
• Peter Pan
• Pirates of the Caribbean
• Finding Nemo
• Big Thunder Mountain
• Matterhorn
• Indiana Jones Adventure
• Haunted Mansion
• Jungle Cruise
• Smuggler’s Run (Millennium Falcon)

Our tour guide was a cute, and somewhat dorky (in a good way) guy named Alex. He is allowed to go on rides with the groups, and he did go on most of them with us. Plus, he pointed out a few hidden Mickeys and a couple other things that my group hadn’t noticed before.

Dinner that night and the next, was at the Blue Bayou. We went to Fantasmic the first of those nights. Which was really good, but also a bit cold, and uncomfortable. They force you to sit (when you are in the very front reserved areas like we were), and no longer give out cushions to sit on.

The dinners were good, and the atmosphere of the restaurant was really cool. The 2nd night we sat right on the water’s edge, and could see the boats for the Pirates ride, going by as we ate.

The next dinner was at the Wine Country Trattoria, followed by reserved seating at World of Colour. Dinner was really good, but nothing overly fancy. Just spaghetti and meatballs. World of Colour was pretty great. It was the Christmas theme, so not the same as the rest of the year.

The days were spent going on a few more rides, and we had 1 afternoon at Galaxy’s Edge. That was the most immersive time in the park. You really feel a part of the Star Wars universe there. There are many cast members going around in character, and it just seems “more” than the other parts of Disney. Kylo Ren, stormtroopers, imperial officers, Wookiees, rebel spies, etc… are all seen. I was interrogated by a stormtrooper, which was very cool. There are interactive elements of the land that work with a Disney App on your mobile device. Which make waits in lines more bearable. Although, we found that the line sometimes moves TOO fast for the game. Lol.

We got to build custom lightsabers at Savi’s Workshop, which was, again, very immersive. The cast members stay in character the entire visit, and they really seem to enjoy what they are doing, and are very engaged. The atmosphere is very much Star Wars. Right down to having Master Yoda make a bit of an appearance (not in physical form, just voice).

I made a purple, peace and justice lightsaber. So, a cross between Mace Windu‘s and Luke Skywalker’s. I also bought 2 more kyber crystals to change the colour of my saber (gold and green). The weight of the lightsaber is impressive. I think $200 USD for the experience and the souvenir is worth it. We didn’t do the droid factory, but will probably do that next year.

The final dinner was, quite simply, the best meal I’ve ever had. And also, the most expensive. I have never done a 5 course meal where the chef just makes up the menu for you after asking you some questions about preference and allergies, etc…

3 of us went for dinner that night at Napa Rose. We all got the wine pairing with the food. And we all were very impressed with the meal. My 5 course meal started with an amuse bouche, but I unfortunately don’t remember what all was in it. It was fruity, with pomegranate, blood orange, persimmon, and I think it had a light cheese mousse as well.
Next was a fish starter. Ono fish (also known as Wahoo) with a steamed mussel, and some tiny squash pieces. Before this meal, sablefish was my favourite fish. That has now changed. Ono is remarkably tasty. If you ever get a chance to try it, please do.
Next was the salad course, and I got a beet salad with rocket greens, which was light and refreshing. Needed because the next couple courses were heavier.
Following the salad was a Wagyu beef stew. I have never had Wagyu beef before. It literally melted in my mouth. If beef could ever be described as buttery, it would be this type of beef. I should point out that the wine pairings had been white and rose up to this point, this was paired with a beautiful red that matched so perfectly.
The main course for my meal was a medium-rare bison filet, with some brussel sprouts and puréed potatoes.
Finally dessert was a chocolate cake with blood orange pieces and sorbet, paired with a port.
I can’t emphasize enough just how good the pairings were, and how well everything went together. My mouth starts watering just thinking about it.

In closing, I have 100% thoroughly enjoyed my first trip to Disneyland. I have 2 favourite rides – Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission breakout, and Hysperspace Mountain. I do want to do the Incredicoaster again, I did it once, and don’t feel I enjoyed it as much as I would on subsequent times. The fact it has a full loop in it had me a bit worried, and when I actually did the loop, the G forces kept my head pointed down, so I didn’t really see anything during the loop. I will fix that next time.

Melissa and I are still in an extremely committed relationship. I don’t see our bond changing at all, except maybe growing stronger with time. And, as much as she fulfills so many of my needs, she can not fill all of them. Nor can I do this for her. I should note, that she is also non-monogamous.

Having said all that in preface, I am happy to announce that I have entered another partnership.

About 3 months ago, I started up my OK Cupid profile again. I had not used it in a couple years. Dating as a trans woman is full of disappointment and frustration, and that was how I had left my profile. So, it was interesting to go back, and see how things were.

The hardest parts about dating as a trans woman, is being objectified, fetishized, or just plain loathed. If you are searching for a femme identified person it’s not *as* hard, but trying to find a masculine identified person can be fraught with ugliness. I found, for me, that it was much worse before surgery than after. Having what society deems as ‘correct’ genitals removes one type of problematic audience.

The target of my search was someone with masculine energy. I was looking for anyone that would fit that. Non-binary, intersex, trans, cis didn’t matter to me, nor their genitals. I just was craving that kind of energy; for a few reasons. I’d never been with a partner like that, and I was really wanting to explore that side of myself.

I met a couple people in coffee shops – every one that I met, was a cisgender male, and most of them identified as heterosexual. It wasn’t a horrible experience this time around. I genuinely felt comfortable dating. I still had anxieties of course, but that is pretty normal for dating, period.

The one that I finally wound up having chemistry with, I met in early May. We connected on a few levels, and chatted for at least an hour at first contact. We quickly planned an in-person meeting, deciding on Thai food near where he lives. Upon arriving, we found the place was closed on Tuesdays – the day we decided to meet. After googling a bit, we found another Thai place, not too far, and chose to meet there.

We had a nice dinner (food was pretty decent), and seemed to have no problem with conversation. We talked until closing. I then offered to drive him home, and wound up visiting with him further at his place. My initial plan was not to do that, but after dinner, I felt very comfortable, and I trust my gut when it comes to people. We just chatted until I finally had to head home. There was a quick kiss goodnight as well.

Since that point, we’ve seen each other several times. We get along really well, and have a ton of stuff in common. There’s still some stuff we need to talk about (nothing serious, but I keep meaning to bring some things up and keep forgetting). This has become more than an experience, which was what I was originally looking for. I had hoped for something more than just the experience, but would have been content with that.

I don’t find myself being as awkward in this scenario as I felt I might. We’ve taken things slowly, and he has allowed me to explore things at my own timing. There are a few firsts in this for me, and I wanted to go at a pace where I could fully allow myself to experience and process everything.

Going in to transition, I never thought that I would wind up in a straight relationship AND a lesbian relationship- and yet, here I am. And happy about it.

#pansexual #bisexual

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, so I thought I’d take a stab at writing. Life has been pretty good the last few months, and because of that, I haven’t felt the need to write.

Not every day was great. And not even every month. December, for example, sucked ass. I have not had that much dysphoria since early transition. Almost every day was a struggle with self image, and self esteem. Mostly hair related dysphoria. My crown hair is still quite thin, and for some reason it was very noticeable to me that month.

Before December though, things were pretty good. I had the let down after Missy and I went separate ways again for a few months, but other than that, things were good. I got an opportunity to do extra work – including some programming. I never realized how much I missed coding until November. I need to do more.

The extra work wound up getting a bit stressful though, and ultimately, I think this is why December was so bad. I was under a lot of pressure a few times during that month, and that led to me not doing enough self care. Things went down hill from there.

January has been an upswing again. I’ve been feeling better about myself, and I also had a raise at work kick in. Not that money is what’s making me happy, but not losing money every month helps.

I had a really good experience at the local hardware store last night. I decided to walk up and buy some light bulbs for the new table lamps I got for my room. They take chandelier bulbs, and because they’re from Ikea, I was having trouble finding exactly the right bulbs.

I had a store employee call me ma’am twice as he scooted by me. And then I had a fellow shopper flag another staff member down to “help this lady find the bulbs she’s looking for.”

Now, I don’t get misgendered all that often any more. It’s quite rare. But I do seem to get not-gendered a lot too. Which may be a good thing for society, but when you are craving validation, it’s sometimes a bit of a downer.

However, last night, I was getting gendered correctly repeatedly. This usually makes me happy, but in this case, it was beyond that for what it did for me. Not only did they get it right, and also the 2nd staff member also got it right, they did it repeatedly in conversation. I was wearing a bulky jacket, black leggings, running shoes, a blue toque,
my glasses, and no makeup.

I got gendered correctly while not putting any overt effort into my presentation. The toque helped, in that it hides my hairline, and the really thin hair on top of my head. I’ll take it though, considering I talked without having them change pronouns on me.

So, while I am content being visibly transgender, I definitely need times like that where I can relax and not be as ‘on guard’ as I am the rest of the time. Helps me recharge a bit, and gain some confidence back.

Cheers,
Jessica

The day after my reveal, I had my stent and catheter removed, and started dilations. This was a big day as far as how my life was going to be different from now on.

Because I was a day behind, I did not have a day of dialting WITH my catheter. I am grateful for that. It just sounds awkward.

Getting the stent our was a relief, but getting the catheter out was pure bliss. It didn’t really hurt getting it removed, but it CAN be painful, so don’t use me as an example. It just had a bit of a burning sensation that wasn’t all that bad, and it’s over really quick.

Peeing for the first time without the catheter was, umm, interesting. More like a curtain of pee instead of stream. With all the swelling in the area, the urethra is kind of different each time I pee. Mostly it’s a water feature worthy of the Bellagio in Vegas. Yet, I had no trouble peeing at all. The weird part was retraining my brain how to start and stop the stream. Peeing yourself standing outside the shower because the sensation that used to mean you need to pee, actually now means you ARE peeing, was funny. I’m a quick learner though.

Dilating. Dilating is my life for the next while. Putting tapered cylindrical plastic objects up my vagina 4x a day for the first month for half an hour each time. I knew it was going to feel like a chore eventually (after about 4 days it starts to lose its novelty), but the first few times it was just a new sensation that I was trying to wrap my head around.

We are given 3 dialtors: #2, #3, and #4. Apparently #1 has been eliminated because it’s too small to be necessary with current surgical techniques. They each have a different colour. Blue, teal, and orange respectively. A lot of girls name them. I decided to name mine after certain Muppets. #2 is Uncle Deadly, #3 is Oscar the grouch, and #4 is Sweetums. Yes… I’m weird.

We started with #3 and #4 because the stent had just been removed, the cavity was still pretty spacious. As time goes on though, most of us drop to #2 and #3. I managed to at least do #4 every day at least once, and at least for 5 minutes.

I did have some turbulent emotions during these few days. A lot of you know that I was delayed for surgery because I had 2 blood clots 2 years ago. Montreal wanted me to see a hematologist before scheduling my surgery, and no hematologist wanted to see me for a surgery that took place out of province. It was a horrible catch 22.

When I finally did get to see a blood doctor (thanks to TransCareBC) she came up with a treatment plan recommendation and eventually (after another few months of delay) Montreal agreed to the plan. The plan was I would be on injectible blood thinners for 5 x 24hr periods and then go back on my pill at half dose for the balance of the month.

After I’d received my 11th shot (was only supposed to have 10) I tried to find out what was going on. The nurses told me Dr. Brassard had said I was to continue on the injections indefinitely. This really hit me hard. I didn’t know what was going on. Was it a miscommunication of how many days I was supposed to be on the injections? Was there some complication I was having? (of note, I’d actually bled less than ANYONE else in recovery). I was in the dark, and the nurses didn’t seem to know.

The next day I talked to one of the head nurses and we came to the understanding that I could go back on my pills, but she had emailed Dr. Brassard for confirmation as well. Later that day, she regretfully informed me that it was Dr. Brassard’s order to keep me on the injections.

I was not happy about this. I had been delayed almost a year even getting my surgery because he had wanted a recommendation from a specialist, and here he was just ignoring what that specialist had said anyway. There was NO FUCKING reason that I had been delayed. All that anxiety I had about whether I’d even get my surgery, and then when I’d ever get my surgery was ALL FOR NOTHING. He was perfectly capable of coming up with a treatment plan on his own.

I cried a lot that day. Most of the nurses thought it was because I didn’t like getting the shots. The shots actually weren’t bad.They hurt a bit, but easily bearable. Being woken up at 3am every night sucked though. Not knowing what was going sucked. Not being consulted when the plan changed sucked.

When Dr. Brassard saw me on Monday, I made all this known to him. I don’t think he fully understood exactly what I was disgruntled with. How much of a hit this was on my mental state over the last 2 years. But. He did apologize. And I accepted it.

It was easier to accept when I remembered all the good things about the date I actually got. I got to go through this with one of my absolute closest friends. I made a new friend because of the timing. It worked well with my work schedule to have surgery at this time. Things worked out.

The rest of my time at the recovery centre was pretty mundane. I went for walks in the park. Had meals with everyone – standing still because sitting was still tough. And dilated, douched, showered, bathed, iced. It’s a busy schedule.

Travel day…….. this day was the hardest of all the days. Knowing what I know now, I would have taken a pain killer before getting in the car to go to the airport. So much pain this day. Worst of all the day by far. I wasn’t smart enough to take a pain pill until we were already in the air.

Sitting has been hard for me the entire time. There was a lot of sitting this day. 30+ minute car ride to the airport, sitting in the Maple Leaf lounge at the airport, sitting on the plane for 6 hours, an hour plus drive home. Just horrible. The tramadol did really help, but it also gave me one wicked headache when it wore off. I will never take that again.

So glad to be back in my own bed where I can sleep so much better.

Day 11 in Montreal, Saturday May 19th – 5 days post op.

This morning I was going to get to see the result of surgery. Until this point, all I’d been able to see is a bunch of blood soaked gauze. and some bruising on my thighs.

I went down for breakfast at 8am, and with not much of an appetite, had a couple boiled eggs, some bacon, and some cottage cheese. I asked to have a couple Gravol just in case I got dizzy or squeamish. I let another girl go ahead of me, because I wanted to make sure the Gravol took effect.

When it was my turn, I was taken in to the examination room. There were 2 nurses present (1 was in training). I was offered a cold compress for my forehead, which I happily accepted. I don’t do well with body alteration. I got queasy when I got my ears pierced, and this was a bit more major than that.

While the nurse snipped away the stitches holding the gauze, she was explaining what she was doing. I just closed my eyes and tried to calm myself. It was over pretty quick. She then offered me a mirror so I could have a look.

I wasn’t nearly as anxious as I’d thought I’d be. For over a year, I’d been telling people I was worried about seeing it the first time and throwing up or fainting. I’ve had a lot of close friends go through this procedure before me, and knew what to expect, but even still I had that worry about how my brain would ultimately react to what it saw.

The reaction I had was not expected. It wasn’t euphoric. It wasn’t fainting. It wasn’t throwing up, or getting dizzy, or even happiness. It was pure acceptance. My brain is usually an asshole to me. This day – it wasn’t.

I saw my vulva for the first time (the vagina reveal was the next day) and my brain just took it in, and went, “yep, that looks right. I’m good.”

The work that Dr. Brassard did was phenomenal to say the least.

Starting last night, I was REALLY missing Melissa. I cried for a good 20 minutes before trying to sleep. Going through something like this is hard emotionally. There’s so much time  and energy devoted to ‘just gotta do this’. It wears you down even if the pain doesn’t.

I was not able to say goodnight to her, because the internet was down for 2 hours. That affected me a lot. Both her and Teresa are anchors for me. I was able to communicate with Teresa via text message, but without internet I was not able to talk to Missy.

I did not sleep well, but I did sleep. Until my alarm went off at 2:45am to get me awake for when the nurse came for my shot. Then I had more horrible sleep after that point.

Today was kinda bad overall emotionally. Being a day behind the other girls who shared a surgery date means that I’m now kind of out of step with them. The shared experience has been disrupted. When I got my blood thinner shot at 3pm, I broke down again. I hate those shots. And more, the source of all this, the blood clots I had almost 2 years ago.

Those clots have made this journey to surgery so hard. And now their making the journey through surgery just as hard. I know there’s an end to this, but right now, I am very bitter and resentful.

I managed to walk to the park again, and got a lot of sun later in the afternoon sitting outside talking with a new friend. The social aspect of being here is keeping me from sinking into any kind of depression thankfully.

Not much happened surgery wise today – tomorrow I get the reveal. And hopefully I’ll feel a bit better with less stuff packed into my groin area. The day after is the removal of the stent that is keeping the cavity open continuously since surgery.

Here’s to a better day, Saturday.

Yesterday was pretty good, had my first bowel movement which went really well. Awkward as hell, but still ok. The food at the recovery house is awesome. There’s a dedicated chef here, and he comes out and describes the meal to us, it’s very posh.

Got outside for a bit, it was beautiful and sunny. I actually got some color. I’ve met some pretty cool peeps here in the house. Definitely making new friends. And there’s 3 of us here now from Vancouver. Which is pretty cool.

All the bedrooms are on the second floor, which requires us to get extra exercise. Very important that we move as much as we can to keep blood flow going.

Today, I managed to walk down to the water. It felt amazing to be out away from the house. I joked that I’d escaped. We have to sign out if we leave the premises, and have a way of contact with us at all times.

I have a bit (okay a large) bulge at my crotch now, that I can not tuck. I tried my athletic dress on before the walk, and it was NOT a good look. Luckily the new dresses I bought have a retro 60s style to them, and flare out from the bustline. Works great at hiding that bulge. So, I wore one of those, with my hoodie, and headed out.

There were a few people in the park, but no one really paid me much attention. Which was good, because I felt a bit self conscious with my waddling gait. But it was all good. Walked for about 20 minutes from door to door.

A couple new girls showed up at the house today. Including the 3rd from Vancouver.

My healing is going really well. My drain hole is taking a while to scab up – which is expected with the blood thinners, so not worried about it. I just change the bandage on it several times a day. I’ve had some itchiness from the vagina itself – so I do have some feeling there already. I also get some … umm… interesting feelings across my pubus mound from time to time. It feels a bit like static electricity but inside the skin. It’s not painful, just weird. I’m assuming it’s nerves figuring out new pathways.

I’m going to try and catch up on some sleep. I don’t think I’ve been getting enough. I get exhausted pretty quick. I’m okay with that though, it’s just part of the process. Healing takes a toll.

Write again tomorrow. Goodnight everyone!

Today is 2nd day post op – and things are going really well.

Yesterday was the actual surgery – started around 12:30pm. I was dreading having an epidural and thought I wouldn’t have one, but it turns out I did. And I was dreading about being awake during surgery. And…….. I was. I am pretty sure I was awake for almost half of my surgery – spread over two different times. I fell asleep at the start, then woke up some time later. I remember trying to shift of the bed, not fully aware that surgery was already well underway – and Dr. Brassard said, “uh uh, don’t move.” I was then awake for a bit longer before falling asleep again.

The next time I woke up was the last stages of the operation. I remember seeing 2 nurses around my head (I couldn’t see anything lower as they had a screen across my chest). The numbing was starting to come out though, especially at the top end. I felt several of the last stitches. They weren’t incredibly painful, and I just clenched my teeth and took it, like the strong girl I am.

I want to emphasize, waking up during the procedure was completely ok. And this is from a girl that got squicked out getting her first ear piercings. Things like this really affect me. But I had none of that reaction. Probably due to the sedative. But even thinking back to the procedure, I have nothing but a good memory of the experience.

The epidural did not hurt AT ALL. I felt a tiny bit of pressure, but not even the pinch you usually get with a shot. It works SO well too. It speeds recovery time immensely, and limits the trauma from surgery as well. I am so glad I got to do it.

I got my first blood thinner shot shortly after going in to recovery. It wasn’t as bad as the ones that I had in the hospital for my blood clots. I was worried it was going to be that painful.

The first night my pain levels ranged from 2-4 out of 10. I could definitely feel pain from where the testicles were removed. I mean up inside – so like the blood supply or the vas deferens. There’s still a tiny ache in that spot today.

Teresa was with me until 8pm, and it was nice having someone here beside me. I was not loopy at all and the meds have mostly been tylenol and antibiotics and my blood thinner. So, we got to talk a bit, and just hang out until she had to go back to the B&B. She did very good navigating herself here, and tonight, to the airport as well. Very Proud of her.

Today was really good – pain has consistently been 0 or 1 for most of the day. Inching back up to a 2 tonight, but I’ve been pretty active. Over 3 periods, I managed to do 12 laps around the administration station. I have been asked to do more than the other girls because of my blood thinners. Which is perfectly fine with me. I was fully capable of doing it. I did the most on the afternoon period, and limited myself to 3 laps after dinner – because I didn’t want to overdo it. I have a habit of pushing myself, and I have promised several people I would not do that this time. So, I’m being good.

Gas has been an issue – but once I adjusted so it would release, it’s been better. Doesn’t help that they fed us beans for dinner tonight. wtf?

My IV came out today. Tomorrow, the blood drain comes out – that will be nice. Catheter is a while yet. But so far it’s not been painful.

Anyway, I’m going to try and get some rest. Sleep comes in fits and pieces over night. As well, my laptop is losing battery since I’m not plugged in.

This was my first full day with a vagina! A packed full, stitched shut vagina, but a vagina none-the-less.