For those that have known me my whole life, you may or may not remember that I cried a lot when I was younger. I hid a lot of it, but I’m sure at least a few of your noticed.
The crying continued through my life, but it was hidden better and better. Then I was eventually able to control it (stifle it) for all except the rarest of occasions.
Since accepting myself, that crying has come back. Sometimes they’re happy tears, but for the most part they help me deal with the shit that I’ve been experiencing. I’ve been dealing with a lot of new stuff, plus all the old stuff that I had buried is all bubbled up to the surface again.
You’ve seen me start to deal with some of those issues already – like suicide and self harm. Much to do on both of those. Dysphoria is also a big one lately. I’ve decided to go full time sooner than later. I’m giving myself the deadline of my birthday, but it should happen well before that. I was having too many issues at work.
The breakdown I suffered on March 20th, coupled with a discussion with a close friend really helped me to clarify what I need to do.
On March 20th I had my biggest breakdown. It was the most I’d cried in a VERY long time. I was squeezing myself so hard my fingernails broke skin on my shoulder. Poor Charlie (teddy bear) was completely compressed. The cause of it was the biggest feeling of dysphoria I’ve had to date. On the drive home from work (I wasn’t driving), I looked at myself in the mirror and saw absolutely zero signs of me. All I saw was ‘James’.
At all times prior to this, I was always able to see me poking out here and there, and always in my eyes. This day – nothing. All I saw was a male looking back at me. It was like the last 4 months had never happened. Like they were completely erased. I managed to hold it all in until I got home, but the minute I got inside home, the tears started rolling. I ran as quick as I could to the bedroom where I collapsed with Charlie, and our cat.
This was full on sobbing. The kind where you make all sorts of noises that sound like anything from a seal performing at an aquarium, to a sick elephant eating oatmeal. The cat was looking at me like I was insane, but still tried to lick my tears.
Two minutes in, I get a text message asking me how I am doing, from Rain. The timing of this inquiry was serendipitous as Teresa wasn’t home, and I wasn’t going to reach out to anybody at this point. I managed to hold a conversation amidst the body racking convulsions, and blurry eyes. I was able to get out what it was that was bothering me, and get reassurance that the last 4 months had actually happened. And I was Jess. 20-ish minutes later the feeling passed.
The feeling of wrongness at work has been progressing. I’ve wound up punching a brick wall to stop a crying spell. Really hard. My knuckle still hurts 6 days later. This is not good. When I present as James at work, the mindset goes along with that. For the illusion to work, I need to, almost instinctually, think like James. Doing this is so NOT good for me.
There are things happening at work that I need to deal with better. Coupling those things with my growing sense of being at odds with myself is compounding a bad situation. My skewed logic before deciding to go full time soon, was that I would have dysphoria being me at work due to facial hair and body hair, and not big enough breasts, and not looking female enough. Somehow, I thought presenting as male would be less dysphoric. WTF?? That is SO illogical.
How could presenting as my true self, a state in which I actually deal with shit better, be WORSE than presenting as full on male, and where I deal with shit by punching things???
So, yes, full time it is as soon as I possibly can.
And bring on the crying. I will have bad days. Probably many. I will also have good days. Crying is one of my best coping mechanisms. I have yet to not feel better after crying. Regardless of the cause. And there are many causes lately. Everything from dysphoria, to a friend having a hard time, to my wife having a hard time, to no freaking idea (yay hormones).
Hugs to all of you,
Jess
Tears are good therapy. But don't forget to vocalize what's bothering you, even if only to Charlie and the cat. But don't forget to let Teresa be an ear and a shoulder to help you.
Crying releases the pent up emotions, but talking about it helps start making the problem become less problematic.
Yes, sometimes I forget that part, because the emotions are nearly overwhelming. I will try my best to do it though! Love you, Mom!