What was supposed to be a good year, just kept getting harder and harder. Early on, things were okay. I was looking forward to my vacation in the summer to see Melissa and actually propose to her officially.

Then COVID-19 reared its ugly infectious head. Suddenly, our plans were in jeopardy. Still months away from the end of June, we thought maybe things would settle down by then.

Then businesses began closing. Travel became more restrictive. And things just… changed. I am privileged to work in an industry that was not much affected by COVID-19. Early on, it was possible I might get laid off. Our biggest client was suffering, and they needed to cut costs, which meant we needed to cut costs to stay afloat.

But my job stayed. And we actually got busier, as our clients shifted to working from home. Many people were not set up to work well from home, so there was a lot of support in that regard, and just reworking the whole paradigm.

As travel between the US and Canada closed up, Melissa and I decided we’d do Christmas this year instead. Still hopeful that things would get better this year yet. (yeah, that didn’t work out so well).

Work wise, our head of IT was still planning on going back to Romania for the rest of the year, and that wound up happening in August or September. I can’t even remember at this point. The whole year is a… not even a blur… a smudge, a mushy miasma of events. When he left, work got a lot more stressful, as certain things now fall to me with him out of country. I’m fine with that, but an increase in pay would be nice too.

While this was going on, my car decided to die – bleeding out some kind of internal fluids in a parking garage in Vancouver. A month after I had $2700 repairs done to it. The new bill was going to be $3000 plus taxes. The car was $6000 when I got it. So, I bit the bullet and said no to the repairs.

I had some savings left (from selling the townhouse) and decided to try and get a car that was going to be good on gas, comfortable, and last me a few years. I wound up getting a 2017 Toyota Corolla XSE. For the first time ever, I had a bought a top of the line model. I still love this car. 30% cheaper on fuel than my last car, and more comfortable. More features than I’ve ever had before: adaptive cruise control, heated seats, auto high beams, heated rear view mirrors, garage door control, alloy wheels, heated windshield wipers, etc.

So, something good at least in 2020. Though, now I have debt. Not a lot, but I will be paying it off sooner than later. On top of the car dying, my landlord sold the house where I had my basement suite. The new people were going to change the layout of the suite, so essentially I got renovicted. In a pandemic. I now had to look for a place to live, 1 year after I last looked.

As a trans woman, finding a place to rent can be tough. I am positive that many of the first few places I went and looked at, had no intention of renting to me after seeing me. I just got that ‘vibe’ from them. It was palpable. On top of that, I had decided I want to get a cat. Which means I needed to find a pet friendly place – this narrowed my search drastically.

I had pretty much given up, and was going to take temporary lodgings either with my boss, or my ex, and move the rest of my stuff into storage, when I decided to try a few more places. One of which was 3 blocks from where I was living. I walked over, and had a look. It was fairly clean, vaulted ceilings, pet friendly (for a fee), but small.

The landlord told me it was mine if I wanted it, but take a day to think about it. I had pretty much convinced myself it was too small, and then, I changed my mind. I still don’t know what exactly changed it. Maybe I just really want a cat. Maybe I reconciled in my brain that I’d be able to do without a proper bedroom for a year+. Maybe it was Teresa saying I could store some things with her. In any event, I took the place.

Over the last month and a bit, I’ve been trying to make it mine. Moving in was long and arduous, as it was only Teresa and myself, and van borrowed from work. But we did it. I downsized a lot, and still have a bit to go. The place has a living room, small kitchen, insuite laundry, full bathroom, and a bedroom. However, the bedroom was not big enough for my desk and bed, and dressers.

So, I already had a sofa bed, which is now my bed sofa. The bedroom is now my office and closet and storage (the actual closet). I have enough room in here that I can use my VR headset, so that has worked out well.

My living room is full, but cozy. The kitchen is small, but adding my kitchen island, has made it quite functional. There were some small things that I’ve had to take care of. The toilet seat was broken, the stovetop elements were all warped, the blinds needed a bit of attention, and there’s a couple things with the carpet that I want to fix before getting a cat. But… it feels like home to me now.

The Christmas get together with Melissa did not happen. We don’t know when we’ll actually be allowed to visit each other. I have another friend in the US that I really want to visit as well, and they’re in Tacoma. Actually, there are some other friends as well in Washington state too.

My bubble of people have been great, and helping to keep my sane. Seeing my bf every (almost) Friday and Saturday. Teresa helping me when I needed it and always being there. Getting out of town a couple times with another close friend. The whole D&D crew as well on Friday nights.

I look forward to 2021 being a better year, with socializing again. Wishing you all the best.

We had left earlier than intended by one day, because weather in the pass (the Grapevine) was horrible due to a storm coming in off the Pacific Ocean. This resulted in the pass being closed, and it was decided to take the coastal route south from the Bay Area. The drive was LONG, but eventually we arrived at a Motel 6 to spend the night before heading on to the resort the next day.

We tried to find a place to have a thanksgiving dinner, but because of the time of night, most places had closed early because it was thanksgiving. After a few disappointments, we wound up at an IHOP, and had a serviceable dinner of turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes.

The food would get a lot better by the time the trip was done.

The first day in the park was a brief exposure of what to expect. We checked in to the Disney Grand Californian. A 2 bedroom (king size beds), 2 bathroom suite with a view of the inner courtyard where the pools were. The showers had a rain head, and a handheld head. It was quite nice.

We didn’t have a lot of things planned for the first day, because originally it was a travel day. We started with Soarin’ around the World. And then we stood in line for the Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakout for 2 hours, and also did Mater’s Jingle Jamboree. Then finished at The Void: Avengers: Damage Control.

I grew up not liking rides. Kind of sad given that I live near an amusement park as it is. Soarin’ around the World was a bit of a shock to my system, the feeling of flying over the world is quite real, but eventually I got used to it. The Mission Breakout was a whole different thing. It was a ride that featured random big drops, fast vertical gain, loud noises, and mostly in the dark. And I absolutely LOVED it. I feel like I’ve let myself down for all these years by not giving rides a chance. But then, my life pre-transition is a rife with examples of this.

Mater’s Jingle Jamboree was just a spinning type ride, nothing extreme. More for younger people, but we didn’t have a lot of time, and wait times were long that night, plus we had to get to the VR place in time.

The Void VR experience is worth it if you ever get a chance to do it. We did the Marvel one as opposed to the Star Wars one (which the rest of the party had already done). The gist of the game is you have a mix of Stark and Wakanda technology in a new suit, and you have to fight off an attack by Ultron. I did alright considering it was my first time. My accuracy was around 45%, and I think I had the highest score in our group.

Dinner was at the Jazz Kitchen, and I had blackened chicken Mac and Cheese. Which was pretty good, but not as spicy as I thought it would be. Also had a very strong Irish coffee, and the chocolate bread pudding dessert.

The bed at the hotel was quite comfortable to sleep on. I was worried that it may have been too soft, but no, it was great.

Breakfast was the storyteller character breakfast in the resort. And then we got the best day for rides ever. At a cost. My group had booked a VIP tour. This is not a cheap endeavour, but if you have the money, it makes doing the rides so much better. I think the most we waiting at any ride was 10 minutes.

We did 16 rides (14 unique ones) in 7 hours that day.

• Star Tours x 2
• Hyperspace Mountain (a favourite) x 2
• Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters
• It’s a Small World
• Alice in Wonderland
• Peter Pan
• Pirates of the Caribbean
• Finding Nemo
• Big Thunder Mountain
• Matterhorn
• Indiana Jones Adventure
• Haunted Mansion
• Jungle Cruise
• Smuggler’s Run (Millennium Falcon)

Our tour guide was a cute, and somewhat dorky (in a good way) guy named Alex. He is allowed to go on rides with the groups, and he did go on most of them with us. Plus, he pointed out a few hidden Mickeys and a couple other things that my group hadn’t noticed before.

Dinner that night and the next, was at the Blue Bayou. We went to Fantasmic the first of those nights. Which was really good, but also a bit cold, and uncomfortable. They force you to sit (when you are in the very front reserved areas like we were), and no longer give out cushions to sit on.

The dinners were good, and the atmosphere of the restaurant was really cool. The 2nd night we sat right on the water’s edge, and could see the boats for the Pirates ride, going by as we ate.

The next dinner was at the Wine Country Trattoria, followed by reserved seating at World of Colour. Dinner was really good, but nothing overly fancy. Just spaghetti and meatballs. World of Colour was pretty great. It was the Christmas theme, so not the same as the rest of the year.

The days were spent going on a few more rides, and we had 1 afternoon at Galaxy’s Edge. That was the most immersive time in the park. You really feel a part of the Star Wars universe there. There are many cast members going around in character, and it just seems “more” than the other parts of Disney. Kylo Ren, stormtroopers, imperial officers, Wookiees, rebel spies, etc… are all seen. I was interrogated by a stormtrooper, which was very cool. There are interactive elements of the land that work with a Disney App on your mobile device. Which make waits in lines more bearable. Although, we found that the line sometimes moves TOO fast for the game. Lol.

We got to build custom lightsabers at Savi’s Workshop, which was, again, very immersive. The cast members stay in character the entire visit, and they really seem to enjoy what they are doing, and are very engaged. The atmosphere is very much Star Wars. Right down to having Master Yoda make a bit of an appearance (not in physical form, just voice).

I made a purple, peace and justice lightsaber. So, a cross between Mace Windu‘s and Luke Skywalker’s. I also bought 2 more kyber crystals to change the colour of my saber (gold and green). The weight of the lightsaber is impressive. I think $200 USD for the experience and the souvenir is worth it. We didn’t do the droid factory, but will probably do that next year.

The final dinner was, quite simply, the best meal I’ve ever had. And also, the most expensive. I have never done a 5 course meal where the chef just makes up the menu for you after asking you some questions about preference and allergies, etc…

3 of us went for dinner that night at Napa Rose. We all got the wine pairing with the food. And we all were very impressed with the meal. My 5 course meal started with an amuse bouche, but I unfortunately don’t remember what all was in it. It was fruity, with pomegranate, blood orange, persimmon, and I think it had a light cheese mousse as well.
Next was a fish starter. Ono fish (also known as Wahoo) with a steamed mussel, and some tiny squash pieces. Before this meal, sablefish was my favourite fish. That has now changed. Ono is remarkably tasty. If you ever get a chance to try it, please do.
Next was the salad course, and I got a beet salad with rocket greens, which was light and refreshing. Needed because the next couple courses were heavier.
Following the salad was a Wagyu beef stew. I have never had Wagyu beef before. It literally melted in my mouth. If beef could ever be described as buttery, it would be this type of beef. I should point out that the wine pairings had been white and rose up to this point, this was paired with a beautiful red that matched so perfectly.
The main course for my meal was a medium-rare bison filet, with some brussel sprouts and puréed potatoes.
Finally dessert was a chocolate cake with blood orange pieces and sorbet, paired with a port.
I can’t emphasize enough just how good the pairings were, and how well everything went together. My mouth starts watering just thinking about it.

In closing, I have 100% thoroughly enjoyed my first trip to Disneyland. I have 2 favourite rides – Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission breakout, and Hysperspace Mountain. I do want to do the Incredicoaster again, I did it once, and don’t feel I enjoyed it as much as I would on subsequent times. The fact it has a full loop in it had me a bit worried, and when I actually did the loop, the G forces kept my head pointed down, so I didn’t really see anything during the loop. I will fix that next time.

Melissa and I are still in an extremely committed relationship. I don’t see our bond changing at all, except maybe growing stronger with time. And, as much as she fulfills so many of my needs, she can not fill all of them. Nor can I do this for her. I should note, that she is also non-monogamous.

Having said all that in preface, I am happy to announce that I have entered another partnership.

About 3 months ago, I started up my OK Cupid profile again. I had not used it in a couple years. Dating as a trans woman is full of disappointment and frustration, and that was how I had left my profile. So, it was interesting to go back, and see how things were.

The hardest parts about dating as a trans woman, is being objectified, fetishized, or just plain loathed. If you are searching for a femme identified person it’s not *as* hard, but trying to find a masculine identified person can be fraught with ugliness. I found, for me, that it was much worse before surgery than after. Having what society deems as ‘correct’ genitals removes one type of problematic audience.

The target of my search was someone with masculine energy. I was looking for anyone that would fit that. Non-binary, intersex, trans, cis didn’t matter to me, nor their genitals. I just was craving that kind of energy; for a few reasons. I’d never been with a partner like that, and I was really wanting to explore that side of myself.

I met a couple people in coffee shops – every one that I met, was a cisgender male, and most of them identified as heterosexual. It wasn’t a horrible experience this time around. I genuinely felt comfortable dating. I still had anxieties of course, but that is pretty normal for dating, period.

The one that I finally wound up having chemistry with, I met in early May. We connected on a few levels, and chatted for at least an hour at first contact. We quickly planned an in-person meeting, deciding on Thai food near where he lives. Upon arriving, we found the place was closed on Tuesdays – the day we decided to meet. After googling a bit, we found another Thai place, not too far, and chose to meet there.

We had a nice dinner (food was pretty decent), and seemed to have no problem with conversation. We talked until closing. I then offered to drive him home, and wound up visiting with him further at his place. My initial plan was not to do that, but after dinner, I felt very comfortable, and I trust my gut when it comes to people. We just chatted until I finally had to head home. There was a quick kiss goodnight as well.

Since that point, we’ve seen each other several times. We get along really well, and have a ton of stuff in common. There’s still some stuff we need to talk about (nothing serious, but I keep meaning to bring some things up and keep forgetting). This has become more than an experience, which was what I was originally looking for. I had hoped for something more than just the experience, but would have been content with that.

I don’t find myself being as awkward in this scenario as I felt I might. We’ve taken things slowly, and he has allowed me to explore things at my own timing. There are a few firsts in this for me, and I wanted to go at a pace where I could fully allow myself to experience and process everything.

Going in to transition, I never thought that I would wind up in a straight relationship AND a lesbian relationship- and yet, here I am. And happy about it.

#pansexual #bisexual

Last night we stayed at a hotel near the Vancouver airport – this was something I am really glad we did. It eased my anxiety immensely about getting to the airport on time. We got a semblance of sleep, had time for showers, and breakfast, and still made it with lots of time to spare.

At the airport, check-in and security were a breeze. I even forgot to mention my medication (10 individual syringes) only to have the security agent ask to look in the bag and just noted the box of medication. Teresa had more of an issue with her foil wrapped food bars that masqueraded as blocks of C4.

The flight itself was good – watched a movie, listened to some music, and had an okay amount of leg room – even though it seems like I picked the wrong row – we wound up with a row in front of us. Oh well. Very little turbulence, and made really good time.

At the airport, it was a LONG walk to baggage claims – which was okay, considering it usually takes forever for the luggage to start coming out. I think we waited maybe 30 minutes, then proceeded to car rental.

The car rental was a bit of – oh hey, don’t look, but we’re going to add this ‘basic’ insurance that you didn’t put on your original order and increase your bill by almost 40%. So, had him redo up the paperwork eliminating that. Plus, it took forever for an agent to actually show up – not sure I’ll go with National Car Rental again. Will probably go back to Budget next time.

The car is nice – we were hoping for a Kia Soul, like Teresa has, but instead got a Hyundai Elantra – which is actually a very nice drive. Brand spanking-new car too. Which I drove to the hotel in downtown Montreal. Getting out of the airport was a bit sketchy with Google not being overly helpful with directions – and to be fair, there’s a LOT of highway construction going on right now.

I got a bit snippy (from anxiety) at my navigator, but apologized when I realized what I was doing, and we got to the hotel relatively okay. The hotel is actually quite nice. No pool or hot tub, which we were hoping for, but oh well. It was the location that was important. We’re within walking distance of old Montreal, and also Rue St-Denis which has a lot of restaurants and night life it seems.

Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy, so we’ll drive out of downtown and explore with the car, whereas on Friday we’ll do some wandering by foot. Friday also looks like having a dinner with a friend that lives in Montreal. Looking forward to that.

Et maintenant, it looks like bed time. We’re both sufficiently tired enough to sleep – it’s 11pm local time and 8pm body clock time. So, hopefully this will get us adjusted pretty quick.

Bonne nuit, mes amis!

The train trip itself down to California, was pretty cool. I was seated next to Karen. A lovely woman from Eugene, Oregon. She was originally from Denmark, so I actually had quite a bit to talk to her about, as I had spent many hours around Danes. I did not need my mp3 player until she got off the train many hours later. I even got a hug.

Also of note, I was not the only transwoman on the train. There was one other (that I saw) and she commented on my purple/burgundy outfit, so that was nice. It looked like she was with 3 or 4 other people, so I didn’t wind up talking to her at all.

Dinner was interesting, as I had decided to partake of the dining car reservation. When I got to the table, there was already a gentleman seated ahead of me. It was quickly apparent that he was not very social. We exchanged names, and destinations. After a bit I tried to initiate conversation again, and we had a very stilted conversation about Vancouver.

Thankfully, a couple (man and woman) got seated with us pretty quick. They were much more chatty. They were from Oregon as well, and it seems I tend to get along really well with people from there. Must be a forest/coastal/ocean thing. Conversation went from Canada/US differences, to local govt infrastructure idiocy. Dinner was really good, but portions were smallish, and VERY expensive.

I managed to get a little bit of sleep on the train, and the rest of the trip was mostly me watching Monty Python on my Sony Walkman.

I arrived in Sacramento about half an hour before I was supposed to. Luckily Melissa is like me, and likes to arrive places half an hour ahead of time, otherwise we feel late. So, she actually showed up about 5 minutes after I got outside the station (as I was trying to find wifi to send her a message).

My face must have lit up when I saw her, but it was very cold, and I was so tired, so we only managed a hug before getting into the warm car. It was at this point that I knew this was going to work. Without ever having been around her before, it all just felt so comfortable. I slid my hand across to her thigh, as we drove to get some breakfast.

The 13 days went by so fast, but I feel we got a lot out of them. We saw Star Wars Rogue One in IMAX 3D, saw Cirque Du Soleil: Luzia in San Fransisco, had ostrich burgers at Fudruckers, walked a bit around the San Fran waterfront, ate a lot of amazing home cooked meals (Melissa is a wonderful cook), gamed together, slept together, showered together, but more important than any of that, is we got to touch.

We are so completely compatible. We are so incomprehensibly similar, and yet any differences we have are perfectly synergistic. It’s like we were made for each other. Even after dating for a few months now, we both marvel at how good we are for each other.

I cried a lot on the last day. I didn’t want to leave. Maybe it was a good thing the train coming home was so horrendously late, and that I didn’t sleep well on it. I was over tired, and the tears seemed to stop. The last few nights have been tearful though. I figured this would happen after finally being with her. I’m prepared for it, and I’ll continue to cry, because it’s how I deal with it. I have amazing friends that will distract me from missing her as much as I do. And of course, we talk every day.

Neither of us knows what our future is. Nothing can be figured out until we’ve both had our surgeries. Until then, since we both identify as non-monogamous, we’ll try and find other partners that are close for now, probably just casual things. That being said, we will be together sooner than later. Where? Who knows at this point. I’m willing to move to her. She’s willing to move to me. Whichever makes more sense when the time comes.

These are photos of me since I stopped trying to look cisgender. My everyday look more or less.

Enjoy.

I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in the hospital being diagnosed for swelling in my right calf/ankle. After answering the same bloody 5 questions at least 10 times, 2 blood tests, 1 ultrasound, 1 ECG, 1 IV, 1 CT scan with flourescent dye added to my blood and 12 hours in emergency over those 2 days, I was diagnosed with 2 blood clots. 1 in my leg, 1 in my lung.

This is life threatening. Clots can break away and cause aneurysms or pulmonary embolisms. Both of which can be fatal. The clot in my lung is a pulmonary embolism. It may have come from a clot in my other leg.

I probably should have gone to the hospital a few days earlier. I already suspected a blood clot myself, but felt I was being a hypochondriac. It was just a pulled muscle. Even though I didn’t actually strain it. Then the swelling started. This I passed off as a side effect of physio treatment the day before. Then the swelling got worse, and the pain got worse, and I got nauseous from said pain.

Finally, I gave in to seeing someone. Teresa drove me to the physiotherapist’s office, where he promptly sent us to the ER.

I’m on rivaroxaban. 3 weeks at twice a day, then another month at a lower rate. The pain and swelling are a bit better, but still annoying. Still a bit short of breath.

I had been very stoic through this whole process, but after the CT scan I started to break down. I just wanted to curl up in a ball on my girlfriend’s lap and cry and cry and cry. Then when I got told to stop hormones, I lost it in the hospital. Then I got discharged, and bawled again in the car. Then, again, while driving home.

The girlfriend came over last night (this is a new girlfriend by the way – story later) to console me, distract me, and bring me food. We watched a horrible movie and made fun of all the various fantasy tropes that were present. Managed to laugh a lot and not cry until I went to bed. Thank you hun!